so get this... i was not inclined to talk to him - just nothing for him at all.
it was making me squirmie - in mail i got a flyer for harbor freignt (tool place) and saw something for his birthday next week. i think the older we all get - the more important it seems to participate in birthdays and holidays. keep that younger outlook? stay in the human race? idk-? so heading out back door-
phone rings - i grabe it- it's him.... da da dummmmmmmmm
he begins saying - " hi, i have alot of things bubbling arund in my head - allover the place - confusing - up and down - and i want to say that i find myself thinking that the voice i most want to hear on the phone is yours. i miss you when we don't talk for a few days. I KNOW i have no right to say this to you- and i know how you feel so you don't need to say a thing or respond - i just want to put it out there- how i feel." "i'm putting myself out there sharing my fewelings:"
then he added (because we'd wrangled around about this concept before) "for the record, if you died there would be a big hole in my life that i couldn't fill in"...
wtf???? whattya think in the world about that??? so then we got going down work of chatting abgout work and other stuff- and it was okay...
i just do not know what i think about it and what to say - i didn't even really say much in response. (what a surprise huh? i am feelin soooooo "tired" for real) i said " i appreciate that you're sharing wht you feel and that i'd say, if you feel something - say it. share it- me alone with my imagination (only) is a bad bad thing."
and left it there. wtf (again????
i feel really fyunny about this- it's sooooooooo darn unusual for him last fewyears to say anhthing about "anything" that i just do not know what i feel about it .
i don't feel allllll "grateful" . don't even want to allow self to feel anything positive at all about it- not a damn expectation .
makes me feel kind of mad-ish. like i'm supposed to do or think or feel somehing that i don't.
i wish they called me to work today- thik i'll go garden and chop and work it all off a bit.
i think hisow probably proposed to him or chucked him or something- i can't imagine why all of a sudden he's give a rats A$$ now -
something shoddy and pathetic- motivating him. i'm not thinkin all "true love" at all. he's sure left a bad impression of himself last fewyears.
i was pleasant and kind - that's about all i can say for myself. today i'm still kind of not in a talkin kind of mode.
he called in evening for a small chat- i feel funny about it all.
that's about it- as usual- any input welcome. this is a stumper . i'd have tought if i everheard someting nice from his mouth- i'd feel alllllll - well, something.
