Completely, thanks for input. All of what you said was true except I really would pray for them.
I woke up at 4:30 praying, and don't plan to stop, and I already know things are different because I would've been calling her up about what a whore she was, and right now, I just feel sad that she got so lost. None of this will impact my desire to continue to change and better myself, even if I never see W again.
@Jon, good keep praying. There will be moments of high's and low's just when you get there contniue to pray. Ask God for his plans to be manifested in your life. Trust me you CAN do this! Fall off the grid for ahile refocus and comeback stronger. Fear not!!
Jon I'm so sorry to hear about the latest development. I think its actually great that she came clean about it. It seems to me that most of them just lie about it over and over.
Me: 31 H: 32 Married 10 years, together 11 No kids H moved out to an apt 8-3-13
Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn. ~C.S. Lewis
Jon, I've thought about my comments after going to sleep. Calling you "chickenshit" was completely inappropriate and out of line. I apologize for that comment and it won't happen again.
I still stand by the main thrust of my post. It was incredibly frustrating to see you fumble the football at the 1-yard line in the red zone. I think my frustration spilled out at that moment and uncharacteristically engaged in name-calling. A no-brainer here for sure!
Just 15 minutes ago, W finally admitted to a PA, which I sort of already knew. She said it only happened twice, and she hated herself afterwards.
Like gabbysmom said, your W (like all affair partners) is just going to leak things out to you a little at a time so it's very likely twice means 20 times and the only reason she "hated herself" was because she's been caught. It's funny how affair spouses think, they actually think that it somehow lessens the blow if the quantity of times was fewer, and/ or if they feign some kind of remorse over it.
Originally Posted By: JonF
@Wonka - when she chooses to spread her legs, sorry, a PA is my deal breaker.
It is for some people, and if that's the case with you, well that's your choice. Personally I take a different view towards that. When it comes down to it, all WAS's are engaged in some kind of affair- physical, emotional, imaginary. The physical affairs are the ones that seem to resolve the fastest, I think because the WAS has to deal with the reality that the affair partner is NOT perfect after all, whereas in an EA or IA they can imagine the partner is whatever they want.
ANY affair is a breach of the marriage agreement. I don't see why a PA would be unforgivable if an EA or IA is forgivable. I mean granted, I understand it's the thought of someone else pawing over the person you love, but the vast majority of people have had multiple partners before their marriage anyway, so if it wasn't a deal killer during dating/ marriage, why would it be a deal killer going into what is in essence a remarriage?
Cadet said once that most people's marriages end at BD, they just don't know it yet. I agree with him. The legal papers may still be in place, but when the WAS drops the bomb they terminate the M. Our goal from that point on is not to revive the old M, it is to try to attract our spouse back into a new R and M. The WAS has to go through a journey before they want that new M though, and often that journey involves sex with other parties. It's not pleasant to think about, but it happens a lot, and many of those people reconcile into improved marriages with a stronger bond than they've ever had before.
Your W is confused, she's not herself. She's in turmoil. She's acting on emotions rather than reason and logic. She's doing things she will likely regret later, and I'm not just talking about the A. It's your choice whether or not to hold those things against her or not.
If you take anything away from this post I hope it's that I want you to think long and hard about this before deciding against the M. I'm not talking about a few hours or days, but weeks of thought. I've been through a long journey and there were times that I was ready to file for D myself, but after weeks of soul-searching I discovered that those thoughts were driven by feelings and were temporary even though at the time I WOULD HAVE SWORN TO YOU I WAS THINKING RATIONALLY. I am sensing from your posts that you are in that same place that I was- acting on feelings while convincing yourself you're being logical and rational. Don't act on feelings! Really think about this and give yourself time to determine what you want. And totally detach from your W, because at this point you need time and space as much as she does.
@Wonka - when she chooses to spread her legs, sorry, a PA is my deal breaker. I wish her ALL the best, sincerely.
This doesn't fit my idea of unconditional love. I understand you are hurt by her actions and words. If so then say that.
But to come here and expound about how you're praying for her and holding unconditional love and then say that sentence which is pure judgment and meant to be disparaging is a very different idea of unconditional love than I have.
I wish you luck and I hope that someday you get to whatever it is that's holding you back.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with Wonka. You are punting on third down from the 1 yard line and taking the easy route out.
Just 72 hours ago you were really into your wife, taking over food, etc etc and just like that you are done? It makes no sense.
But if that's the admission you need to just walk away then go for it.
I can tell you that a PA doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I thought it would be for me and I was wrong. We are back together now and have a marriage that's infinitely better than what we ever had before. I am glad we toughed it out, it was worth it.
I'm not going to make excuses for her, but I am certain that if you take a deep look at your relationship over the years, there was probably a lot of reasons she ran to another man's arms temporarily. Was it a sin? Sure. Is she a horrible person that's just dying for a chance to cheat whenever someone flirts with her? I seriously doubt it.
Do you love her Jon? Or did you just want to win this battle? If it's the latter, then congrats, you "won".
Once you honestly open your eyes and reconstruct your relationship I bet you'll see you both were doing things wrong and you'd be able to follow a bread crumb trail right to the eventual encounter.
And to be blunt, I can clearly see from here why she left. You seem to react quickly and irrationally, you blame her for things, you get upset when things don't go your way, you change your mind constantly, and the moment there's adversity you walk away. She never knows what Jon is going to show up.
I can see it now, when she tried to tell you in the past about her feelings or if there was a conflict, I bet a cup of coffee you frequently left the room. Am I right?
You came here before, and you were here again looking for advice from the vets, but you never once did anything that anyone suggested. And then when the going got more tough, you claim you are suddenly done? Wow!
You know what, you should go ahead and sign the dissolution today then, get out of jail free Jon. I'd hurry before she changes HER mind.
And if I'm not banned, I guess I'll see you here in 2-3 years when you have problems with your next W.
Good luck.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Let's all calm down here. Now is not the time to heap harsh 2 x 4's on Jon. He fumbled and now we need to regroup in the huddle to devise an awesome play to get Jon into the touchdown zone!
