The child on the way was the game changer. MIL has to distance herself or else she will add to the stress of her sons new relationship.
While the blowup of you and Joe was horrible... now there is a completely innocent third party involved. Tori, step away from this with true grace. You know she isnt happy about this- you can read it in her email- but she is trying to do whats best for her sons child and future baby mama. Joe screwed up- UGLY!
You walk away with grace and be joes regret, the one who got away.......
Dont worry- in the end we will be MUCH better for taking the high road
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Long time since we've spoken, friend. A lot going on in my life...I've had to step away from here for awhile, maybe for good soon..
Anyway, I just wanted to post to tell you I was thinking of you and have been sorry our paths haven't connected..life gets so busy, but it doesn't mean I don't think of you often!
I'm very sorry about your MIL stance in cutting off communications with you... I worry this will happen with my in-laws down the road as well. Blood is DEFINITELY thicker than water. No doubt, despite the WHY of it all.
You are a beautiful person, inside and out...I know there are wonderful things in your life ahead..look what you are already doing for so many people out there..including me! So, thank you my friend! And, keep in touch!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
PS and GTO, thank you so much for posting, and for your kind words!!
Joe and I talked yesterday, and I expressed my feelings about what happened with my MIL and her email to basically say, “good bye because I’m now supporting the OW.” He told me it had been his request, and that he did it after the woman asked for it repeatedly. He said, “I had no option. Well, I guess the option was to end the R.” I told him if the R had ended because of FB, there was no R. He said he tried to ignore this woman’s requests but she continued insisting and threatened to leave. It seems she went w him to the family reunion they had back in July (they booked the trip at the last minute when they found out about her pregnancy) and “it was a disaster” he said. The woman complained about my MIL the entire time, and she felt the family didn’t welcome her—the fact that he had been seeing her for only 4 months back then and that she was already pregnant didn’t help matters, but I didn’t say this. He said his mom didn’t want to do the FB/ NC thing but she felt obligated because he told her that his R would end if she didn’t do it. Once she did it, she told Joe she felt terrible and that she had done something wrong… The woman told Joe he has to have a discussion with his mother about her supposedly controlling behavior (which isn’t true—my MIL isn’t controlling) and that he needs professional help to deal with his anger. Yup. This woman is exactly what Joe didn’t want—someone to tell him what to do and when to do it. He complained she never “pampers him” which I did so much you wouldn’t believe it. Joe told me that he now appreciates how I always had loving gestures toward him and would give him a massage just because, but this woman says no to everything. He still does about 80% of the housework. He admitted this R is a lot harder than our M but then he said, “all R’s are hard.” I remember him complaining that our R wasn’t easy and that M “should be easy or isn’t meant to be.” Well, look what he’s gotten into. I asked him how it felt to be so controlled. He was quiet, then said he didn’t have to answer that question. I then said what I needed: 1. Respect. 2. No spreading negative messages to other members of the family. 3. Telling his mom that I don’t harbor resentments and will not reject her if she decides to reach out. He offered to conference in his mom but I said he needed to have that conversation in private. So that was it. Joe is in for a long ride that doesn’t seem to be that much fun at all…but this is the result of his actions. There is a third party who hasn't even been born yet, which is sad.
Me? I learned that expressing my feelings and asking for action is essential, and I also learned that Joe leaving me was a true blessing…
Tori is must have been a relief in your heart to learn that MIl's actions were prodded by Joe (pressure from OW) and not her own will. You knew that something was not right about it all.
It seems Joe is in a really difficult position and may be for quite sometime. You continue to show grace and dignity and strength of character. It is a testament to all that you are.
Lots of love to you xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Geez, this OW seems insecure to have requested that MIL end contact.... she says MIL is controlling but it seems she is the controlling one, telling people who they can/can't talk to? It's also sad that adults can't make their own decisions and take a stand for themselves. Hopefully OW won't use the child as a tool in their relationship.....scary.
