DBing is difficult with a MLCer, because they are not rational. In fact MWD says so somewhere. I think we can ignore the OW and the affair for a while and until they start to flaunt it
Remember Holly and her husband actually did divorce and lived separately before reconciling. Your husband has to work through this and figure out what matters to him and what doesn't. You have a stronger hand than many posters here because your husband does actually care for you and is concerned for you, but not enough to end the affair and work on the marriage. Hang on to that thought, painful as it is.
I think (and this is very much my 2 cents) that maybe it is time for an honest conversation. Your husband is cake eating and it doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. I would try and find a space to sit down and tell him honestly how you feel
That is your script to write, but if you feel you do not want to go on being his buddy while h is living with another woman, that is not unreasonable. After all he has moved out, and you are living pretty much separate lives. I am not pro divorce, and would do much to avoid one, but I would not do anything to avoid divorce. So my advice is to think about your boundaries, how long this situation has been going on, and whether your husband is showing any real signs of working through his issues. It is his journey and yours, and maybe a little more clear separation would be a good thing.
We always worry about pushing them into the arms of the OW, but that reality often does not last long - I know whatever you do you will do with class and dignity. Please take care of yourself here.
