Quarter Life Crisis?

[flgurl84]

I am posting my story in MLC because 1. There is no depression section and 2. I think my husband suffers from depression and a problem with handling life’s transitions.
I originally posted in Newcomers and I am still on moderation, I haven’t had as much traffic as I’d like. I also want to re-write our story as clearly as I can. Sorry for the length.
Our History
Met in Aug 2007, I was 23, H was 24. He had built a (our) house and in Oct 07 I had fully moved in. Life was good. Then he lost his job (he builds houses, and the FL housing boom busted) and his best friend had to move in as a roommate. Things quickly disintegrated from there, and in April 08 he ending up having an EA. He never fully admitted that he did anything wrong, neither did she. I wrestled with my emotions until July 08 and then left him. I was done and cut off contact for 8 months. In that time he had met someone new, gotten her pregnant and they were to be married the first day of spring. How romantic (gag me). I knew all this because I had to contact him for an unresolved electric bill, utilities were in my name when we lived together. After that initial contact, contact increased, all initiated by him. I questioned his pregnant fiancé’s feelings. She was fine with him being friends with me, she was friends with her ex, and since he and I had so many similar interests she encouraged our friendship. Then she lost the baby and they broke up. My contact with him was still limited, but we decided to meet. That was March 20, 2009, the first day of spring (ironically) and we have been together ever since. It was not all rosy, and we argued and fought for a good 6 months about his previous EA . But things couldn’t have been that bad. I moved back into the same house I left 8 months ago, we adopted a dog, my Harley (at the time 5 yr old Doberman) and in Sept 09 we were engaged! I was on cloud 9. Whoever this man was I left in July 08 was dead and gone and this new man was here and ready to commit to me fully. I also got an apology for his EA. After a heated argument, he came to me, apologized for it and stated that his relationship with her was inappropriate and it wouldn’t happen again. That was all I needed. Before I left him, he completely denied that it was inappropriate and made me feel like a crazy person. We married on March 20, 2010 (first day of spring again!) in an informal ceremony at my parents. My father’s cancer had come back and he was terminal. H loved my father as much as I did. My father was No. 1 in my life and I loved that H and Dad were so close. If Dad approved, it was meant to be. Dad had never loved any of my other BFs, but liked or tolerated them. But H was the son he never had, and Dad was the father that H’s dad never was. We wanted to be married so Dad could see it. He vowed to Dad he would always take care of mom and I. Dad passed in June 2010.
The last 3 years were perfect. Yes, ups and downs and fights and happiness all ensued of course. Sex was good/great. He loved me and all my imperfections and vice versa. We were best friends. We could not get enough of each other. Then it all changed.
Fast forward to November 2012. We had tossed around starting a family, but we weren’t ready. We wanted to spend our money on us and focus on our lives as two people. Then his cousin’s baby mama (they already had one child) was pregnant again. They have no money, the grandmother bought a house for them, the child they have is not raised very well and is rude and ill-mannered. The grandmother suggested the cousin get a vasectomy even! These people should not have children, in our opinion. The mother is addicted to adderall and steals drugs. they should NOT be in charge of raising children. We were both upset that people who are not married and should not have children get breast fed off the teat of society when they get pregnant, but we will have to pay upwards of $500 for a decent health insurance plan with maternity. Then my best friend of 10 years also got pregnant. She has the same story as the cousin. Not married, although with her BF for 3 years, no money, no health insurance, mom bought her a house. Meanwhile me and my H struggle to pay our bills, save money for retirement, pay for insurance and still try to have fun. It seemed like all the wrong people were able, even helped to start a family, and me and H, who would be ideal parents, had to actually plan and not just have happy accidents because we would NOT be afforded gov’t assistance, while other people were handed houses and cars and maternity bills were paid for, we had to actually work for our life, and save for things we wanted. We became very self-righteous and judgmental people. I ended up abandoning my best friend who was pregnant, because the jealousy was too much. But I also became obsessed with planning when we could have children and how we could do it. My whole life revolved around babies. And we actually had a good plan, to start in 2 years, which was a year to pay off debt and a year to save. But I would not stop talking about it and I know that I acted like I hated my life because my husband wouldn’t let me have a baby.
