a comment- when we got this nj house - it's smaller than fl house- i thought i'd blow my brain out listening to tv on alllllll day. jerry springer- judge judy- fine fine viewing.
after allllll these years - maybe almost 20 - honestly- (i hate to say it- admit it) now when i'm ALLLL ALONE- I MISS THE noise there and i miss his stupid butt plopped there watching all those dregs of the earth on tv.
well- i don't miss the shows- they are such total $hit- but i do miss the tv noise and who ever woulda thunk???
It goes to show you don't know someone else's life! I am rarely physically alone but do wish the tv sounds of my H would go away.
MY friend today who knows H very well thinks I'm being silly, remembering how much I wanted to M my H and be with him forever. To hear me say "I'm done"to hear makes her chuckle, I really wanna just get mad at her.
Maybe I need him to move out to see if I am really done.
I also realize this is not to be my goal, but one way things may go. My goal is me, and my future, where he ends up in that is not the objective.
They will do what they will Nero!
Let it all go...yea I still have that note you wrote!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
and "amen". im (as usual) working on my "total zen" outlook here. up day- down day- still walkin (ahead) - still "workin" on it... at the moment- i'm just keeping mum and not talking or calling h. he wrote the little e-mail saying he missed my voice after not chatting for a couple days (he was off seeing ow so didn't call me) so, my only response in head (still) is "well, your choice".
i'm trying to resist being ratty- i'm trying to resist being nice or grateful for the stinking bone- so i'm just not talkin. i mean - rite??? ijust don't have anything to say to him at this moment- can't talk.
how uncharacteristic is this of me ????- since i'm such a stinking blabber-mouth in life ....oh well-
just thinking about the garden- it was such an excellent afternoon yesterday- warmish & cool enough to enjoy the sun - i LOVE IT when it's cool and the sun's warmth feels good on you. it's SUCH A HUGE DIFFERENCE than fla where it just burns down day after day til you want to scream.
no kidding- when i'm enjoying the sun's warmth and remembering how nice THAT IS. IT'S sooooo SPECIAL - and different. like fog- ANYTHING that is "weather" other than sunshine still makes me stop and think it's soooooo neat & good to feel- anything not hot & sunny. i do love autumn & seasons.
i need to find some new winter boots if i'm gonna walk to school in winter. cold toes & all. it felt mighty nice tho- to begin day with a walk yesterday.
a heck of alot like being a kid walkin to school again- not at all a bad association and beginning to the workday..
anyway - almost done with ole rose of sharon- i've chopped the heck out of all of them - i keep them as small trees - no room for bushes - so i've wacked their heads off to about a foot or 6" from trunks - hope it's not too late in the year and i don't kill them. oh well- they're gonna have to do their best with it. i get ruthless when i actually prune- it may or may not be best time of year - oh well.
there's so much to do out there- it was such a beautiful afternoon-
i'm outta here- as usual- about a million things to do today. i'd hoped they'd call for school - i guess not- oh well - wah wah
have a wonderful day- you're sounding mighty good there- so yay for you.
i like your comment (out look) about what is your "goal". here. you're rite- it's not about them so much- as us - (tho unfortunately they have sooooo much to do with it (all) ) oh well huh?//
i sure am seeing self sometimes differently. well, same person & needs - just looking from a different angle. can't "make the call" bout it, (oooops - was I REALLY going to say "rite or wrong" -yes - i was). i don't even like thinking i'm that LOCKED IN TO judgements. i think i am alot tho- it is aa thing about me i'm noticing and tryin to step back from - in general with "the world" i'm sooo good at not jujdging- then ka bam- in my life, my brain must go rite to "good or bad" rite or wrong- yikes..... the darn things you get forced to acknowledge about self...
i know- one more thing to work on. h ACCUSES me of being too dramatic, too black & white & toooo over the top. this is in response to me saying if he doesn't LOVE me, then i'll probably end up having to get lost & maybe HATE him. i'm not sure- i'm thinking realistically speaking - i may exaggerate - but it's gonna end up being one or the other for me. i'm open minded - and i'm certainly still "here" (sort of) - but i don't think he can get his mind to accept that this is a good set up for him- HAVING IT ALL (HIS words) - but it's not for me. he was kind of surprised and unwilling to say out loud (but did) that "he can understand that his having sex with someone else is a HUGE prohblem for me in this r" - GEEEEE YA THINK????/
really , really, Can AN otherwise smart man REALLTY need me to tell him that- see that, etc. oh man.....
anyway- back to you - well, us. it IS ABOUT US NOW. i'm not so good at doing "me". soooo wierd (and not a little hypocritical) that this man that HATED his parents for their selfish, narcissistic BEING - (BOTH OF THEM) and whattya think- ta da..... there's him, all about him while dangling along old "other oriented - caregiving - me". it's laughable isn't it??? oh man- REAL LIFE can be such a joke ... on us all
human beings- what a bunch of deluded & blind nutballs. all of us- me too btw
okay- i'mj outta here. who knows what i may accomplish today??
