I get where you are coming from, so many times I held myself, like you have. You know, the few times I have let it out with big nuclear tipped truth darts, things moved....took a while, but they did.
So, as others have said, get back to being the wonderful you, head high. Reserve your truth darts for "H only" going forward, don't give that POS homewrecker any more of your energy (though it IS so tempting, on occasion I might be known to fantasize about so good old fashioned retribution on some scumbag OM's...but that doesn't serve me, so I let it go). I have also found that calm, rational small truth datrs can be effective, if only to keep my own pot from boiling over
And in some/most/all(?) sitches, truth darts are necessary from time to time. It's okay, imo.
Hang in there!!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am amazed with all the cr*ppola you put up with from your h - MLC is not actually an excuse for, but an explanation of bad behaviour!
It was entirely appropriate for you to lose your rag, and if your h can't see that, it is high time he moved out and learned to stand on his own two feet.
If necessary help him find an apartment, or rat infested cellar or cold garage - whatever he can afford (not what you can afford - this is his party) , be nice to him about it. It is high time that man faced the consequences of his actions and treated you with respect. I have come to learn that if you allow people to walk all over you, some of them will, and even dance.
Remember the song from Chicago 'He had it coming'? Well she had it coming, and a lot more.
Job is right, she is artful conniving and unscrupulous. As far as I am concerned an apology would be wasted on her. And I do not think in any case, any apology is due. If you did apologise she would likely think it was insincere OR your husband had insisted.
Your husband is cake eating, big time. All the comforts of home, the friendship and kindness of a woman who works hard and earns good money, and takes care of a sick husband, and he repays this by cheating on her openly and with complete dis-resepct for her feelings. If you saw any of your friends spouses doing this I think you would be appalled. I am not siding with your 'friends' at work and saying kick him out, but that it is time he either treated you with respect, or moved out. You can remain 'friends' and keep the door open. It will not push him into RTAG's arms, When people can have what they think they want, they often discover they do not want it nearly as much as they thought.
Well I am flabbergasted by the outpouring of support. The people on this forum are really very special. Thank you all for your friendship.
Well Heather, RT wasn't actually in my house, she lives in Moscow. My H was talking to her on skype. But the three of us all heard and saw each other on the skype video on the computer screen. I swear I saw red when H said "hold on a minute honey" to her. I'm so glad she was NOT there in person, I felt so angry that I seriously would have hurt her. So yup Wonka, I guess you could say I blew a gasket. And you and Ellie are right, it DID feel good to get all that pent up anger out. Heather I'm liking your idea of a LBS vigilante group, sort of a first wives club. We could do some of Angela's interventions
Thanks FY, I did really really want to write an email to RT. I really wanted her to know I not only was not lying, but I didn't tell her a quarter of what H had said about her. I wanted to write it because he kept yelling that he had not said the things I told her that he said, and I know afterwards he probably told her I'm hysterical and lying. Nero I like your description - blubbering and covering up.
But I think the wiser course might be to follow wonka, Job and uR's advice not to. But if I ever DO email her, I'll be sure to let her know I've applied for a pistol permit All Alone I bet your email WAS caustic. I've written a couple of unsent doozies myself over the years.
I didn't want to apologize to H either, but did end up telling him I'm sorry for some stupid reason. He had been acting strangely pleasant and friendly all evening, and showed me a photo of a car he is interested in buying but said the final decision is mine as I earn all the money. I felt badly and said "sorry about that" and he said "don't apologize, what you said was true." i guess he meant about him not working and not being able to get a green card for RT. but I hope he meant about everything. He is MLC confused but how could he forget that horrible R conversation he initiated less than 2 weeks ago.
He made a remark later in the evening and called himself a liar. He said that Pres Obama lied to over 200 million people, but he only lies to one person at a time. He is SO strange sometimes.
Thanks Patient Man, that was not a real good example of being detached, was it ? It's not nice to use a gal's own words against her.
Thank you also, Bright. and CP but I'm not sure H will see my hissy fit as strength, I hope he does. Here is my 180 - I am going to follow Bea's advice and demand to be treated with respect from now on. Starting with him removing some salt and pepper shakers she gave him from the dining room and not wearing those booties RT knit him around the house. I hate them so much. They are a symbol of her devotion and seeing him wear them makes me want to puke.
uR you made me laugh and laugh. Can you just see me strutting around saying "yeah watch out, back off, here comes Rosa"??? But I will adopt a new mindset. I have always thought respect must be earned, not demanded. But I am going to start showing H that I will not let him treat me with disrespect. I think that is different. Those puke green booties will be my first attempt. Dawn has been trying to teach her H to treat her with respect. I will too. I'm not sure if you would consider this small action a "truth dart" T2, but it is a huge step for me. I've never been good with confronation.
