My Wife is an Alien and its killing me...

[Pudmuddle]

jfun, I have read that more sports watching can be an mlc'ers way of distraction from their brain and thinking a lot, sort of an emotional release of sorts. My H was always into motocross racing and nascar and since his mlc has been watching hours of soccer and boxing. I wondered where the soccer came from too, as in does OW like soccer?

Also, it seems like your W is doing everything she can to push your buttons. You are doing well with not reacting to that. I know it is extremely hard. I, too, keep reminding myself I do not like this person my H is now and that has helped me detach more. I believe in what he used to be and what he could potentially be, but not who he is now. Your W is trying to make you explode or react so that it will give her more justification for what she is doing. Think of it that way. Don't let her do that! You don't want to give her that justification, even though it's warped. You are a very strong person and I know you can do this. One thing at a time.

[3boymom]

Jfun - I just caught up on your sitch. You are doing an amazing job considering your wife's behavior. Your W is definitely trying to get a reaction out of you. Hopefully she will let up when she realizes that you are not going to respond. I think that it is a way of them testing to see if the changes you have made are real and/or an act to win them back. She does not want you to make the changes because you are taking away the things that she has used to justify her actions.

I give you credit for standing for your marriage while you are still in the same home with W. I have a hard enough time having to see H each day. Keep standing strong and focusing on you and your kids.

[Pudmuddle]

3bm is right. When I started ignoring my H's constant texting and told him to 'have fun' when he went out, it has kind of become a non-issue with him now. Because I didn't make a big deal out of it. I no longer see the texting or trying to hide it and even though he still goes out, it doesn't seem like when he returns that he is all jazzed up by his night out. They want you to THINK they are having fun, when in reality they are not. They are band-aiding their troubles.

[AJM]

Update for today: I went back to my bed last night with no incident. Strangely enough, W was watching the World Series on TV while she was holed up in her cave, aka the master bedroom. It has become her home for the past 4 months. If me or the boys want to spend any time with her while we are at home, we have to go in there.

The strange thing is, she was watching sports again be herself. She has always complained that me and S12 don't do anything but sports and it drives her crazy that it's all we watch. I can't help but wonder of OM is a Red Sox fan or something stupid like that. I'm sure its not her interest in whether the obstruction call that ended game 3 was the proper interpretation of the rule or not.(Haha)

The similarities are startling. Including her snooping your phone etc. I can tell you that a dear friend I met here, was somebody that I kept in contact with on my phone. Keep in mind my ex was doing almost the exact same things as you describe your W. Almost verbatim and exactly. I'm in the same state, so I'm starting to wonder if you know her... Anyway, she snooped my phone. I'm an IT guy working in the central part of the state. I know how to hide things if I wanted to. Seriously. And I had nothing to hide. But my ex saw that I was talking to a woman (very different than the previous 20 years we had together) and lost it. She blamed me for years accusing me of all kinds of things, including having an affair. I didn't realize she accused me of it for a while because she called me by my shortened name, which I use here. While I never had an affair, she convinced herself I did and in my opinion used that to justify more of her behavior. The truth is I caught her having an affair earlier in the year and I think she was looking for a way to let go of the guilt.

Watching TV by herself? Another possibility is that she is trying to not cheat. She is trying to figure things out. She wants to try new things and watching sports is part of that. She likely does not understand why she did what she did. It doesn't mesh with her outward persona nor her values from what you've described. But she did them. And she needs to understand why or otherwise make some sort of sense of it.

Be careful to not give her a reason to blame you or think you've had an affair or anything like that. Seems this might be a critical time. Try to remember that this is not about you. Logic would indicate if it's not about you, it must be something else right? What that something is, is hard to say. Oddly, I caught an interesting statistic the other day that's relevant. Some marriage counselor was asked if people who cheat are more likely to cheat again. Her answer? Yes. Her reason? Because people who cheat often do so because there is something amiss with themselves; they tend to be unhappy with themselves and blame their spouses.

Who knew?


Peace,
AJ

[JFun51]

Thanks everyone. I'm currently on the way to S12s football game. I thought I was gonna miss, but was able to get away. W has no idea I'm coming. I will find a friend to sit with and enjoy myself.

I'm so excited I don't have to miss his last game that nothing my crazy W can do can ruin that. (I hope)

[AJM]

That's awesome. Always nice to see a football game.

By the way, I meant to mention earlier. Don't worry about what she says or does or how other people view her. That all comes out in time...

Enjoy the game!

Peace,
AJ

[JFun51]

S12 played awesome and his team won. First person I saw when I walked through the gate was W, but she didn't see me. Went and sat beside a buddy I always sit and talk ball with. My mom came tonight as well, so got to visit with her for a while. Good times.

W came and sat down in front and said "I guess I don't have to text you updates." It was already 8-0 and she hadn't bothered anyway. Great game, kids finished the season with a win and I love watching him play.

Side note: I think my mom knows something isn't right. W and I didn't speak at all during the game. Mom was very quiet the whole time, unlike herself. Scary truth is that my mother did this to my dad when I went to college. Gave him the "I don't think I ever loved you" speech and moved out. After 6 months was living with someone else and you know the rest.

[JFun51]

AJ-love your insight. It always comes in handy and on point. I've read many resources about MLC from other websites and books. Many of those talk about unresolved issues from childhood being the cause for MLC. I can certainly make that fit for W because her mother left when she was 12 and she says she was never good enough for her father to be proud if her. Add into that that her first sexual encounter was a rape at age 16 and there's plenty of cause for her to be "messed up" as she says.

She has even said she thinks IC would be good for her, but she has not pursued it. In some of her more lucid moments in the last 4 months, she has acknowledged that she doesn't understand why she is doing and has done this. She says it isn't her and can't explain it. MLC fog, anyone?

As far as her trying not to cheat, I wish I could believe it. She spends 95% of her time at home laying by herself on our bed watching tv and doing whatever on her phone. S10 is very attached to her and has taken to going in there to lay with her over the last couple of weeks and watch tv and be around her. Kind of sad.

I also had a great talk with W's BFF yesterday. Things have gotten a little weird between us. We have always been good friends and gotten along famously. W brought it up the other night during venom spitting time. Said I was not talking to BFF and she didn't understand it. I told BFF that there was no reason for anything to be weird between us and that I was trying to become a better man whether that included W or not. It was like a huge cloud cleared between us. She gave me a big hug tonight and told me thank you. Felt good.

[JFun51]

You are a very strong person and I know you can do this. One thing at a time.

Thanks for the kind words pud. We all need all the support we can get. That's why we are here.

[Mtnman]

JFun I've been keeping up with ur sitch. Us WNC boys have it rough.