Issues throughout our marriage turned into vicious circle - he said I was too critical and (once having kids) not enough intimacy. I felt insecure in the relationship and he would not give me reassurances since he was feeling badly about the way I treated him.
Both spouses contribute to failed marriages, they never fall apart because one spouse is perfect while the other isn't. However, in this world of DB'ing we focus on the only thing we have control over and that is ourselves. So for now you have to set aside your H's faults and concentrate on yours. What did YOU do wrong in the M? How can YOU do 180's on those things?
Quote:
During our big talk, he told me he doesn't feel comfortable with touching b/c he feels he needs to stand on his own. (An hour later we were having sex.)
Who is pushing for sex? If it's him and you're OK with it then it's fine, but if you're pushing him into it then you might reconsider that because it's putting pressure on him at a time that he doesn't want any pressure.
Quote:
Tonight he touched me voluntarily three times . . . so I guess that is a good sign? But, as with all other nights, after we have had a great time together, he makes sure to update me on his moving out plans.
Low energy WAS's do tend to show signs that can be mistaken for progress, they'll do family activities (and even seem to enjoy them), may even go out on dates with the LBS, may agree to MC, even continue to ML. And this tends to make the LBS have expectations that things are getting better, but those expectations inevitably lead to disappointment. The sad truth is he is done and he's just going through the motions of being a married guy, biding his time until he can get out. I'm not saying to have no hope, there is always hope. But I am saying not to expect a fast solution, because there isn't one. It's going to take many, many months before he may begin to look back. If you read the sig's of the reconciled old timers here it's not unusual to see years between BD and R in there.
Quote:
Most of my friends/family and everyone else I talk to have good intentions but tell me he's a jerk, move on, kick him out of the house, lawyer up, he's evil, etc. It hurts a lot and I really hate all the negativity.
MWD talks about this in the beginning of DR. They do have good intentions, they think this is the fastest path for you to be "happy" again. They are absolutely wrong. The best thing to do is just not talk to them about your sitch. Talk about anything BUT your sitch. If they bring it up then just say both of you need time and space to figure things out and leave it at that.
Quote:
I don't think there is any stopping him moving out; I just pray that he comes around at some point . . . although once the kids are told, I may not be hoping anymore.
People reconcile after S and even D, so it's not over until you decide it's over. Hope is there as long as you continue to hold it in your heart.
Quote:
I have seen therapists, lawyers, etc. Read up online and in books. And you know what I've decided? Divorce is just plain STUPID.
I don't think you'll get much disagreement here, LOL! And society is stupid for encouraging it instead of encouraging people to work through their problems.
Quote:
It's obvious to me that our problems are totally solvable; but he doesn't see that at all.
No, because he's in a fog. He can't think clearly. You can't reason with him, you can't explain things to him. He sees you as the source of all the unhappiness in his life and the cure is getting rid of you. That's why you have to give him time and space, when you remove yourself from the picture eventually he'll realize you're not the source of all his problems after all. It takes a lot of time though.
Quote:
He also somehow thinks that he has "done everything" to make this work . . . not sure how that can be true when he decided on his own to D and sticks to it even though I want to work on things. ???
That's typical WAS script. They usually haven't done anything at all except suffer in silence, which they somehow interpret as "trying everything". And of course you're guilty for not responding to it.
Quote:
I'm still trying to figure out how/where to post in the forums
This is the place! Keep posting to this thread until it reaches 100 posts (10 pages) before starting a new thread.
