Thanks all. I do think the false hope thing might come up. Truthfully at first h said it so often, at home and at mc, that he didnt want to raise any expectation or give me hope, and i did always still harbor secret hope back then anyway. I tried not to let on, but even in my disapproval and anger he could probably tell how desperately i wanted our family to stay together.
Now i feel he would be flattering himself too much if he thought deigning to eat a meal out would give me false hope. I'm not seeing anything impressive coming from his direction, so he doesn't need to worry that i'll fall for him.
I do hope eventually for the kids sake that he'll settle down and learn to be comfortable around them if not me.
I have heard a few stories of separations of a year or more that were reconciled. That looks so impossibly hard from this vantage point. I think my 15yo would not like h to come back. I dont know about my 13yo. It feels like we are too far gone to ever get better. I'm just going to keep living my life and see where it takes me.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad you have not let go. You continue to hope it will work out. He feels it, he smells it. He doesn't like it. He doesn't express it openly. But he is trying. You just won't listen and respect his wishes. Let him go. Let go of control. Just be
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wow, it's like a reunion here! SIAS, Hi-hope you are well.
Ad, I think you handled the birthday thing with grace. The most I ever did was remind the boys that it was their Dad's birthday and I texted him Happy Birthday. Birthdays were a celebration in our house, too but when things change, things change.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
No problem. It's not rocket science in my house. It's conflict avoidance and mind reading at its best. I know I wanted to say, "You REALLY think I want to sign on for more of this crap long term? You gotta be crazy. I'm only putting up with this for the kids."
Sigh. He still does this stuff with us occasionally, and our D was final in 2005. And now he's got a GF of 2 years. I won't speculate what goes on in his head nowadays because I'd probably want to bang my head against the wall with whatever answer he has.
I only invited him to do things on those special days because I knew people whose spouses/former spouses dug their heels in and refused to move things around on the calendar. I wanted him to know that I had risen above that. Like I said, it really didn't matter to me one way or another. But my oldest daughter was really unhappy when he chose his solo pursuits over spending the day/weekend with him on Father's Day. Since she was hurt and didn't understand, it bothered me too. Especially since he's so engaged with them all the rest of the time. It didn't (and still doesn't) make sense.
Personally, I'll chalk this one up under the category of him feeling the need to tell me, "You're not the boss of me anymore. So there."
Go have your own party.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I don't know about my 13yo. It feels like we are too far gone to ever get better.
I have a surrogate mom here in Colorado (since my real mom is back in VA) who separated from her H for a few years back when her kids were teenagers. (Her kids are the same age as I am.) She and her H (whom I LOVE) both went into therapy individually, though she had every intention of using that therapy to help her divorce him. After that long separation, she wasn't so convinced, and her H really wanted to work on their relationship. She made her H date her until she allowed him to move back in, while they continued in marriage counseling. Her kids were really pissed about it too. But she told them, "Your dad has done a lot of work, and I owe it to him to give him another shot. If he fails again, I'll boot his a$$ out." I think she said it took 9 months of dating before she allowed him to come home.
I have a few friends that separated for a long time or divorced and wound up reconciling. A handful on this BB too. So it can be done. But I honestly think it wouldn't be successful without some kind of counseling.
If that happens, you'll handle your S13 with dignity and grace. 'Cause that's the person you are.
Happy Halloween!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks! That answer your friend gave her kids sounded very reasonable and loving.
At the moment i actually think the best interest of my kids tips the scales in the direction of NOT being open to reconciling. For me, and for them, and for them to have any hope of experiencing what a healthy adult relationship looks like, a lot would have to be different between H and me. I believe h COULD change (my IC doesn't) but i'm not waiting for or expecting H to change, or to want to change. I'm busy myself learning how to be different in relationships, and it's not comfortable and it's not easy ( or inexpensive for that matter).
Rick i kicked around the idea that i haven't let go. The best i could come up with was that really i'm just trying to be a decent human being to H, and i'm sensitive to the fact that what would be meaningless coming from his coworker will appear more fraught with meaning coming from his estranged wife. So i made a little effort to think about the birthday from his point of view rather than just doing whatever the heck i want.
If that gets misinterpreted by him i can't help it and i'm not worried about it.
I just want to be real, and act in a way that makes sense for who i am, and not worry about doing X or Y to make him think something or do something. what he thinks or does is his to figure out. So he can think i want him or need him, and withdraw in response, and i reject the idea that i'm responsible for that.
I don't think letting go is something i can DO. I think it is something that just happens over time as i learn and read and consider what i want out of life. I can let H go completely and see no result in H, because it's in me and isn't geared toward getting some kind of reaction out of him. He may continue feeling like i'm attached to him even if i never see or speak to him; i cannot help that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