There is no end for me, there is no reconsiliation, or apologies, or H letting go of ow in my future. My H has declared too many times that he and Ea will remain friends, and there is no REASON to change that, but he understands why I would think there is.
He is manogomous, tho he doesn't believen it anymore, he will be giving EA a small stipend to help her get by when he makes side money, and he will continue to be the person she can count on if he's able.
I'm sorry, but if that's doesn't scream time to make changes I don't know what does. I told him this is not against him but for me. We no longer live as man and wife.
I will first need to find out if it's better that I may be doing this before his retirement begins. I have a lot of questions, but I think I have been at this point for a while and talking doesn't hurt. I'll call it an education.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i am both sorry it has come to this and on your side and saying good idea too.
it's been soo long- it does seem an impossible sitch to just "sit in " and exist with.
i feel similar alot of the time- it is not "going away". ow is not "going away".
my h also- when he was here last- in that short talk we had- at some point said something like, "whatt do you expect - to say get rid ofher and i'll do it" - somethin along those lines- i don't think i responded because actually, i wanted to say yeah- f'ing do it already. mary her or get rid of her.
i kept muim-
you're doing what you have ;to to keep dawn sane and moving forward for you- so that's a good thing. you've got direction and purpose-
good luck- i'll be here
soooo - how f'ing wierd is it that big stuff seems to be popping up here with this junk for you and me and linda?
maybe autumn and fall and winter coming and holidays coming is making everyone feel wacky.
me- i'm thinking h and his nice words are nothing more than either his ow ditched him - or he's leaving this morning to take her to europe or on a wonderful trip (honeymoon hotel) and it s makng him guilty.
nothing more or less. i think i can't talk to him today again- idk dawn.
liknda dna her blowup- you and this big step- (well, me nothing soooo big. a few kind words and i'm feeling totally at a loss and wierd)
The talk with h about is from the last time we spoke. I haven't brought up D or my plans to him.
Maybe I'm fooling myself that's this is the way to no longer have to live with him, I have asked him to leave, or feel the tension around my home of his depression. But, the fact that he will continue to be giving this POS cash, to help her at times is too much for me.
We have no health insurance or any other benefits because he was fired from his 20yr old job because of his sh't with her. We live off of his freelance that will eventually not generate enough. So I'm looking for work....as he gives her $?
I raised my sons rent to help with the coming heating and grocery bills, and he wants to give her $!
He hates that my D19 works, she starts at 6am when not in school the other days of the week. But we can't afford to give her an allowance so she wants her pocket money, but we are giving EA an allowance.
I have no legal say because it's his work, but it's our family $.
There is no way for me to get past this. I know no other way.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i see and agree totally - what a stinking stupid sitch to be in- and what a mess your h's "addiction" to ole pos is...
i can't get over and can't fathom how these men can choose & love us for our independent and straightforward qualities- and then find themselves alllllll NEEEEEEDING SOME pos on the ground to NEEEEEED them and be clinging and clawing to their ankles as they fall into some stupid low-life abyss - . your h's pos HAS GOT to somehow convey that she neeeeeds him, despite what she says and does somehow , wouldn't you think???? i mean, she does call him, keep it alive - etc. even if she says no- she's participating in some significant way to keep it going.
you are kind of trapped at the moment - he knows you need a place to live and are in it- and they end up holding all those particular cards - supporting us. and we all do need somewhere to live & some $$ too. cripes
wtf exactly in the world is going on??? it's soooooo opposite what they were- what they wanted, etc.
t his is the kind of insanity that makes me re-read mwd nad think she's got something with the mlc-insanity thing.
it doesn't really give us any specific help tho, does it? just knowing this and embracing it- .
i guess they just must look in the mirror one day- see someone they don't like, not young enough? not succ3essful enough? life not "fun" enough life - etc. - wig out- look around and begin two things- blaming us because we're the person there and "saving" some "goin-down" sap that neeeeds them and LOOOOOOOOVES THEM and admires them - but mostly NEEEEEEEEEEDS THEM.
i still don't know one thing here. i wish i had some wisdom or up-beatedness to share. you're sounding good- you're sounding mad (maybe good also) , you're exploring options(also good) idk dawnie girl-
it seems to be the same old thing- one day at a time- play it by ear and respond to what happens "next" -
it's a hell of a way to live isn't it- always waiting for the other shoe to drop???
I hope your day is okay- i pray for a giant flash of light to blam your h on the head and AWAKEN HIM.
can he find a new job like the one he had- equally sufficient? or is that never an option again? is he even lookin?
