My Wife is an Alien and its killing me...

[JFun51]

One round of golf and several adult beverages later, I have at least had a fun morning. It's great to just enjoy the company of friends. Escape from the BS going on in my home.

I can live without her. I know that. I cannot live without my children. That is the greatest problem at this point. If S10 and S12 weren't in the equation, my sitch would be very different.

Thanks for keeping up with me. I love this community.

[indigo1]

Glad you had a good round! The adult beverages can help for sure as long as your in a good mood haha. I hear you on the kids part, certainly puts a whole new perspective on a already painful situation.

[JFun51]

Need major advice from veterans here:

I have reached a point where I am so disgusted by my W's actions, lies, venom, behavior, lack of concern, selfishness, etc, etc, etc. that I don't think I even like her anymore. I'm having a hard time remembering that this person is not the person I married and us living in a fog.

My question is: How do I find the strength to keep on fighting and struggling for someone who isn't even appealing to me any more? Is this where I find detachment and truly only work for myself and my kids?

I'm at a crossroads. I am having a hard time even looking at her and being friendly at this point.

[MrBond]

"My question is: How do I find the strength to keep on fighting and struggling for someone who isn't even appealing to me any more?"

By not fighting and struggling.

Is this where I find detachment and truly only work for myself and my kids?"

You should have already been doing this. You dictate the changes in yourself on your own. You don't look to your W to validate those changes for you.

"I'm at a crossroads. I am having a hard time even looking at her and being friendly at this point."

Then detach. You don't need to do it with hate or anger. You just let her live her own life and you live yours. It isn't easy at first but it will get better.

[JFun51]

Thanks MrBond. I guess I know the answers to my questions, I'm just afraid to live with those answers. Detachment has been my biggest problem. It's so hard just to let go of someone you love when they are confused and lost. It's do hard to let go of the life that we have with our children. We are together constantly, and that makes my detachment difficult. I gotta just be better at this and find peace with whatever happens.

I know it's not true, but detaching feels like abandonment. Like I'm abandoning her in a time if crisis, like I'm abandoning the cause. I know better, but it's so hard. I need to read the resources again and back through DB and DR do that I can stay the course.

[AJM]

I guess the thing is, you're not abandoning her, but letting her live her life. You said you love her. Loving somebody is not always rosy nor will it also return what you're after. And that's ok. It's not just about you.

You seem to want to "fix" her. You can't. But you can give her the space to figure herself out. In a normal relationship, even with friends, you'd call your friend on their behavior. You did that here. You gave the ball back and it's up to her how she'll handle it. It would be more of infatuation or ownership if you tried to control the behavior or her wouldn't it? You can do that with a puppy to an extent, but not a person.

What you're dealing with is not easy. But as you let go of things, and I suggest doing so one thing at a time, it gets easier to unravel the rubber band ball

For starters, how about letting go of the idea that your plan for your marriage and family is not going to go as you intended? Rather, it is what is and will be what it is going to be. One moment at a time.

Detaching is not abandonment. But since you're the last person that can get through to her, literally, you can show the family what you are made of and who you are. You have the ability to show your kids how to live. How to handle adversity with grace and peace. You have an opportunity to explore your own life to a degree not previously possible. To share your values with your kids through example.

That's a great opportunity, even if not asked for or thought of.

The best thing you can do for her is to let her live her life. You do not need to tell her you love her, nor that you care. She knows. Heck, even my ex knew that with me. I didn't realize it at the time, but later heard some stories from mutual friends. In case you think you can get through - my ex's friends ALL tried to talk her out of it. She ended up getting new friends. The drive is that strong.

So. How do you handle the situation? By being realistic about it. By figuring you out. You don't need to stomp or be angry or anything like that. If you were thinking of leaving, you would have to do the same things - detach. So, detach from the outcome of the situation. Identify and learn to control the things you can control. Namely, YOU.

I think you're doing it pretty well, to be honest. Many would have kicked her to the curb by now. You have a lot of resolve.

Mr Bond is right - detach. Stop looking to somebody who can't help their self, to help you or validate you. Ironically, the more you detach, the more you'll see what Mr Bond is talking about.

Play a nice course today?


AJ

[JFun51]

Wow AJ. Thanks for the perspective. No one said this was an easy ride. It stinks to be honest. I've always wanted to be the best father and husband I can be. I have the ability to work on one of those exclusively at this point.

I played our local course today. Nothing fancy, but a great day with my buddies.

[AJM]

Didn't notice it earlier. You're in NC. So lots of local courses here. Got a favorite in north or south?

I'm not much of a golfer - I play at it but not really a player. Some of the local courses are pretty good though, especially as you get closer to pinhurst and southern pines.

Nothing could be finer than to be (playing golf) in Carolina </singing>

Peace,
AJ

[Pudmuddle]

I like the way you worded your advice AJM. Detach from the outcome. I hadn't heard that before, that is a great way to look at it.

jfun, glad to see you are doing a bit better today. Hang in there!

[JFun51]

I live in Western NC, so most of our courses are pretty simple. I'm not a good enough golfer for places like Pinehurst and those places. Your average duffer here.

Update for today: I went back to my bed last night with no incident. Strangely enough, W was watching the World Series on TV while she was holed up in her cave, aka the master bedroom. It has become her home for the past 4 months. If me or the boys want to spend any time with her while we are at home, we have to go in there.

The strange thing is, she was watching sports again be herself. She has always complained that me and S12 don't do anything but sports and it drives her crazy that it's all we watch. I can't help but wonder of OM is a Red Sox fan or something stupid like that. I'm sure its not her interest in whether the obstruction call that ended game 3 was the proper interpretation of the rule or not.(Haha)

As I turned into bed, she proceeded to text/message/FB for 2 solid hours right beside me as I attempted to sleep. She knows this is the one thing that ticks me off more than anything. I did not allow her to push my buttons and turned away from her, eventually going to sleep. Can't help but think she was doing it out of spite.

BTW, she has been into my FB account snooping on me again this weekend. I'm not sure what she thinks she is going to find, but I've got nothing to hide. During her venom laden spew Friday night, she informed me that she had searched through my phone and found my private messages to another married woman. In all those messages that were about our kids playing ball and catching up a little bit, the worst she could come up with was me telling this woman "thanks for a friendly ear." W threw that up in my face as she was spitting venom and trash. I resisted the urge to remind her of all the dirty sexual messages that I know she has sent to multiple men. I also resisted the urge to remind her that she had also been sending multiple men naked pictures of herself. It was hard, but I knew it would get me nowhere.

I'm pretty sure I don't even like W any more. This person she has become is revolting. Detaching without anger is hard.