Rott--your so funny!! you always make me smile. Yeah, I know patience and hard work. I worry about getting that passion back though. Its like were good friends and thats it. He doesn't seem like he is really into me, that I don't turn him on. I was always the agressive in the sex dept but you would figure being away from a woman for three years he would at least try something on me. Maybe I have worked with men for too long! no offense guys
Anita, do you think he is still afraid of rejection? Do you guys do any cuddling or talk baby talk and call each other sweet names, hold hands? Are you attracted to him sexually and fear rejection? I think you should invest in Light his Fire audio set. Goto Ellen Kreidman.com and order. The audio are one of the best investments I have made in a long time.
AnitaSues, thanks for the compliment. At least I can still make one person smile.
I have to say that when I read your last post, the first thing I thought of is not that he doesn't find you attractive, but that he is afraid of rejection. I think nitaf is right on.
Having grown up with boys all around me, I know how tender their emotions can be. Maybe he is afraid of his performance, of pleasing you, of you finding fault with him... so many variables. Does any of this sound possible?
Maybe you two are right!!! but I always basically go everywhere he asks me, except the last Sunday dinner. Now d mentioned that they will be going to the Cape again. He invited me last year and we went on this bike trail then, d and I went to the beach, while ex continued his ride. He told me "Mom, you are going to the Cape agin with us, you know how dad doesn't like to go to the beach, so we can stay on the beach until he is done." I feel just like a babysitter. No cuddling, no sweet names. Just good conversation, joking around--friends. Actually, I was going to tell you that last night I had to drop off d from dance to his house, he wasn't home, d said he is helping his brother. He came home and d was upstairs in the shower and we talked about the competition this weekend. My mom is coming with us and he hasn't mentioned going, so I asked him and he said he may come at night and take us all out to supper. We were in the kitchen and there was only one light on so it was romantic, just the two of us and he just kept on talking and talking about the competition and all the while I was thinking maybe I should ask him if I could give him a kiss or if I could sit on one of his knees (he was sitting on a kitchen chair) but then I thought, I might scare him and really back slide. but it just gets me thinking why doesn't he make a move. When I would come home from work when I was with OM there were times when I could tell he was "happy to see me", but I see nothing from ex which is getting me down. I figured he would initiate something, he never "looks happy to see me" and that would have been a perfect cuddle opportunity since it takes d like 40 mins to take a shower! He was never very sexual when we were married. One time we had a big fight about it and he told me that he wasn't made that way and that he is not into that kind of stuff--like oil massages, trying new positions. We were both eachothers first kiss, first sex and I made the first kiss move and he made the first sex move I guess I'm frustrated. I compliement him when he looks good (I try not to over due it) Our d has caught me checking him out and right in front of him she will say Mom stoop checking dad out!"
Hey I got me one of those type dudes! My h doesn't look happy to see me either. After we've been apart for 3 to 4 days though...he's very aggressive in the bedroom.
So when you and h finally get together in the bedroom, is it great?
I think what helped me is to notice his actions outside the parameters of sex, touching, etc. If he's doing the things to have an r with you then you'll need to focus on those to keep you going in the right direction. After you get on firm ground about the r actually going together then approach him about the physical stuff you need. He'll be more open then.
You have to remember that right now he's very unsure about you...he may not even really believe you are there to stay. it's hard to be touchy feely with someone you think may be gone tomorrow...it's hard to put your heart out there with that mentality.
I can see though that he needs your words of affirmation...compliment him, tell him he's a great dad, point out anything that will boost his ego...he needs that reassurance from you that he can please you. A man will be happy if he knows he can please his woman. I bet then he'll be happy to see you if he knows he can do somethings right around you!
we don't live with eachother, d for 3 years. In the beginning of our d, he would call me at OM's house and ask me to come over and we would ML, but that stopped three years ago. Another thing came to mind, every Wed, which is today, he has to drop off d to dance which lasts one hour, I live 8 mins away from dance studio and he knows I'm home from work, I figure that if he wants to work on relationship, he would come over to talk or something or even call me. Maybe I'm asking too much. I always assume things which I know you shouldn't do. But that would be great alone time, Sometimes, I would say casually that if you want to can come over, but either he goes over his brother's, his brother lives like 15 mins away from dance studio. Its like we are still married but without the sex. Even when we were married, sex with him wasn't the greatest, which I didn't find out until I went with OM. EXH was my first so I figured this is how it is. When I was with OM--OH BABY!!!!! But I have tried to get ex to try new things but he feels unconfortable (mind you, I don't ask to try crazy off the wall stuff) I suggested a massage with oil, he says oil is to be put on salads! I made myself into a hot fudge sundae and he told me to wash up, I'm getting the bed all sticky, try anal, no it doesn't no, it doesn't belong there. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but we don't cuddle or hold hands and I guess I'm the type of person who needs human contact, it makes me feel loved.
I have one for everyone: today is my day to have my d. My parents pick her up from school and then I pick her up after work and bring her to dance class. My ex-h calls my mom today (his ex-in-laws) and tells her that he is home sick today and that he doesn't have to pick up our d. Now my mom calls to tell me, but the ex-h doesn't call me and I know that he has my work number. Now I always communicate to him and his parents when something like this happens. Am I being too sensitive, I don't going to dwell on this or even dicuss this with him but wouldn't you think if you got told that he loves you and wants to work it out, this would be a good opp. to talk to me, keep communication open. My d ending up calling me and I made a crack that how come her dad couldn't call me and she said well, why should he, he knows that I'm going to call you anyway. Maybe I'm too oicky
I wouldn't think anything of it. If it really bothers you, ask - matter of factly with no emotion or guilt or anything. Just "why didn't you call me directly?"
Otherwise, just let it drop. It's one of those silly things that would bug me but don't really make a difference.
Have you told your XH that you want him to come by to visit when he knows you are home? Maybe he has his own hangups and thinks you don't want him around.
Quote: I can see though that he needs your words of affirmation...compliment him, tell him he's a great dad, point out anything that will boost his ego...he needs that reassurance from you that he can please you. A man will be happy if he knows he can please his woman.
Anita, do you think Cindy has a good point here? What is ex-h's LL by the way--I'm guessing from recent posts its definitely not PT. Do you think its possible that your HD may actually intimidate him a little? I've actually been in your shoes... my LL is PT and I tried for quite some time to get W to try all sorts of experimenting in the bedroom with very little success, and I think I may have even made her feel a little inadequate in the process. I know I wish I'd been a little more patient and supportive with her in these matters.
BTW, thank you again for your post on my thread, I always appreciate your insight.
