Well Accuray pretty much laid it all out, and quite eloquently I might add I just have a couple things to add:
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I am wondering can you work on a marriage when someone is depressed or do you just join them in that sad dark place.
DB'ing is all about working on YOU. You can't work on the M directly, but you can work on you and by doing 180's and making improvements to yourself you are indirectly working on the M. And you absolutely do not "join them" in depression. Have you read DR? If so, do you recall "PMA"? Positive Mental Attitude. It's critical to helping you recover from the shock of BD and it's also important to show your spouse because he will not be attracted back to a sad, desperate, clingy you, but he may eventually be attracted back to a happy, lively, independent, confident, sexy you.
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I don't want to divorce or separate but feel like I am locked in some weird verbal battle with a stranger, where the same things get said and enhanced each time.
By verbal battle I assume you mean arguments, and you do have the control to stop those. MWD offers some techniques in DR. Go back and read that chapter again, it's very helpful. Avoid "more of the same" behavior, you will never have a chance of reconciling if you can't break away from that and establish 180's on your bad behavior.
I just have a couple things to add: