so- here is what i want to say (my brain is thinking) that i will not say to h today.
idk if i will chat with him today- i've got nothing to "share" with this person today...
so he has the audacity to write and say when he doesn't hear my voice he misses me.
well, no f'ing kidding man.
i am folding his stupid shirts and finding myself inspecting my heart (trying to) for signs that i either want this man and to hear his voice- or not.
i still can't imagine life without him in it- but i equally cannot imagine accepting that my stupid r with him now- no "love" no sex - his affection diverted to ow- whatever it is she is to him- even a stupid cow who "needed saving" (which clearly she is/was) - idk and idc.
that is whatever it is- what is he to me?
he's dealt out a truckload of misery over the past bunch of years- without even the courtesy of telling me what the heck was going on with him. he specifically lied when asked- i could have been very nice i think, understanding i think, (i was trying to understand and give him room with a veng3ence FOR A long long time. i don't even figure out how long he's been icky- becasue it hurts to realize how very long it's been his mission to alienate me and be cold.
wee3eeelllllll - he's certainly achieved SOMETING BIG. idk- maybe if i ever had anything at all to do with any of it- aside from some jerk in the same space to BLAME BLAME BLAME- IF HE'D ever have stopped to think about another human being who loved him getting the continual coolness & $hit he was handing out. the snapping and criticizing and handing me my head for what? wrong word at wrong time. no kidding - my stinking choice of words.
it's been sooooolong and the damage seems (see, hopeful still? SEEMS rather than IS)???) SOOOOOOooooooo much.
this morning - realizing i don't even want to hear his voice. i don't want to think and talk- not to him. not at all really-
roadblock totally. it's not even a ploy or something cool like that- goin dark for effect.
it's me - crossroads or someting.
usually- i know i always feel better to hear his voice. i hate to admit it (always) i feel it tho.
anyway- i can't bring myself to call, respond to the e-mail and last nite couldn't pick up the phone the couple times he called.
hothing in the world to say-
like what would there be to say? i miss him too ((and then what? he feels like - "oh good - stupid old jerk is still on the hook" - woo hoo - swell ole me???)
or what else? i snap and say something ratty becasue it's been sooo long and i'm sooo tired and feel sooo bad & hate the destruction he's wrought- to me, feelings, - mind, ego-life?)
anyone can see it is no time to talk to this guy.
AND THEN- TO TOP IT OFF - HERE's stupid ole mush-ball dopey me sitting here wondering if it's being "mean spirited" to not make contact when he's thrown out somet hing nice (for a stinking change).
oh man....
he's a wacko - and the worst thing about it all is seeing myself in response to it all. if i've been a bit too - "over thinkie" - now i'm almost immobilized over this very very tiny stupid thing.
believe me- i do not have one expectation in the universe from nice words from him. well- merely of the reverse kind. that he "checks" to mak3e sure i've still got that hook thru my lip and am flapping around without enough air OR water - like some poor fish that is on it's way out- still fighting"
that is about all. sorry for this rash of negativity here- it's what i'm thinking.
i need to stop thinking - tried by visiting gal next door with her mom in wheelchair (stroke- immobilize, etc.) a good long therapy visit with her-
but it still blipped back into head here - so sorry, dumping it here for want of ability to make it disappear.
perhaps some faithful hand will brush away the crappola and find someting worthwhile - worth thinking-
I'M NOT in the pits of despair or anythng- nobody has to worry- im just flooded with this uncharacteristic (ha) negativity about this guy-
ya gotta wonder- the heart/mind/gut is/are allll such independent guys- all at war - all having a very good point- allllllllll trying to squirm beyond my control - like kids, they gotta just push the envelope- gotta have their "own way"-
tra la huh???okay- lots to do and even interested in doing some of it- just wanted to blast that junk out of my head, maybe get a bit more "even". you'd think bad things would make me this screwed up- not something (potentially????) good?
