You'll think of me....

[MileHigh]

You did better than I would have! How I wanted to have contact with The Handyman, if you know what I mean.... the one time I texted him, when I had every right to ask about repairs on the house that I am paying for, 5 minutes later I got an angry text from W. At some point later she said that if I ever contacted him in any way, she'd never speak to me again. It's been temping a few times to test that threat.... LOL

I don't know how you can stand to have H in the house. I quickly considered myself lucky that W and I are physically separated.

I would not have the self control not to take a hammer to the salt shaker and a lighter to the slippers. I would also probably pull the internet cable now and then whenever there's a skype session.

See how much better you're doing? Seriously, though, you have to allow yourself this little slip up. I don't think anyone could keep it all together when confronted with that!

[LoisB]

Linda,

How are you doing today?

I'm glad your H felt guilty and treated you nicely.

What about making a list of boundaries that you need respected if he is to stay in the house? Then, put the list to him in order to avoid any further confrontations. If he can't abide by what YOU NEED, then so be it. It will still be his choice.

My D19 did this with her dad over the summer. She told him he could only move her into her dorm IF he went to four A.A. meetings or went back to counseling. He refused. It's given her some power because whenever he brings it up, she is able to say, "Dad, that was YOUR CHOICE. You refused to get help. That's not on me." I was really proud of her and it puts the responsibility back in it's proper lap.

Your H needs to know it's absolutely NOT OK for him to carry on with this affair in your family home. What would happen if he left? Maybe spending unlimited time with the Gnat is just what he needs and deserves.

I'm just thinking out loud. Take what you like and leave the rest. Maybe I'm just angry about my own sitch today.

Much love and so proud of how you stood up for yourself!!!!

Heather

[makingmagic]

Hi Linda.... you have GREAT support here! WOW!! Hope today is a better one... I replied to you on my thread.

Good luck with the salt shaker... and other boundaries you need to make.

((hugs)) Magic.

[kml]

Buy him a car? Oh he!l no.

[Whiterose]

Linda, she may smirk at you just to confuse you......while on the inside seething and confused. Like our MLC spouses I would believe only half of what you see with her.....maybe, less. She has a lot to lose if H doesn't divorce you and marry her, she's fighting dirty, because SHE doesn't have any other viable option.

You will ALWAYS be better than her. You have dignity, intelligence, you are truly loved and and have self-respect.....no matter the outcome these are traits she will never posses. If your H were to actually, foolishly, chose her over you you will not only survive you'll thrive.

Try, as much as you can (my H doesn't seem to be having an PA currently although the first time he left, when I was pregnant with S18, he did and we ALL worked in the same building as did H's dad, sister and PA's mom and step dad) my dear to not allow the life of a gnat destroy your inner peace.

Thinking of you Hun. Have a good day:)

[uRworthy]

My friend, I agree, respect is earned, not demanded. But I am not suggesting you demand his respect. I am suggesting you show that you have it for yourself.

That is the mindset I am talking about. Sometimes I feel as if you walk around on eggshells and that isnt right.

It is your home, too, and he is not doing the right thing in it.

There is absolutely nothing wrond with setting boundaries. As long as they are set to protect you and not to punish him.

We are New Yorkers, so you know the attitude I'm talking about. LOL!

When you pass him, look at him like, whatever buddy, and keep on going.

He is lucky he has been allowed to stay as long as he has, sweetie. Maybe he is starting to get that.

[RosaLinda]

Thanks guys! I decided to get a bit of back bone yesterday, with uR's help (the darned thing keeps deserting me, evaporating, and she has to keep giving me pep talks lol!). I put RT's salt and pepper shakers (blobby red and black figurines that hug each other bleeech) next to the pot H heats up that nasty oatmeal in every day. And he quietly took them away, to his room I assume. If he'd put them back on the dining room hutch, I would have taken a hammer to them like you DMR!

So my next hurdle was the slippers. They look like extremely ugly bile colored baby booties, and RT knit them with her own hands. I had a speech ready, but when H came down to the living room last night in them to watch TV, I was overcome with revulsion, and just looked at his feet in disgust without saying a word, and he turned around and went back up stairs. He showed up this morning in sneakers, but that might be because he needed to take the garbage out. He is SO crabby this morning. Oh well.