The major turning point was a suicide of a close friend of H’s. Bob died and he took my H with him. That was May 2013. Sex stopped completely. H was physically disabled by depression. H had also just started his own construction business and Bob was his main man for advice. He also had 2 very close friends move away, and lost the comradery that working with a crew of guys gives you. He worked by himself often. He became very lethargic, not enjoying anything he used to, very irritable, anything I did or said was wrong and started a fight. Basic depression, but would not get meds or therapy. Communication was nonexistent. He used to text during the day and call when he was out of work. Now I never got any call or text. It was like he hated talking to me. He spent most of our savings buying a small boat for us, but meanwhile I spend a measly $100 on 6 used lamps and 3 living room tables and it was the worst financial decision ever. When this first all happened, he was away on business and casually I asked if he missed my home cooked meals. He stated, No, and he was fine eating his grilled cheese and chunky soup. Yes he liked my cooking but he could do just fine without it and me! He couldn’t have just said yes. There was that rebellious, I don’t need you attitude MLCers get. Then my anxiety started, and I started all the wrong actions. Desperate actions. We know them, I don’t need to list them. He withdrew.
On Sept 4 2013 we had our last blow out fight and decided to separate. Despite everything it was a very civilized towards the end. I berated H, begging him to just admit he didn’t love me or he wasn’t attracted to me or that he wanted out. He still to this day maintains that he loves me, he is in love with me and he is attracted to me. He has stated that he has no sex drive and even tried to “jog” it by looking at porn, which didn’t work. He said he doesn’t love himself. He also has stated that maybe he should just be alone. He wants to just be alone. He also stated that he doesn’t care about the house, the dog, he isn’t proud of the work he has done or the business he built. He doesn’t care about anything. He also promised that if we couldn’t make it work and we had to divorce, he would not “ruin my credit” and would help me buy a house, and he would still take care of me and mom because he had promised dad that. He also stated he never wanted to not talk to me or not be in each other’s life. This was all very tearfully said and I believe he meant it. I left the next morning and stayed part time with my mom and part time at his moms for one whole month. Communication was only via email or text regarding bills and dogs for a while. We had a couple of TV dates, hung out for about 2 hours, which were very awkward, but nice. Oct 5 2013 I moved back in, due to necessity. He was out of town for work for the first week I got back to house. At first I was upset, but then I was OK with being able to come back to my home and not have him around.
Oct 13 until today—We are both back in the house together. I am in master, he is in guest room. I am DBing, LRT, GAL, 180, acting as if, and things have been good. Not back to normal, but better than they were. There is very little anger, and none directed at me. We have spent some time together. I am doing everything everyone on the BB suggests. I do not respond to his texts, if I get them during the day, which I do now, sometimes. I have been reading anything I can get my hands on. I don’t have much money or a social circle. I’ve gone back to church and started praying. I am on anti-depressants for my anxiety attacks. I spend time with the little family and friends I have. I've rekindled my friendship with my pregnant friend, who now has a beautiful baby girl, and am trying to make up for my actions by being a good friend and "aunt" now. Sometime I just drive around to not be home. I do not cook, or do any chores for him. Lovingly distant, that is what I am. He is somewhat affectionate, more so then before the separation. I get many hugs. I get complimented. We laugh and talk some. I listen, A LOT, which I usually do not do. He doesn’t ask me about my day or plans. I get hugged goodbye every morning though. That had completely stopped. He would literally roll out of bed, get ready and shout good bye from the door. We have had one fun outing, antiquing in the next town over.
