Ambiv it is great that you recognize this. "He is terrified of getting hurt like that from me again, and has led to the feeling of disconnection. He has put a suit of armor on and I will have to slowly gingerly let him know that I accept him, admire him , and find him attractive in all areas." I believe that feeling respected and admired is SO important to men. That casual touching you mentioned, laying your hand on his arm or back, is important too. My DB coach suggested it to me, but my H still shies away.
I hope the AD help you. You sound like a hot momma! Glad to hear that today is a new day and you're going to throw off misery and embrace your fabulous old self!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
"He is terrified of getting hurt like that from me again, and has led to the feeling of disconnection. He has put a suit of armor on and I will have to slowly gingerly let him know that I accept him, admire him , and find him attractive in all areas
." [/quote]
I have a lot of work to do. I don't always hear what he needs. I have a H that will say something , a word here and there, but I don't know how to translate it. This is such a challenge to me.
I've failed him in so many ways. For example he is still showing his love for me, but I wasn't seeing it:
Before he left he made sure someone did the lawn. Pays the elec., water, mortg., heat, etc. Pays for school ( but I do believe it may be so I can get a job ) When I needed new phone, immediately got one Was there for me, when I had accident
Always returns any correspondence Doesn't avoid me Has started to compliment me Hugs me at times
I thought I had to step back and not show my love until he made a decision. I think I misunderstood what stepping back and acting "as if" means.
When he says the same issues are there or haven't changed, he won't be specific, and I'm stuck guessing...So I guess he wants me to put him first even though he's left.
He has mentioned this regularly.
I'. m so confused as how to handle this in a D.R way.
I'm guessing if I use a 180, it would be to be available to him, whenever he wants?
He wants to be first, ahead of everyone and thing. I need some input here, because where would boundaries be?
Do I just let them go for now? Also I'm curious about those whose H's said they were not attracted to them anymore, yet they did have relations...how did that occur? Did you initiate first or did he?
While vacuuming these things came into my mind today.
"I am not in any hurry to come to a final resolution between us, and most of the issues that caused me to leave remain unchanged."
Most of the issues I would LOVE to know what issues have changed? What ARE the other issues?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Okay, as I was writing the above , husband called back from yesterday.
Sat. is the first day of hunting season.
Thursday, around lunchtime he is coming out to check his salt lick, take it down, and scope out the area. He said he'll stop by the house.
Friday around dinner time, he wants to take my vehicle and get a deer sized trailer to load a deer onto the hitch.
Sat. he's going to come by at 5:00 a.m. to swap vehicles to go hunt.
I asked if it was okay to go with him to check out the hunting site. I thought it'd be cool to see the area. He said sure!
I'm thinking to pack a good picnic lunch. This gives us an opportunity to just enjoy the weather and some time without daughter or business.
Friday night , I'm fixing a good dinner to eat for when he gets back with the trailer. I'm even going to try and have left overs for him to take home! * thinking of him
Sat. Morning I'm thinking, what if I pack a picnic breakfast for he and his friend for the cold morning of hunting?
Be up and give it to them, with a big smile on my face... as a surprise.
I told him I could have lunch for them, between the time of the morning and the afternoon hunt.
This would be a huge difference or 180 of me before...
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Ambivalent, I think you will look like you are trying too hard if you do all that you have come up w/on your list for the first weekend of hunting. If he's smart, he'll see right through the fact that you are trying too hard. Do one or two things, but not all of them.
I would suggest that you pick those times that he is going to be around you for any length of time to fix a meal. Why not ask your h if he would like for you to pack a picnic breakfast for him and his friend for Saturday morning. If he says yes, ask him what they would like to have. It could be a thermos of coffee and muffins or just the coffee. Deer can smell things a mile away and he may tell you that he doesn't want anything prepared for the morning.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can always do a breakfast sandwich on another hunting morning.
I already said I'd do dinner on Fri. night, so not to would be same old behavior. I would say I was going to do dinner, then would have a busy day or got tired and then ask him to bring home dinner.
As for tomorrow lunch time, I have the chicken ready...I could just casually ask if he's eaten , and if not say I was making myself a sandwich, does he want one? No picnic lunch. We'll be hiking around a big parcel of land, so eating a quick bite is cheaper than eating out.
Saturday, I'll just put coffee in the suv, I'll just have chili made. If they come back in between hunting periods, it's made, and will be in a crock pot no biggie. If they don't , it is made and can be eaten for dinner.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
ambiv.... its too much !! Listen to job, she knows what she is talking about. Slow to start is better, he will see through all this!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
What if you ask him to bring coffee and you provide the muffins?
Don't do anything special for dinner, just what you planned to do for yourself already.
Simple. I think simple is better. Just my .02. He may get a scent of woman pursuing and back way off. Take it slow. Something small says you care, but not TOO MUCH!!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Dinner was going to be a venison roast, with roasted potatoes and carrots, maybe a simple salad. I can't make what I'd make myself...steamed broc. with cheese is NOT what I would cook if my daughters or husband were present. Plus need to get rid of past years venison in freezer.
On Saturday doing muffins and he bringing coffee, is too much. Sat hunting is with another guy.
I was going to do breakfast sandwiches and coffee. So just having coffee for both in the morning of the hunt, should be enough. I'll just have the cups out and coffee maker ready, and stay in bed.
No chili for later in the day.
How's that?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I would do the dinner and ask him if he would like for you to make coffee on Saturday morning. If he says yes, then have it ready and be up and wish them good luck on their day of hunting. Don't assume anything...ask him about the coffee. Go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
