Who is this woman & what has she done with my wife

[THX-1138]

In the end, I decided not to go with her. I emailed that I had other plans, and brought her up to date up on the kid/school stuff. Ignored the "business" she mentioned talking about. If it's so important, well she knows where I live.

The thing that made me decide what to do was this:

I asked myself what was best for me.

I decided that I just did not want to sit with her in a pub to hear all about her MLC vacation. To feign interest in people that are 30 years removed from her life. That I did not want to be her dependable friend whom she just happens to be suing for divorce. That I did not feel like being her support group for whatever it is she needs right now. Especially since it seems that what she needs right now is some of my time and attention. As ForeverYoung said, "New guy makes the cake".

And it also occurred to me that I have never rejected her invitations, for anything, ever. It occurred to me that it might be nice once for her to feel my rejection, and to wonder what is happening, and what it means.

[AJM]

[quote]The early stages were best dealt with this attitude:
-She is a friend with issues.

Try to re-frame it like that, though she is your wife, she is a free human being, free to make her own choices, good, bad and ugly.

My other two SOPs are:
-"Aloof,yet available"
-STFU (they "tell" you so much more when you do this).[quote]When you first start to do things for you, it can be a wobbly wheel and timing can be "interesting". I applaud that you're doing things for you. I do. But I have to ask myself after reading your post if you did it for you or for you to get back at her? Just asking what the motivation was in the decision.

Peace,
AJ

[ForeverYoung]

It sounds like you made the right decision THX. What was W's response?

[THX-1138]

... I applaud that you're doing things for you. I do. But I have to ask myself after reading your post if you did it for you or for you to get back at her? Just asking what the motivation was in the decision...

My motivation was entirely selfish. I asked myself what I could handle, and what I wanted to do about it, and then did it.

For once, I put my own needs first.

[THX-1138]

It sounds like you made the right decision THX. What was W's response?

She did not respond. I worded the closing in a way that did not imply that I needed any response.

I wrote: "...I already have plans tomorrow so I won't be able to go to the pub with you. Thanks for asking. - THX"

She did ask a few kid's homework related questions, but did not mention the pub thing.

Then later on, without warning, she came and got the car in order to drive to her IC appointment. Once again, she knocked once, then let herself in without waiting for me to answer the door.

Time for me to set some boundaries.

She tried to chat a little bit while I got my keys, so I did my hmm, yeah, okay, conversation.

Getting tired of this sh1t.

[JFun51]

I have reached a point with my W that I'm not even sure I like her anymore. MLCer's are so selfish and oblivious to the path of destruction that they leave, that it is a major turnoff in every way. You are right to set boundaries. That's something that lets them know where they stand while you are putting up with their cr@p. It also shows that you are standing firm and not being a freaking doormat. I hate that feeling about my life right now. The feeling that you are being rejected, used, and disrespected at every turn. It's tough to deal with. Keep fighting and push out negative thoughts.

[THX-1138]

Today, right now, I am really second guessing myself. Thinking I should have accepted. And it turns out that the invitation was for tonight, not yesterday.

I haven't talked with my wife for three weeks, and I just turned down an opportunity to have a couple beers with her, and turn on the charm. Figure out where her head is lately. All that stuff.

[AJM]

...and that's what I'm getting at. Not trying to get you to second guess. Rather, I'm trying to get you to look at this from a perspective of 5 or 10 years from now. Are you going to look back at this time and wonder? Wonder if you gave it everything you had? Wonder if you gave in to your anger, frustration, and ego?

It's not something I can guess for you. It's not something I have to live for you. I've been there. I know the emotional rollercoaster and emotional vomit you get. I know there are no clear cut answers. But I do know from personal experience that I am incredibly glad that I did what I did. I am not second guessing myself at this point. I did when I was in your shoes. I had a hard time seeing things from her perspective. So did she, but that's her deal. I can only control what I do and decided what I decide. I'm very happy with my decisions and actions. I wish the same for you regardless how things turn out.

There's no reason you need to change your mind. And there's no reason you can't. There's no reason you can't call her and let her know you had a change in plans and if the offer is still good you'd like to be there. There are no real rules other than maintaining your dignity and doing what you can, if you ask me.


Peace,
AJ

[willbwell]

this whole thing is making my head swim!...questioning what would I do. go or not go? Part of this crazy making is we constantly go back and forth with our decisions.
my D has started too. I recently sent h an email about finances/kids- just business. His response was that my tone had changed. Really?
I gave the pathetic speech-h, this is painful for me. said to h you want the D and I am just supposed to go along?
kicking myself for sharing the pain part. h knows that.

once, I had a 'lunch date' with h. we had two different expectations going in. It didn't turn out so well.

At this point I have to be business. I have been friendly and amicable.

Whether you decide to go or not. Think hard about your expectations. Because you guys have kids , there will always be opportunities for conversations.
I am where you are. I know the craziness

[THX-1138]

Just confirmed that W is having a full blown PA with a 24 year old male.

W is 49.

On two occasions (after midnight), she has sent him photos of herself in her underwear, posing seductively. (Selfies using mirror.) He has gone to her apartment in the middle of the night 20 minutes later.

W does not know I am aware of this.

I am so disgusted that I want to throw up. This guy was born the week before I met W. He is less than half her age.

This has so thoroughly shaken the foundations of my life, and my understanding of who this person is that I married that I am just staggering around right now.

How can I even speak to her again, knowing this is going on?

Just laast Sunday, I went to get a coffee and pastry with her - at her request. (I did not go out to the pub with her last week.) I have been dark for a couple months but have occasionally been available. Again, how can I even speak to her now, knowing this is going on?

I want to stop all verbal communication with her, and communicate entirely by email, and only to discuss things which involve my children. I am so revolted by her, I don't think I even want her back anymore.

As I have said before, I understand that affairs are part of the MLC process, and I have accepted that they are a necessary part. And I could handle this if the OM was a guy in his 40's; even a guy over 35 would be okay. But my W having a sexual relationship with 24 year old boy makes me feel every type of bad emotion possible (and some I didn't even know were possible.)

I am so tired of this being an entirely passive thing on my part. I want her to feel the awful pain that I have.