My Wife is an Alien and its killing me...

[JFun51]

Thanks Rosa. I am humbled by your words. I am hardly an inspiration to anyone. I have found strength in others who are where I am and in exploring how to be a better man. I struggle daily with my sitch and have only recently found the ability to begin detaching. Thanks for sharing uR's collection. I found those the other day myself. There is so much advice, info & support here it's amazing.

[uRworthy]

Hiya JF. You've got some really good people posting to you.

Mach, Truegrit and AJM will really make you think. Listen closely and let their words sink in.

Just wanted to say a few things, if I may.

You are still so early into this. So, you have to dig in and realize it's a marathon, not a sprint.

THe feelings you are having are all normal. You are grieving and going through all the phases of that. It is important that you feel them all. Then when you are ready, let them go.

You dont want to get stuck in any one phase for too long.

So, you are not liking your wife right now. Understandable. But here's the thing. If you believe she is in crisis, then, it is good to try to find compassion. She is going back to that little girl whose mother left and who's father didnt accept her. She didnt learn all the coping skills she needed back then. She has to go back and figure it out before she can close the door on it.

Trust me, you would not want to be in her head. But that doesnt mean she gets a free pass on her actions. Those are hers to own.

People often misunderstand detaching. It doesnt mean you dont love her or you are abandoning her. It means you love her so much you are willing to let her go. That is the ultimate act of love.

It also means that you are honoring your long term marriage and the mother of your children by allowing let her walk her journey. Your job is to get out of the way.

I know your w is very angry. And since you are the closest person to her, you are the one she is going to target. She thinks if she can just get rid of you, then she will be happy. It isnt until she looks within that she will realize it is her.

It is important that you continue to do the work on you. You have children watching you. You need to show them how to handle life's tough spots with strength and courage.

Your changes need to be real and for you. Otherwise it doesnt serve you or the situation well.

Dbing seems counterintuitive, I know. Trust the process.

No matter what happens, you will not be sorry if you have look within.

So, keep working on you. Give her plenty of space to work things out. Make your changes permanent. You own your stuff. Leave hers to her.

Look to see what things she has said have merit. Work on those.

I know this is very hard. It aint for the faint of heart. But, it is a journey you were meant to go on,too.

Dig in. Take care of you and your children. Leave the rest in His very capable hands.

We are here for you.

[JFun51]

Last night was all about W trying to push my buttons:

-Texting for 2 hours beside me in bed while I was trying to watch a movie, then keeping her light on while I'm trying to go to sleep.
-Dressing provocatively yesterday and making sure I saw everything she wore, including her underwear.
-Talking to me really sweet and nice after blaming me for something that I know S10 was responsible for.
-Acting shocked and surprised when I came home in time to take S10 to church, even though I've been home at that time for the past 6 weeks.
-Going to the grocery store that's 2 minutes away for almost an hour and a half to get supplies for a Halloween party.
-Giving me a line that her best GF had texted her about the baseball game and she was really interested in watching the end of it. (Must have been OM)
-Taking a 45 minute shower/bath. (This has been the scene of the crime for most of her pictures for OM 1 and 2)

Full night of childish BS. She's like a high school girl.

To top it off, she jumped on me about my whereabouts while S10 was at church. I decided to try out a new Mexican restaurant in town. W hates Mexican and refuses to even try it. "What were you doing there?"-very nasty venom on that one.

I just refused to give her any satisfaction. I enjoyed the movie, the ride with S10, some friendly talk with folks at church, and especially the Mexican food.

I wish I could find a way to be physically away from her and not have a front row seat to her MLC crap.

[Mtnman]

JFun, just copy and paste my older threads and save yourself some time. Haha. Familiar with it all, especially the long baths.

I've got you and your family in my prayers.

[AJM]

She's like a high school girl.

Yep. Like a HS girl with an addiction to <insert whatever it is here> and depression.

But what you can say is that she's noticing what you're doing. And what you're doing must be good for you and your state of mind - people throw stones at things that shine, right?

Again, this is not about you. She seems to be unhappy about something about herself and is trying to take it out on you. Mine was almost exactly the same way you describe. It's not a fun trip, but it's not one without benefits. I'm much better now than before; even I can see that. And as I got further and further detached and removed from my ex, I was able to see things sooooo much differently. You're making great strides in that direction, but you still are a bit incredulous at what is going on. And disgusted by it. Believe me when I tell you, there's more to come that will surprise you. But only if you continue to stay attached.

