WHEN PATIENCE IS LOST

[Ambivalent]

Went to doc today, got prescriptions refilled and increased choice of dosage for the Zoloft.

I am working on trying to stop thought patterns. The good thing is, he has no clue what I've been going through.

I did some research on body language, eye language.

I was NOT misreading his eye contact.

He is saying with words he's not sexually attracted but his eyes and body language say differently. This does give me a boost of confidence.



The body skimming and hugging tell a different story.

I hurt him very deeply with our lack of intimacy. So much so , it brought him to tears in the counselor's office back in June.

He is terrified of getting hurt like that from me again, and has led to the feeling of disconnection. He has put a suit of armor on and I will have to slowly gingerly let him know that I accept him, admire him , and find him attractive in all areas.

The I don't consider him or think of him first is VERY important to him.

So I was doing well, but then when he was coming out and not coming in a timely fashion, my not being here upset him in this area...hence the " I don't think you realize how long it takes me to get here ( two hours ).

So I needed a club in the head...He IS saying one thing in words but his body is betraying him and he wants to control this. I can truly see where I caused so much pain, he doesn't want to go there.

I have to do some 180's here and be very careful . Smiling without reserve is a biggie, greeting him " as if " nothing was wrong or we are separated. Unconditional greetings...

Stay cheery and don't let every little set back derail me.

Find ways to touch him...if he wants to go to lunch suggest I cook at home instead.

Enlist help with preparation and touch his shoulders, back.

First and foremost, give it time and just get healthier.


I've known this...but my emotions took over and took control.

NOT A GOOD THING!

I am going to work on my emotions, reactions, and focus on breathing, exercise, and feeling sexy. I am going to wear sexy lingerie ...it does help one's attitude. It makes sexy confidence come forth.

When a woman's self esteem is hit in this area..."I'm not attracted to you sexually", it can truly rip apart every part of one's being. I'm taking that back.

I may be 53, but I don't look it. I have great skin, and my body is toning daily. I'm curvy in the good sense ( hour glass ) figure. I wear heels well, and jeans at present accentuate what I've worked on.

Today is a new day darn it , and I've got to throw off that miserable person I allowed myself to become for way too many days this past week.

Going to the gymn now!

Forgive myself

Enjoy my new body, and revel in the success of 32 lbs. lost!

Take my chores around house slowly and not get overwhelmed like I did. I think I now know what a panic attack is! NOT NOT NOT going there EVER again!