Intro - hoping for support/advice on DBing

[melissag]

Thanks for the replies!! Hoping to get off moderation soon so I can keep up and my thread doesn't fall to page 23.

To answer your questions, and update:

I have not initiated sex or physical contact of any kind. When it happens it is always his idea and we always spend the whole night together. It has happened now two more times in the past week. In between, he goes back to the couch.

Last week, he emailed me to thank me for being so nice about everything (this happened after a conversation where I agreed to help him with some things he needs to move out, but I am sure he could tell it was very painful for me). He also said he feels like s.h.i.t. about what he is doing, but thinks everyone will be happier. Had a conversation about this later in the day, and ended up being intimate that night and the next morning. At that point he said he thinks we need to start all over as friends, and see where it goes from there. Then, back to the couch the next night. We had a great weekend. He invited me to spend some time with him at a sporting event and suggested we get a babysitter, which we did. Lots of talk about things like me coming over for dinner to his apartment, I should invite him over for dinner, etc. Kind of confusing, but I go with it.

This week, he emailed me to say that he really appreciates all the efforts/changes I have made in the past few weeks, and that it makes him remember why he married me. But, that he doesn't know how that relates to us, since he is still afraid of the bad side of me, and doesn't know how to avoid her. Said he enjoys spending time with me and, even though he is moving out, wants to continue to do so and build a great relationship. (Unclear whether he means co-parenting relationship or more.) I didn't respond to the email. I had the kids and then we all went out to dinner and did family stuff. He then asked to sleep in the bed with me that night . . . more intimacy and we talked a little bit. Now saying he feels very conflicted . . . he is really liking the changes but can't reconcile how I could have been the person that made him so miserable and now be this totally different person. I told him that talk is cheap and I know my words mean nothing, but that this is the me that's going to stay, and he will see to the extent he lets me show him. Now saying that he is still moving out (a week from today), but that it's because he "needs space to figure out whether we can fix this."

OK, so this seems to me to be significant progress. It is hard, because when I see a baby step, I want it ALL right now. But I am being patient. I am actually pretty impressed with myself for how well I have been 180ing with no big mistakes. He has gone from "I don't love you anymore; you make me miserable; there is no chance for this ever and I want a divorce ASAP" four weeks ago, with baby steps in between, to "I love you, I enjoy spending time with you, I need space to figure out if we can fix this." (But, still moving out, of course.) No D talk in a few weeks, but not sure if that means anything or just because he is focused on the moving out part first.

We talked today about his move date (he was considering postponing it for two more days for practical reasons), and asked for my opinion. I told him that I didn't really think I should have any input - that he should do what he needs/wants to do and I will honor whatever that is. (He did end up pushing it back two days, which is why it's now a week from today. Hey, two more days to 180.)

So what I need now is some encouragement, because it is going to be extremely difficult for me when he moves out. We will still see each other at the very least to exchange kids twice a week, though the way he is talking now it sounds like more than that. But that's not a lot of time to be 180ing. I will definitely be focusing on GAL for sure, though. Is there any chance that getting the space he wants will help him gain some clarity?