Just 15 minutes ago, W finally admitted to a PA, which I sort of already knew. She said it only happened twice, and she hated herself afterwards.
Like gabbysmom said, your W (like all affair partners) is just going to leak things out to you a little at a time so it's very likely twice means 20 times and the only reason she "hated herself" was because she's been caught. It's funny how affair spouses think, they actually think that it somehow lessens the blow if the quantity of times was fewer, and/ or if they feign some kind of remorse over it.
Originally Posted By: JonF
@Wonka - when she chooses to spread her legs, sorry, a PA is my deal breaker.
It is for some people, and if that's the case with you, well that's your choice. Personally I take a different view towards that. When it comes down to it, all WAS's are engaged in some kind of affair- physical, emotional, imaginary. The physical affairs are the ones that seem to resolve the fastest, I think because the WAS has to deal with the reality that the affair partner is NOT perfect after all, whereas in an EA or IA they can imagine the partner is whatever they want.
ANY affair is a breach of the marriage agreement. I don't see why a PA would be unforgivable if an EA or IA is forgivable. I mean granted, I understand it's the thought of someone else pawing over the person you love, but the vast majority of people have had multiple partners before their marriage anyway, so if it wasn't a deal killer during dating/ marriage, why would it be a deal killer going into what is in essence a remarriage?
Cadet said once that most people's marriages end at BD, they just don't know it yet. I agree with him. The legal papers may still be in place, but when the WAS drops the bomb they terminate the M. Our goal from that point on is not to revive the old M, it is to try to attract our spouse back into a new R and M. The WAS has to go through a journey before they want that new M though, and often that journey involves sex with other parties. It's not pleasant to think about, but it happens a lot, and many of those people reconcile into improved marriages with a stronger bond than they've ever had before.
Your W is confused, she's not herself. She's in turmoil. She's acting on emotions rather than reason and logic. She's doing things she will likely regret later, and I'm not just talking about the A. It's your choice whether or not to hold those things against her or not.
If you take anything away from this post I hope it's that I want you to think long and hard about this before deciding against the M. I'm not talking about a few hours or days, but weeks of thought. I've been through a long journey and there were times that I was ready to file for D myself, but after weeks of soul-searching I discovered that those thoughts were driven by feelings and were temporary even though at the time I WOULD HAVE SWORN TO YOU I WAS THINKING RATIONALLY. I am sensing from your posts that you are in that same place that I was- acting on feelings while convincing yourself you're being logical and rational. Don't act on feelings! Really think about this and give yourself time to determine what you want. And totally detach from your W, because at this point you need time and space as much as she does.