After he left, my courage deserted me, but uR kept the pep talks coming, and I'm ready. How stupid am I to be afraid to tell my own H not to wear slippers that his GF knit for him in the house?

His mom called to complain about her cell phone (she is 83 and so cute, texting everyone, then has trouble reading the screen ) and I told her about yelling at H when he called RT "honey" in front of me, and then telling RT that he does not work, cannot get her a green card, says he does not know what he wants to do because he loves me and our home and does not want to lose his family, etc. MIL was all excited and said it's about time I started sticking up for myself. I told her how vile RT was, and how H had described her to a "T." She said H is very confused, he will not want RT much longer, so hang in there, but she feels RT is not going to believe me or give up. She said RT has too much invested in H and is going to push until she gets her wedding ring, or she pushes him out of her life. I'm hoping for the second

FY, how were the worms? Mine are back in the can, I think. I'm going to let those suckers out one at a time and stomp on them.

Rose, do you really think RT is seething and confused? And TVS (how great to hear from you by the way ), she honestly did not look at all like the truth was ringing in her ears. She looked pretty self satisfied to me, just sat there smirking, and every time H contradicted something I said, she laughed, a really nasty snarky laugh. She did not look the least bit confused, more like convinced! A real arrogant, nasty, pushy bitch, just like H described her. Nero, I did feel a bit like I was trying to fight of a mad woman with a feather duster.

Heather, how great for your daughter to have taken a stand like that with your H! She's got a much stronger backbone at 19 than I do at 61!

CP, thanks for writing "in all honesty you can start putting your foot down on the things around the home that are bothering you that you don't have to tolerate any longer. Sometimes in order to be respected you need to stand up for what you believe in. And it is ok to do so." There's not a lot H does that bothers me, he is a kind MLCer compared to some of the rest of your spouses (Wonka calls him a kitty cat MLCer ) mostly just these two things right how. But it's a start, right? H also knows (if he remembers me telling him, that is always doubtful) that if he goes away with RT again, he is not welcome to return to our home.

So three boundaries for me, it's a start!

[Wonka]

I put RT's salt and pepper shakers (blobby red and black figurines that hug each other bleeech) next to the pot H heats up that nasty oatmeal in every day.

So my next hurdle was the slippers. They look like extremely ugly bile colored baby booties, and RT knit them with her own hands.

This just shows that RT has no taste whatsoever!

I think it is time to talk with your kitty kitten H and tell him in no uncertain terms that things need to change around the house. No more RT stuff in and around the house except his bedroom. In my sitch, I told Ms. Wonka that her OW wasn't welcome at the house after I found out they've engaged in a full-blown affair and that I would run OW out if she ever showed up. Tell H that his actions is disrespectful to you and that they need to stop immediately.

FY, how were the worms? Mine are back in the can, I think. I'm going to let those suckers out one at a time and stomp on them.

Nah, mail it one-way via airmail to the RT!!

You're doing great with setting boundaries and removing RT's stuff around the "main" areas of the house. Keep it up, baby!

[BrightFuture]

RT is indeed arrogant. This is why you saw her reaction as being satisfied and convinced. She is a very nasty person. People like that enjoy the confrontation, especially when they instigate it themselves or are the reason for it. But deep down, she is very conflicted person. She doesn’t trust anybody, this is why she needs to be controlling.

I cannot wait for your updates about the slippers. I bet that if you enforce the rule for him not to wear these ugly things in the house, she will notice and will not like it. So, I envision your H hurrying to his room when she calls and changing into the slippers, then taking them off after he is done talking with her. One of these times he will forget to one or another. Rosa, see what you are doing? You are making him to think about these darn slippers all the time, poor man, LOL.

I love Wonka’s idea about the worms .

[ForeverYoung]

See, his reaction to your actions regarding the shakers and slippers prove you actually have power here. Goofy as he is right now, H knows he really can't afford to lose you. Bust On!

RT has too much invested in H...

Hahaha.. not anywhere near as much as you do!

FY, how were the worms?

Not too bad, actually. A little barbeque sauce really brought out the wormy goodness. Probably be a nice addition to that f'd up oatmeal, I'd think.