I'll be honest, it's hard as hell to detach when you're living it daily. When you're the target of her anger. When you watch as she tries to actively provoke you. To unbalance you. To accuse.

But it is possible. It's possible by living your life for you and your kids. There is no more action than that needed. In fact, anything beyond that is a waste of time and energy.

She'll come back or leave. It'll be her choice.

You just have to wait, but you don't have to watch or worry about the day to day or the outcome. You will be fine no matter what happens and you'll make sure your kids are as well. She is the only one that can help her. You are the only that cannot help her.

That's just how it is, I'm afraid. But you are on a positive path and while you'll be tested many times along the way, I'm sure you'll see that and be finer than today. You're on that trajectory...

Peace,
AJ

[Pudmuddle]

Fabulous advice AJM.

I have to agree jfun, she is seeing the positive things you are doing, hence her need to lash out to make you crumble. If you crumble this will give her mixed-up mind more reason to validate what she is doing.

It is like watching a whole new person. It's sad to see the old person go, but if she comes through this on the better side she will be a better version, W2.0.

You really are doing well, keep thinking PMA for your children.

[Mach1]

Clearly not. I know what my contributions to our failing marriage have been. As BD happened, it was a major wake up call for me. I have said multiple times to W we shouldn't keep score and place blame.

You are correct....WE shouldn't

Wait a second....

Who is WE ???

I am addressing my shortcomings with my kids and my W. As I have been struggling with a failing marriage for years, I have chosen to stick to my vows and honor my commitment unlike my W who has not.

In the same sentence that you denied doing this, you turn it around and dis-qualify it by doing it once again....

Do you blame her ??

Or are you just holding judgement on her, for doing this to you ????

[JFun51]

We meaning both of us. Trying to figure out who is more at fault for distance in our marriage is irrelevant and gets us nowhere. It is what it is and SBT says we need to move on from here.

I do not blame W for failures in our R any more than I am solely responsible. It took 2 of us to neglect it to the point of life support. Maybe I am judging her for her reaction to our R being distant and lacking. I haven't been unfaithful and sought the company of other women. It's very hard to withold being judgmental when you are trying so hard to be a good man and the woman you love is completely lost in a fog.

[Mach1]

We meaning both of us. Trying to figure out who is more at fault for distance in our marriage is irrelevant and gets us nowhere. It is what it is and SBT says we need to move on from here.

You are correct. SBT does say that you move forward from this point.....

I would take that a step further though....

YOU have to take it forward from that point, not her, not we.....you have to....

And using the word "we" , sounds completely like you are trying to fix this for her.

I do not blame W for failures in our R any more than I am solely responsible. It took 2 of us to neglect it to the point of life support. Maybe I am judging her for her reaction to our R being distant and lacking.

If you are judging her, then you really need to recognize that within yourself.

The only thing that you can do, is to recognize what she is going through, and step out of her way.

You believe in MLC...right ?

I am gonna assume that you do (since you are posting on a MLC forum)..

What does that really mean to you ??

How deeply do you understand MLC, and the devastating affects that it has on, not just the MLCer, but the whole family structure ?

This isn't something that she simply decided to do one day, just to peeve you off. This is ingrained DEEPLY into her existence buddy.

Judging her comes from a place of not understanding, or loving her enough to watch from a distance as she attempts to navigate periods of her life, that are non-existent for her.

Have you attempted to forgive her for what she is dealing with yet ??

Have you attempted to forgive yourself yet ???

I haven't been unfaithful and sought the company of other women. It's very hard to withold being judgmental when you are trying so hard to be a good man and the woman you love is completely lost in a fog.

Does that make you a better person the she ???

Does that lessen your inadequacies any less ???

Does it make you feel better climbing on your soapbox, if you step on her to get there ????

Yea, it's "hard" to not judge her when you are trying to be a better man...

Truth is, by judging her, you are NOT being the bEtter man....you are being the bItter man.

Man, I'm not trying to be harsh with you at all.


I just want you to "see" deeper than you are right now....

[RosaLinda]

Geez Mach, that WAS harsh. JFun has been going thru this 3 months. 3 months after BD, I was a sniveling mess. He's just learning the definition of detaching, letting go, moving forward, for heaven's sake. Of course he does not know anything about MLC, how could he, he has just started his journey. Your advice is great, fabulous for someone who is over that raw newness, but harsh for a newbie to hear.