Good for you keeping calm and peaceful attitude per usual. You are so strong and level headed. I hope many blessings & continued growth flow your way before the end of this year! Enjoy your week.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Tori, I’m glad it turned out that MIL didn’t initiate it on her own. I can’t help but to think that his woman has some kind of power over everyone in Joe’s family. It is like there is something weird. She might be a very big bully and they just don’t want to deal with the conflict. It is also interesting that Joe is tolerating all that. But, he is starting to “see” things.
Good job, as always, in keeping it calm and civil.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Busting, it was a relief to know my MIL had been pushed to do what she did.
Mimi, when people judge others, they're usually mirroring who they are themselves. This is why OW criticizes others for being controlling.
BF, this woman is definitely a bully, and Joe and his family are known for avoiding conflict at all costs. Joe and I never had a fight--never. I thought he was pretty happy with the way things were bc he never complained--until BD. I wasn't happy w the way he treated me, and I remember first keeping it all inside and then voicing the changes I wanted to see, but he would say he would change his ways and not do anything about it.
He continues the same behavior, bc he told me he's harboring resentment about the way OW treats him but he's not saying anything. Also, he ignores her requests to do something until she blows up (and these are big, big fights.) It wasn't my place to give him advice, so I just listened.
It's interesting how we attract what we put our attention on. Joe's complaint was that I was "too nice," and because I was so nice and thoughtful he felt he had to watch what he did and said to me--apparently he felt guilty if he did or say something hurtful. Guess he didn't think much about that when he had an A, but he said that's the way it was before he strayed. So here he's got this woman who is the complete opposite of "too nice." Also, his goal was to be "free" and "not to answer to anyone." Well, now he's under this woman's complete control. Very interesting.
I know he'll financially take care of the kid if he divorces again, so that won't be an issue. I do see this poor young person being raised in a really negative environment...happens all the time all around us. Maybe that's why some people are proponents of testing people before they become parents.
I have become such a hypersensitive person when it comes to children after having D3.5 and forcing her to have to be "resilient". Best case scenario is no lasting permanent psychological damage but what about lost potential??the taking away of what they could have become. They have one chance to be children and we (the supposed "parents") go and screw it up for them.
IM PISSED AT JOE!
I only hope to find someone "too nice"
Either you have attained true detachment or must be boiling in anger because you seem to know alot about his current sitch. Someday ill achieve that inner strength.
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
BF, this woman is definitely a bully, and Joe and his family are known for avoiding conflict at all costs. Joe and I never had a fight--never. I thought he was pretty happy with the way things were bc he never complained--until BD. I wasn't happy w the way he treated me, and I remember first keeping it all inside and then voicing the changes I wanted to see, but he would say he would change his ways and not do anything about it.
He continues the same behavior, bc he told me he's harboring resentment about the way OW treats him but he's not saying anything. Also, he ignores her requests to do something until she blows up (and these are big, big fights.) It wasn't my place to give him advice, so I just listened.
It's interesting how we attract what we put our attention on. Joe's complaint was that I was "too nice," and because I was so nice and thoughtful he felt he had to watch what he did and said to me--apparently he felt guilty if he did or say something hurtful. Guess he didn't think much about that when he had an A, but he said that's the way it was before he strayed. So here he's got this woman who is the complete opposite of "too nice." Also, his goal was to be "free" and "not to answer to anyone." Well, now he's under this woman's complete control. Very interesting.
"Interesting" doesn't begin to describe it! There are so many different psychological dynamics at play with him and your sitch that the adjectives are limitless, you should write a book or something.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hi Tori...I wanted to respond, but not with a casual, "oh that's too bad..."
Now I have time.
You are lucky you are free of Joe, because you have grown into an awesome woman that will make the right person feel like the luckiest guy on earth. But you could not have gotten here without the time spent there...
I was mad at your MIL and Joe, but now that you have indicated that they are the avoid conflict at all costs people, I feel really sad for them. That's no way to live one's life. Reminds me of H
Your posts remind me that all our emotions still remain, divorced or not, together or not, happy or not. It's how we deal with them and choose not to let them control us, that matters.