He suffers from anxiety of some sort when he is at the house for extended periods of time. He has spent the night 3 times at a male friend’s house, who I know. The first time I hid my feelings. I thought he was testing me. I said OK have fun bye! But the second time, it took me by such shock, I couldn’t. He asked over and over if I was OK. I said yes, and as soon as he left, started crying. Well he did an about face and caught me crying in the house. He told me (his words) “Don’t cry, I love you (!!!) and I am not abandoning you.” I said nothing, did not hug him back, but told him I was ok, as he left. The 3rd time I cried again, shocked again that he was leaving, but through my tears I told him I was ok, that I missed him and he said “I miss me too.” When I asked why he wants to go there, he says he likes to be alone and he gets anxiety at the house. I told him I hated being alone. He still left. The last time he went, he stayed a few hours and came back that night. I have told him it is OK if he needs to go. I have come to peace with his need for solitude and do not take it personal anymore. That brings me to this midlife or quarter life crisis theory I have. He has still expressed that he is still very sad. But many of my action oriented goals have been met.
Goal #1: Be back in house by Thanksgiving- DONE actually sooner!
Goal #2: Little to no arguments- DONE. we have not disagreed since Sept 4 discussion. Granted there has been no R talks.
Goal #3: Have fun again- We laugh every day together. It is usually about small things, but my H is a joker, and we used to do funny voices and recite inside jokes to each other just to get a laugh. I admit, I had stopped laughing at our inside jokes, then he stopped smiling and laughing at me all together.
Goal #4: Affection- This is slow also, but the hugs are more frequent and he asks me if I want them, I do not initiate. I tried initiating some physical affection in the car, I always used to rub his neck, but he didn’t really respond, so I stopped.
But he has not brought up anything about us. I do not think he is having an A. I did tell him the last time he was planning to leave, that I do not check our phone records anymore. He asked what I meant, and I said, just what I said, I don’t do that anymore. He said that he was not seeing anyone, and I could if I wanted to. I told him I do not want to because that is something I want to change for myself, but I just wanted him to know. I feel good about that conversation.
He has invited me a few times to go sit on his air mattress, I usually politely decline. I am in this holding pattern, and I guess I have to be OK with it. I want to know where we stand, but I guess deep down I know. If he was out of his crisis, he would come to me. If he felt better about life, us, marriage, he would come to me. He has expressed that he is still sad, he likes and needs to be alone sometimes and he misses himself (his old self).
I am working on me, I see a lot of changes I need to make. I am an over-doer, a martyr type. Why don't you love me? I do everything for you! But yet, he never asked me to. I felt it was my duty.
I worry about cake eating. Although I do no cooking or cleaning for him (I left his dirty dishes he made in the sink for 4 days, P U it stunk, but he took care of it!) or doing anything special for him at all. I have moved some of his things into his side of the house, and he took it as me being nice. I was doing it so he wouldn’t have excuses to barge in my room! But I didn’t tell him that, what good would it have done. He asked if I needed shoes, I said yes, he said we should make a trip to the mall. I brought it up again by saying I printed coupons from local shoe store. I was told, "Oh good, when you go to buy shoes, get me a pair, size 11 wide." Um excuse me? U don't want to fulfill any of my needs, you are confused about how you feel about us and are marriage, but you want me to still take care of you?! I will NOT be buying him shoes.
The most disappointing thing is that everything I read about MLC is for 40-65, talking about working out, liposuction, dye their hair, new clothes and new toys. Of course we are much younger, and although my H doesn’t have the best body, it is not an old body. There has been no change in his dressing. He just wants to take care of himself, do what he wants, when he wants, with no one to control him and no restrictions and not have to worry about anyone else but him. I guess that means not making time for me if he doesn’t want to. If he wants to work all day all night, that’s his deal and I need to just shut up or leave.
I think he is in the depression/withdrawl stage. I have seen the denial and anger...not pretty. But I am concerned at what to do. I have read somewhere about validation? Any insight would be great. And yes I need to do some more homework as far as reading the resources in MLC. I have only gotten to the tip of that iceberg.
Thanks and God Bless