We all have patterns that we may not necessarily like in ourselves and wish to discard as we move along on the path of personal growth.
The confirmation of a PA can be quite a shattering experience for it is an awful betrayal. I have been there and do understand the 'solar plexus blow' feeling all too well. After you get over the initial shock and all of its associated emotions, it is always good to take a step back and take stock of your feelings & thoughts.
Sit on what I call the "discomfort sofa" and talk to yourself to discover the root cause of your reactions. Dig in and do some real hard examination of your emotions to find out how and why they occur. We are 100% percent responsible for our reactions and how we handle them. I'd be the first to say that I didn't do a good job by calling you "chickenshit" and examined why I did that...it was my own frustration with a brilliant DBer who almost had it.
A lot of the times it is pride being dented badly which is why I think you are reacting strongly at the confirmation of your W's PA admission. Especially with men. It does not matter the age of the OM or his appearance. OM is just a symptom of the overall breakdown in the marriage. You and W both contributed to the breakdown.
The next steps are to assess what YOU can do to repair the damage from your own part of the marriage's breakdown. You do have a lot of influence in the marriage's recovery. This is why MWD wrote her wonderful book, Divorce Remedy, based on her firsthand experiences in treating couples with no hope for their marriages and coming up with effective strategies for the LBS.
The most important FIRST step is to get a grip on your wayward emotions and hair-trigger reactions. And implement those DB strategies with a cool head!