Rose I'm pretty sure RT did not believe me judging by the way she laughed and smirked each time I said anything. She is simply vile. I cannot believe my H is infatuated with such a bitch. Although he did tell me how horrible she is, aggressive, coarse, can never admit she's wrong about anything or does not know something. God it hurts to think my H, the father of my children, is ready to throw me over for such an evil creature. Gnat. But at least I have the satisfaction of knowing she will make him miserable.
H is not up yet. I put RT's salt shakers by the pot he heats his fermented oatmeal in and am girding my loins for more confrontation.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
"kill onions " - don't even remember movie - but some thug named onions was getting urged to kill someome - what else huh?? anyway- it stuck in my life.
i'm thinking about your confrontation & campaign to demand a little respect. i'm wondering about myself being a total doormat - if it applies. i think as long as h sees ow - i am somehow by association i guess.
i mean, if i'm still in his life- somehow i'm "allowing" him to wipe his feet on me. tangled up a bit as usual.
Linda- you are sounding good about this- it IS good sometimes to let it out. the pent up frustration and anger. it's always stinky to be engaged in the "fight" (i hate confrontation too) - but i do notice good or bad- it feels better to have had some kidn of meaningful contact wherein YOU get to say your "peice" too. not just them dishing out whatever - and we repsond.
idk- it's sure a mess of a life isn't it- the mlc thing???
your thread is a killer- soooo loaded with watchers and commenters. could it be that you are the (hidden) VOICE of us all??? you just have the courage to say it all out loud- the devotion, etc??? the rest of us tuck it down- deny it- hide it- work hard on talking ourselves out of it? (not sure- just a casual thought here on the surface of the pond)
anyway- woo hoo- what a tempest. rt smirking- i'm sayin? what ELSE could she do??? she doesn't have any real ammo- doesn't know anhything but what he tells her- she's just "toughing it out - acting like she's allllllll in control and above it" because she HAS TO. it's all she's got - probably is too inarticulate to speak on her feet- and wham it back.
idk- tooooooo icky and funny this morning. i'd have loved to be a fly on the wall and see you go bizerk- yay...
there have been a few times in my life i wished i handled with LESS discretion and care. i mean - i am discreet because i'm living up to my own "standards" i guess. the problem is that i was dealing with people with no scruples or shame AT ALL. WHY THE HECK they deserved the sort of treatment I approve of - idk. i just do it- am sorry sometimes because some people really really do deserve to get back what they're dishing out.
know what i mean? like fighting a machete bearing mad man with my little feather duster. that sort of thing.
gotta contemplate how the heck i can become more "down & dirty". THO - MIND YOU... that dopey sister of mine teling me people don't "get it" unless you "make them bleed" - really really turned me off. now my feelings about her are quite different because i feel she unleashed that on me.
undeserved - so i guess that's the DOWNSIDE of really geting brutal-
you were merely responding tho to a nasty - unfair situation.
oh well- can hardly wait to see wht your day contains - you've got the sitch going on there - for sure.
Thank you also, Bright. and CP but I'm not sure H will see my hissy fit as strength, I hope he does. Here is my 180 - I am going to follow Bea's advice and demand to be treated with respect from now on. Starting with him removing some salt and pepper shakers she gave him from the dining room and not wearing those booties RT knit him around the house.
I think you can see it as a turning point, starting with your refusing to be disrespected around the home. Good for you!
Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
uR you made me laugh and laugh. Can you just see me strutting around saying "yeah watch out, back off, here comes Rosa"??? But I will adopt a new mindset. I have always thought respect must be earned, not demanded. But I am going to start showing H that I will not let him treat me with disrespect. I think that is different. Those puke green booties will be my first attempt.
You are off to a good start here with the new, more confident mindset, perhaps "Rosa-Fierce" alter-ego! hehe. Just joking, but in all honesty you can start putting your foot down on the things around the home that are bothering you that you don't have to tolerate any longer. Sometimes in order to be respected you need to stand up for what you believe in. And it is ok to do so.
I think you are underestimating the effect your rant had on your H. You stated he was acting unusually nice around the house.. I am guessing it has to do with him feeling guilt over how the conversation went. In my previous experience, after a fight with my H, usually he would act really nice afterwards if he felt bad about it. Something to think about anyhow.
Hope you are doing ok, dear RL. Good luck with the salt shakers scenario.. stand your ground
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
