I saw what you wrote on Bea's thread about not finishing stuff. It rang true for me. I used to be the same way. And if I am honest, sometimes I still am.
It was one of the things I worked on as it bothered me some.
I think, for me, part of it was that I was worried it wouldnt turn out "perfect". Part a fear of failure or a fear of success.
Who knows?
I just know I didnt like it so I went about changing it. And I often force myself to sit down and get 'er done. I am always happy when I do.
I am organized, as I told you, so I make a lot of lists. And it does feel good to cross those things off of it. It seems like the list never ends but that's a whole other story. LOL!
Nero, it seems to me like you are doing your best to move forward. I am so happy you are.
But I also feel like you are kinda stuck. It happens.
I think that you can shift it a little so that it's not a bad thing.
You imagine all these things he is doing with ow. You imagine how he feels, how she is taking your place. And you dont really know for sure any of that, right?
So, it is good to try to stop yourself from going there. I can tell you with my own sitch that a lot of what I thought was not at all what was happening.
And it says a lot that he comes to see you and spends time with you. As you've said, he doesnt have to.
I think he is very confused. I think he doesnt know what to do about it. So he is just going about things hoping to figure it all out.
I feel he needs you in his life. It is not lost on him how important you are in it. He just cant see that now.
I'd like to see you try to think outside your comfort zone a bit. Try some new stuff. Meet some new people. Fill your life more.
It wont be the same as having him in it, I know. But it will help you to not have so much time to think about it all.
Oh Nero, you are stronger than you think, smarter than you realize, more loved than you believe! Your positive outlook is so endearing to me. I guess the two of us suffer from terminal Pollyannism. It makes me sad that Bea sees it as a negative trait, but, like you, I can't help it. I can just picture myself using up my last breath to gasp "I'm sure H will get over EA # 956 any time now, and then he'll love me again, I'll just continue to stand another month or two"
It troubles me greatly that, knowing this optimistic outlook of yours, you say you don't look forward to the holidays or even acknowledge them. Is this the woman who already had black cats, pumpkins and spiders tucked into every nook and cranny last month? It sounds like you're in a serious funk.
I hope that being able to rest assured that your mom is well cared for without being on 24 hour call will help you. Let someone else worry about her dentures. Working at the school will help too. And putting that stoopid fat cow OW right out of your mind.
I agree with uRw, you don't actually know whether anything you imagine going on between H and the cow is true or not. My H told me that I think about his tramp OW a lot more than he does. And that a lot (most?) of the things he says to her are not true. Just like a lot of what uR thought was going on was not at all what was happening.
Being attached to your H your entire adult life is a good thing Nero, and there's no reason to envision life without him now. Don't even go there!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Nero - NLT posted some good advice about tiling and plumbing on my thread. Plumbing depends a lot on whether you have metal (copper or iron) or plastic plumbing connecting to metal taps. Metal plumbing is specialized, and I would not personally attempt to do more than connect by screw fittings - and plumbers hemp, (if you can get it) is better than plastic tape for metal fittings btw, as it expands slightly on contact with water UNLESS it is drinking water. {lastic is OK though - you know, that thin stuff.
But pushing a piece of metal piping back into the wall and securing it appropriately isn't difficult, and may be all that is required.
The r that your SO has with OW isn't what you think it is. It took me a long time to get beyond that thought.
hi everybody and thanks for the notes. i have been in kind of ratty mood because of inadvertent comment h made when i asked if he had "other" holiday plans or if he was spending them with me and he said "i don't know". $hithead... i feel like something has changed here. don't know if it's him or me- just something different in the air. can't pinpoint it. probably imagination- as usual- i expect him to send an e-mail saying it's over man- adios...
linda- you made me laugh- im glad i wont be the only ancient old lady gasping her last breath and saying - please put on my headstone - "next year for sure".
i say it all the time in jest- about the garden (and all my personality improvements, cleaner house, you name it - (it's alwaaaays a jumble) (i do love jumblie gardens- but those darn bags of mulch for the paths have been sittng ther for about three years now- i know, don't even say it-
who knows, maybe this fall for sure!!!
worked today - insane special ed middle school- mostly okay- one little total "screamer" what a freak show but entertaining as heck. as usual.
i did laugh pretty much- always a good thing.
saw lots of little faces i recognized who smiled back- it was nice-
so- just got home from school - not a word from h since fri (he called twice - all chatty & pleasant- dead giveaway that he's allll happy and his tail is waggin because you know what- trip to ow. yes, i am sure. HOWEVER - SO NOT A WORD for sat or sun- me was totally busy every minute with races and flea markets and homework & wendy's with neice and visits to mom (needed some criticism please) visit with old friend- you name it.
ANYWAY- SO NO WORD AT ALL (in my life- it's a rarity for us not to speak every day- ) so come home just now to three e-mails
one a picture saying a word or two- leading to next e-mail with another picture of a giant lizard he found in yard- and then third saying after two days of not hearing my voice - he misses me.
wtf??? what in the stinking world do i have to say to him? it made me wanna blubber - then immediatley NOT -
i didn't reply because honestly- i just want to say "suck it up- your choice> and leave it there. rude and ratty. THEN I DON'T - of course,...
i know im supposed to be charming- i am not in the least charming today. this is no game or joke to me- i know, i'm & you're all thnking about alllll the things we allll know about what mental midgets these guys are mlc and so on.
i knwo, i know. i'm just sayin- i cannot think of one thing in the universe to say in response to him or to want to pick up that phone and speak to him. i have nothing at this minute.
going outside to walk it off and not think about it.
will welcome any suggestions- i don't want to say "me too" and i don't want to say - blow it out your ear buddy.
i can't talk. (well, to him) anyway. you guys- different matter.
thanks guys for being out there. and thanks bea for plumbing input- maybe i'll pick those stupid tiles off and have a look - after all, whtat can happen that would be so bad??? gonna take my birthday away if i mess something up?
i just don't care today.
glad i worked- gotta go look at my mother now before i am "in" for nite- walk and don't want to budge out.
so- here is what i want to say (my brain is thinking) that i will not say to h today.
idk if i will chat with him today- i've got nothing to "share" with this person today...
so he has the audacity to write and say when he doesn't hear my voice he misses me.
well, no f'ing kidding man.
i am folding his stupid shirts and finding myself inspecting my heart (trying to) for signs that i either want this man and to hear his voice- or not.
i still can't imagine life without him in it- but i equally cannot imagine accepting that my stupid r with him now- no "love" no sex - his affection diverted to ow- whatever it is she is to him- even a stupid cow who "needed saving" (which clearly she is/was) - idk and idc.
that is whatever it is- what is he to me?
he's dealt out a truckload of misery over the past bunch of years- without even the courtesy of telling me what the heck was going on with him. he specifically lied when asked- i could have been very nice i think, understanding i think, (i was trying to understand and give him room with a veng3ence FOR A long long time. i don't even figure out how long he's been icky- becasue it hurts to realize how very long it's been his mission to alienate me and be cold.
wee3eeelllllll - he's certainly achieved SOMETING BIG. idk- maybe if i ever had anything at all to do with any of it- aside from some jerk in the same space to BLAME BLAME BLAME- IF HE'D ever have stopped to think about another human being who loved him getting the continual coolness & $hit he was handing out. the snapping and criticizing and handing me my head for what? wrong word at wrong time. no kidding - my stinking choice of words.
it's been sooooolong and the damage seems (see, hopeful still? SEEMS rather than IS)???) SOOOOOOooooooo much.
this morning - realizing i don't even want to hear his voice. i don't want to think and talk- not to him. not at all really-
roadblock totally. it's not even a ploy or something cool like that- goin dark for effect.
it's me - crossroads or someting.
usually- i know i always feel better to hear his voice. i hate to admit it (always) i feel it tho.
anyway- i can't bring myself to call, respond to the e-mail and last nite couldn't pick up the phone the couple times he called.
hothing in the world to say-
like what would there be to say? i miss him too ((and then what? he feels like - "oh good - stupid old jerk is still on the hook" - woo hoo - swell ole me???)
or what else? i snap and say something ratty becasue it's been sooo long and i'm sooo tired and feel sooo bad & hate the destruction he's wrought- to me, feelings, - mind, ego-life?)
anyone can see it is no time to talk to this guy.
AND THEN- TO TOP IT OFF - HERE's stupid ole mush-ball dopey me sitting here wondering if it's being "mean spirited" to not make contact when he's thrown out somet hing nice (for a stinking change).
oh man....
he's a wacko - and the worst thing about it all is seeing myself in response to it all. if i've been a bit too - "over thinkie" - now i'm almost immobilized over this very very tiny stupid thing.
believe me- i do not have one expectation in the universe from nice words from him. well- merely of the reverse kind. that he "checks" to mak3e sure i've still got that hook thru my lip and am flapping around without enough air OR water - like some poor fish that is on it's way out- still fighting"
that is about all. sorry for this rash of negativity here- it's what i'm thinking.
i need to stop thinking - tried by visiting gal next door with her mom in wheelchair (stroke- immobilize, etc.) a good long therapy visit with her-
but it still blipped back into head here - so sorry, dumping it here for want of ability to make it disappear.
perhaps some faithful hand will brush away the crappola and find someting worthwhile - worth thinking-
I'M NOT in the pits of despair or anythng- nobody has to worry- im just flooded with this uncharacteristic (ha) negativity about this guy-
ya gotta wonder- the heart/mind/gut is/are allll such independent guys- all at war - all having a very good point- allllllllll trying to squirm beyond my control - like kids, they gotta just push the envelope- gotta have their "own way"-
tra la huh???okay- lots to do and even interested in doing some of it- just wanted to blast that junk out of my head, maybe get a bit more "even". you'd think bad things would make me this screwed up- not something (potentially????) good?
Hey my friend. I always say you feel what you feel. And no feeling is wrong. It's all in what you do with them, right?
If you dont feel like talking to him, then dont. That is your right. As long as it is not as a ploy or to punish, it's a decision you've made for you at this time. And you're right, if you are not comfortable with what you might say, best not to say anything for now.
I am thinking he is feeling a small shift in you and he isnt liking it much. Too bad for him. You do what is best for you. You matter, too, my friend.
And sometimes it is ok to do something different.
Never apologize here, or to yourself for your thoughts and feelings. You are entitled to feel negative, so long as you dont live there, right?
so get this... i was not inclined to talk to him - just nothing for him at all.
it was making me squirmie - in mail i got a flyer for harbor freignt (tool place) and saw something for his birthday next week. i think the older we all get - the more important it seems to participate in birthdays and holidays. keep that younger outlook? stay in the human race? idk-? so heading out back door-
phone rings - i grabe it- it's him.... da da dummmmmmmmm
he begins saying - " hi, i have alot of things bubbling arund in my head - allover the place - confusing - up and down - and i want to say that i find myself thinking that the voice i most want to hear on the phone is yours. i miss you when we don't talk for a few days. I KNOW i have no right to say this to you- and i know how you feel so you don't need to say a thing or respond - i just want to put it out there- how i feel." "i'm putting myself out there sharing my fewelings:"
then he added (because we'd wrangled around about this concept before) "for the record, if you died there would be a big hole in my life that i couldn't fill in"...
wtf???? whattya think in the world about that??? so then we got going down work of chatting abgout work and other stuff- and it was okay...
i just do not know what i think about it and what to say - i didn't even really say much in response. (what a surprise huh? i am feelin soooooo "tired" for real) i said " i appreciate that you're sharing wht you feel and that i'd say, if you feel something - say it. share it- me alone with my imagination (only) is a bad bad thing."
and left it there. wtf (again????
i feel really fyunny about this- it's sooooooooo darn unusual for him last fewyears to say anhthing about "anything" that i just do not know what i feel about it .
i don't feel allllll "grateful" . don't even want to allow self to feel anything positive at all about it- not a damn expectation .
makes me feel kind of mad-ish. like i'm supposed to do or think or feel somehing that i don't.
i wish they called me to work today- thik i'll go garden and chop and work it all off a bit.
i think hisow probably proposed to him or chucked him or something- i can't imagine why all of a sudden he's give a rats A$$ now -
something shoddy and pathetic- motivating him. i'm not thinkin all "true love" at all. he's sure left a bad impression of himself last fewyears.
i was pleasant and kind - that's about all i can say for myself. today i'm still kind of not in a talkin kind of mode.
he called in evening for a small chat- i feel funny about it all.
that's about it- as usual- any input welcome. this is a stumper . i'd have tought if i everheard someting nice from his mouth- i'd feel alllllll - well, something.
upon reflection - i'd say this business of h and his kind words yesterday- is nothing more than either:
1) blowup with ow and she ditched him or proposed (wah wah i'm scared)
or
2) he's taking her to europe or some wonderful trip- a bit of "honeymoon hotel" and feeling extreme disloyalty & guilt - (wah wah i'm scared)
\no more nor less. i have no milk of human kindness going on today or any sort of illusions - or more like - disillusions abut it and him.
tooooooooo out of character. toooooo - whatever...
let the record show- this woman is not fooled- i'm back to not talkin i think- or i'll just out with it-
i'm very sorry they didn't call me to work and take me away from all this- will go out to he mall searching for work-jeans so i'm away, not thinking & beyond reach...
besides - walking to work is good but need some boots to keep the toes warm & dry .
