Fog City Coaster continues

[AnotherStander]

IMO you're pushing into "pursuit" territory. I think her lack of a response to that last is a hint that you've gone too far with it.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thanks AS. That is possible. I won't contact her over the weekend. I will have a better idea where she is at next week.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

A credit card company called me yesterday and my w is way past due on payments. The card is in my name, but when she left, she agreed to pay the bill. She has the money and is making payments but she is a month behind so every time she makes a payment she is still past due.

So I broke my promised no contact for the weekend and forwarded her an email from the credit card company. I added a short explanation of what is going on and said that the cc company had called me.

This card has been canceled and she is just paying off the balance.

Although my w makes more money than I do, my credit is much better than hers. Most of our bills are in my name. Since we are on friendly terms now (not where I want to be, but I guess it's friendly) I am considering suggesting that I transfer the balance to a card that has a much lower interest rate so that she can pay the balance off faster with lower payments. It doesn't really make any difference to me since both cards would be in my name.

Everything we do with bills right now is per our personal agreement. We have done no legal work towards separation or divorce. (Early on I had contacted a paralegal company but I didn't proceed)

[2ndtimearoundCA]

She responded to the email rather quickly saying she would take care of it on Sunday. She said she was at her Dad's for the weekend. I didn't respond. I won't; there is no need.

I did not mention the new card idea to her.

On another issue I am gonna give myself a 2x4 for mind reading. I sort of cringe when she visits her home town because I am pretty certain she has an OM there. It would be just a sex buddy for her. But I think it slows down progress for us when she goes there.

[AnotherStander]

I think you handled the CC issue fine, it probably would have been going too far to suggest moving it to a lower interest rate card, she might see that as controlling behavior.

Regarding OM, good job on the 2x4 That's beyond your control, and you don't really know if anything is going on anyway so turn your focus back to you.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

For the past 6 weeks, every other Tuesday my w and I have gotten together. Things felt good immediately following our last “get-together”. I wrote earlier that there may be progress, because every two weeks is more frequent than we were seeing each other previously. Even though there seems to be a pattern, none of of these were planned. Last time it was totally last minute. I want to say I have no expectations, but since I am bringing it up I may have some small amount of thought that it may come up again. If the pattern holds, then our next Tuesday meeting would be tomorrow. This time I am leaning against a nudge...

Why does she keep me around? It seems from comments she makes and the fact that she reaches out to me that she still does have feelings for me, there is just some big block in the way of moving forward and I don’t know what that is. Although when the whole sex thing came up 4 to 5 weeks ago and it ended up not happening w claimed that she would enjoy it, but it was bad idea for me because I would have too many feelings while she has none.

I find myself getting very impatient with my progress. I am not looking for her to just come back. Progress to me would be seeing each other on the weekends every once in a while. Maybe have the “dates” feel a little more romantic.

Maybe I am asking for too much here. I have a fear of a never-ending roller coaster. I read others situations where it looks like reconciliation is right around the corner and then those folks go back to a place that seems much worse than where I am.

Weekly, maybe even daily, I go back and forth about giving up and moving on. Hanging onto hope feels like an unhealthy place to be. I just have not figured out how to detach from that and still be open to the possibility of reconciliation. I am not going to come on here and proclaim I am done or that I am going to stick with it for x amount of time; I just don’t know.

My time with my w was relatively short. We had been married for 3.5 years and now we’re 8 months separated (we did have 6.5 years together in total.) So while in absolute terms 8 months may not seem that long, it is about 20% of the time we were married.

I am wondering about short second marriages without kids (together). Does a WAW from this situation ever come back because it is “the right thing to do”? Or would she even come back because I have become the kind of h only a fool would leave? I don’t suspect my w will ever come back unless I somehow attract her back.

I don’t know if it is my love for my w that keeps me going, or if it is my realization that I still need to work on me.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

So yesterday w finally got caught up with paying the bill and she sent me a text saying what she did. I thanked her and a few minutes later told her that her license renewal course materials had arrived. She asked when she could pick them up ... I said "come anytime", but told her that she has a lot of time bc she won't need to complete he course until April... Today I asked her for a pic of me in an old Halloween costume. I could not find a copy of this pic in my stuff. She said she would send the pic

Pretty boring stuff...

She has not reached out to meet with me this week so far... I kind of feel like she may be backing off a tad.. It is hard to say

Anyway.. there you have it; another exciting update... lol

[JayMan]

2nd - I'm honestly a bit jealous of you. My situation yo-yos so much (probably at least partially through my own fault) that I long for quiet peace.

Isn't it funny how we are jealous of each other's sitches?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

@ Jon.. You're right I am jealous of your sitch.. It is a virtual certainty that my w has had "PA" since we have separated. I put it in quotes because she thinks of us a completely broken up .... so she is not cheating. It is possible that she had something going on before BD and that would bother me a bit more.. But either way, I would love to have my w want to work on the M. I could forgive her for everything as long as she put the effort in.

Nonetheless, I get where you are coming from. When I found out that w1 had been physical with another man was the point that I was able to move on. I was done with that M.

This time I know that I need to make major changes to me before I get involved with anyone else. Honestly, I am not even sure about everything that I need to do. I am on a bit of a journey to find me.

[FlyOnTheWall]

If indeed you think your wife has had a PA. Then im sorry for the feelings you must have to be dealing with. It sure feels like a hard kick to the abdomen.

Why did her previous marriage end? Is this what you know or what you've been told?

What are some of your major changes? By getting "involved" with anyone else, did u mean your wife, or dating?

Do you think going dark at this point can hurt? Do you think she'd miss you? or because of what you think was a limited time together is really going to work further against you at this point with the recent revelation of a "PA"?

I might be wrong, but maybe its time to just take care of you for a little while, do you think you've been so dependent on reaction that its paralyzed some of the changes you needed to make for yourself? You've been pretty steady with the contact, do you think trying something different would be in order?

What makes this situation different for you in regards to w1 cheating but not this one? Why aren't you done this time?

2ta, please slow it all down in your head. Set some small attainable goals for now, build slowly. Know that your not gonna be hitting your stride for a little while. Don't feel like you've let yourself down by not doing enough. I think you've been incredible, you just need to give it all some time.

Eat, sleep, and take care of yourself. Time to pick up a new hobby I think. I want you to do an internet search for cooking classes in your area, and I want you to take one. It can be a one time class that last 2-3 hours or it can be a one hour class for a couple/few weeks. But do something completely different this time. If you want some major changes, start with something that's major different. You need to break the routine. If you don't want to do cooking, do something you don't think you'd ever have considered doing before? A ballroom dance class?

Hang in there! make a list of your changes and get to work.