So lost and hurt #3

[MrBond]

Tell her that you don't care if she is mad/upset at you any more and that you had become a better person on your own. Tell her that she can't blame you or try to control you by asking you not to be upset because there is another man seeing her. And tell her that your boundary still stands - that you will not share your W with another man.

[indigo1]

She claims it's just a emotional thing. Trust me I'm not happy about this crap, but I still love her. Would doing that hurt, help or be indifferent to my chances?

[MrBond]

The fact that she told you it's an emotional thing with him is a red flag. While you can't control her or the other guy (and you know what the guy's intentions are) you don't have to get pulled into the drama.

[indigo1]

Thanks for your input. I wish I never knew about this. Gonna make things harder from here on out for sure. I know she is gonna call me tomorrow, not sure how to handle it

[ancient warrior]

I don't really know how to say this but as you know I'm a pretty sensitive person and thinking you're upset with me is killing me.

Honesty? or just telling you what she thinks you want to hear?

I'm trying to work through a lot in my head and I'm really confused.

This may be true, but you can't fix it. And she is going to need help to work through this. She needs some IC to get through this not the crutch of OM. He has his own issues to deal with and shouldn't interfere in yours.

I can't make any promises or tell you what's going to happen. I don't want you to be mad/upset with me.

She can't control you and how you feel. She surely doesn't seem to understand or care much about how you feel over this. Only how it effects her.

I'm doing what I have to do to figure out what I want. I'm not angry at you any longer but everything is still there, all the hurt, all the bad treatment. It's hard to let go and I'll never be able to forget it. I just need you to know that I appreciate your efforts and I am trying.

By no means am I an expert, but step back as best you can. Look at this as if you're objective. She has said somethings that your bias wants to take as encouragement. I am not saying don't be positive, but you've only been at this a short while and as most on this board understand this is marathon not a sprint. Be consistent with your boundaries. If you are not willing to die on the hill over a boundary, don't set one.

Reading into her words could easily get your hopes us. It's actions over time that will tell the tale.

Wishing you the best.

[indigo1]

Thanks for the break down on her text. I know she still loves me but is afraid it will go back to the way it was. She said that the OM gave her the attention she needed when she was mad at me. I also told how I'm kinda handicapped in my efforts to show change in the emotional stuff ( hugs, holding hands...) because of the situation we are in. I let her know it's not like I don't want to do that now I'm just respecting her and letting her initiate that kinda thing at this time. W said she can tell I want to and does not think I'm not doing it because I don't want to.

Well just getting out some early morning thoughts. Sure I'll be back on here later.

[JFun51]

So sorry to hear about this indigo. I am really hurting for you right now. In my sitch, W has held onto the fact that her A is just emotional, never physical. In my world, that's worse. Emotional connection is more devastating than a one night stand. I hope your W is being fully truthful with you. It's pretty sorry that she has OM around D "every night." Keep your boundary set and be ready to "die on that hill."

Be strong and know that everyone here is listening.

[indigo1]

Thanks. She claims that OM is hardly ever around now and that D is just confused. She did admit it is a friend of her best friend and that he was around alot when she was still mad at me. Not necessarily at my house just the two of them, but W, her best friend, her boy friend, and OM. It is what it is and I may never know the whole truth. It hurt really bad finding out the way I did, but I'm over it today. I'm not gonna drag myself down thinking about something I cant control and may never have all the answers to. I guess if anything I should take some positive out of how upset W was at the fact she thought I was mad at her.

[JFun51]

Please don't let it consume you. I made the mistake of letting OM thoughts consume me and cloud my actions for quite a while. I wanted to know everything. It will all come out in due time, but you cannot control it at this point. You must just put it aside and set your boundaries that you are willing to stick to.

I know how hard it is to not think about it, but you have to realize that it isn't about you. She would be doing this anyway. Wisdom that I have gained from other veterans here. She is hurting and lost. OM is a crutch as someone else mentioned. Its her way of trying to cope with all the crap that's going on in her head. Confusion, anger, etc.

OM is not the man that you are and she doesn't really want him. My W has told me numerous times that she doesn't want another man and that there is nothing that OM gives her that I cannot. Yet she continues to have regular contact with him. Its a crutch. A coping mechanism. I believe that even when they realize they don't need OM, they fell like they cannot let go because they would have to really deal with what is going on. Once they release OM from the picture and go cold turkey, they will have to own up to their actions and move on.

It's always easier for them to continue to act childish and selfish than it is to put on big boy/big girl pants and be an adult.

Hope you have a better day today! Take care of yourself! Don't let her reckless actions destroy you.

[indigo1]

Thanks again. I know OM is really just a crutch at this point, but that still does not make it any better. I'm doing pretty well todsay so far, its just the slow times at work that my mind wanders. I'll be fine, nothing I can do about it.