I can't get past this. If I could only get past the EA friendship I could stand, that is the one thing that makes me run away.
Get rid of the POS or I will get rid of you, that's what I tell him!!!!!
How wrong is that!!!
Hi Nero,
I got nothing. Really, I am kinda just empty. Stern, unknowing, hard, still doing loving acts, and insistently wanting this out of my face.
I brought up D in the kitchen not caring who hears anymore, to my H. My s25 said what would that solve. I said, it would remove the knowledge of his acts from my face.
Son said, but he's not going to stop, I jumped in and said who cares at that point.
H said, did he know all this before you just opened up during breakfast, I said long ago honey, your just late to the party.
Why doesn't anyone agree that D will be, unless I move out, the only way to remove the "too much information" that I witness?
You sound strong and all knowing but you sound sick of this too. I get that the longevity of this is enough to make someone batty.
Please feel free to call me anytime.
Nero, we have all got to stick together, we are part of the glue that will make what we do stick, I have no stick right now, just at the moment, the next moment, who knows.
I just want my partner in life. Whoever that is meant to be!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Hi Dawn and wow. I don't think I could handle h giving ow money either. My h bought ow things but that was before I knew what was going on. I think with my kids knowing things now too it will be harder for him to do that. But, to flat out TELL you he needs to do this is where I would have a huge problem.
It amazes me how they don't realize that other people know, as in our kids, what is going on. I do think thought that your son doesn't want you to d because it does affect them tremendously. I wish our h's realized how much this whole situation affects our kids, no matter how old they are. In fact, they say it affects the older ones even more.
Good luck to you Dawn. However you want it to turn out. Maybe this is what he needs to realize things.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
sorry to hear in your voice having a bad day/hard time lately . it is awful- i'm pretty tired and "shot out" as well.
ya know tho- i get it about having him out of your face. i think about yo sayng that all the time- and i think if i split up totally- at least i wouldn't know anymore either. . that would definitely be a good thing. but then, you know me, the lonliness thing is scary- then i'd imagine them living together alllllll the time and it might be another kind of torture.
you made me think tho- and this is something i tell myself because i think it's true. there is no quick way to do this, find a cure, find who you're meant to be with, etc.
even if you got a d tonite- it does not follow that a new man, a new life, a new love, etc. will show up on your doorstep tomorrow. i have a bad bad feeling it all unfolds in it's own time- we are stinkin pawns and relatively powerless when it comes rite down to it. i mean in the sense of hurrying the universe -
OMG - IT IS SOOOOOOO GOLDEN outside my upstairs window. crape myrtle branches all in front of it with sun on them- they are all lit up and glowing gold with tinges of red- magical...
can you just tell yourself that you're getting on with your life, changing what you want to and keeping an eye open adn your ear to the ground for new life on the way??? i remind myself daily that there is no reason on earth why, if someone is meant to fall into your life, they ncedssarily will not if you remain married. if it's meant to be- i think it will be.
i met this guy rite after i was newly married to my ex h. by the time a year or two went by and i realized it had been a big mistake- i'd gotten very fond of new guy. it overlapped- it was accidental - who ever knows!!
i guess that doesn't really help you stop knowing. everyone tells me to quit imaginging things- but honestly i'm sure of alot of it. the details of "being together" may vary- but he's with her and not me. that is the big problem for me as well.
there is no way to dress it up- not here- there with her. ta da....
soooo i more than "get it". i just don't know tho if it will be much different to be allllllll alone and poor to boot - than allll alone and not so poor - and him still around the house - particularly if he's being rather pleasant lately and not reall y awful.
i get the "had it" bit. i honestly do-
once you said he had to choose - and he just continues to be there and you do too- that's the snaggle. it's probably what quite alot of people face. h knows i hate it- hate it hate it...
doesn't stop- doesn't explain, talk or do a darn thing other than do what he darn well pleases and sees her.
so where that leaves me- you, idk. perhaps this is the total hellishly long time and sitch mwd talks about. standing is the hardest thing i ever did- she says rite up front it will be. whatever you think is too long- double it - triple it.
oh wel- i'm just rambling around . i'm agreeing- i'm just not in possession of any real answers that saves us from this particular long and stinky torment.
i just keep trying to block it out of my head- keep busy - and say i can always leave tomorrow.
i always said i would never share - (that's my h with another woman) what a hollow lie that turned out to be. idk dawn- this is requiring more brain power lately than i have left rite now.
i'm going to take a page from linda's book and begin seriously teling myself i'm seein good things coming. wierdly- i always do kind of think inside myself that "something always turns up" and i've never been alone in life yet- so loosely i don't see my future as being hellish forever. i could be wrong- but hey- i could be rite too - 50-50 chance.
