So lost and hurt #3

[indigo1]

I know she still loves me but is scared that things will go back to the way they were. I'm not happy she has another man that she has turned to to help her out emotionally, but its my own fault because I was not there for her in that way over the past few years. I dug the hole that I am in right now, not denying that at all. I have taken a long hard look at myself and the way I was over these past two months. I know that I want to change and I also know that I have.

As far as why I was not as affectionate and as communicative as I should have been is probably because that is what I grew up seeing in my parents M. I had a long talk with them about this when I got kicked out of the house on 9/1 and stayed in NY with them for two weeks. It felt so good to get it out and really made me feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I dont want to live the rest of my life being like that. I love the feeling of being hugged and having that connection with someone. It just always felt awkward for some reason. I'm not scared to open myself up anymore and I just pray that I get the chance to be that man for my W some day.