and "amen". im (as usual) working on my "total zen" outlook here. up day- down day- still walkin (ahead) - still "workin" on it... at the moment- i'm just keeping mum and not talking or calling h. he wrote the little e-mail saying he missed my voice after not chatting for a couple days (he was off seeing ow so didn't call me) so, my only response in head (still) is "well, your choice".
i'm trying to resist being ratty- i'm trying to resist being nice or grateful for the stinking bone- so i'm just not talkin. i mean - rite??? ijust don't have anything to say to him at this moment- can't talk.
how uncharacteristic is this of me ????- since i'm such a stinking blabber-mouth in life ....oh well-
just thinking about the garden- it was such an excellent afternoon yesterday- warmish & cool enough to enjoy the sun - i LOVE IT when it's cool and the sun's warmth feels good on you. it's SUCH A HUGE DIFFERENCE than fla where it just burns down day after day til you want to scream.
no kidding- when i'm enjoying the sun's warmth and remembering how nice THAT IS. IT'S sooooo SPECIAL - and different. like fog- ANYTHING that is "weather" other than sunshine still makes me stop and think it's soooooo neat & good to feel- anything not hot & sunny. i do love autumn & seasons.
i need to find some new winter boots if i'm gonna walk to school in winter. cold toes & all. it felt mighty nice tho- to begin day with a walk yesterday.
a heck of alot like being a kid walkin to school again- not at all a bad association and beginning to the workday..
anyway - almost done with ole rose of sharon- i've chopped the heck out of all of them - i keep them as small trees - no room for bushes - so i've wacked their heads off to about a foot or 6" from trunks - hope it's not too late in the year and i don't kill them. oh well- they're gonna have to do their best with it. i get ruthless when i actually prune- it may or may not be best time of year - oh well.
there's so much to do out there- it was such a beautiful afternoon-
i'm outta here- as usual- about a million things to do today. i'd hoped they'd call for school - i guess not- oh well - wah wah
have a wonderful day- you're sounding mighty good there- so yay for you.
i like your comment (out look) about what is your "goal". here. you're rite- it's not about them so much- as us - (tho unfortunately they have sooooo much to do with it (all) ) oh well huh?//
i sure am seeing self sometimes differently. well, same person & needs - just looking from a different angle. can't "make the call" bout it, (oooops - was I REALLY going to say "rite or wrong" -yes - i was). i don't even like thinking i'm that LOCKED IN TO judgements. i think i am alot tho- it is aa thing about me i'm noticing and tryin to step back from - in general with "the world" i'm sooo good at not jujdging- then ka bam- in my life, my brain must go rite to "good or bad" rite or wrong- yikes..... the darn things you get forced to acknowledge about self...
i know- one more thing to work on. h ACCUSES me of being too dramatic, too black & white & toooo over the top. this is in response to me saying if he doesn't LOVE me, then i'll probably end up having to get lost & maybe HATE him. i'm not sure- i'm thinking realistically speaking - i may exaggerate - but it's gonna end up being one or the other for me. i'm open minded - and i'm certainly still "here" (sort of) - but i don't think he can get his mind to accept that this is a good set up for him- HAVING IT ALL (HIS words) - but it's not for me. he was kind of surprised and unwilling to say out loud (but did) that "he can understand that his having sex with someone else is a HUGE prohblem for me in this r" - GEEEEE YA THINK????/
really , really, Can AN otherwise smart man REALLTY need me to tell him that- see that, etc. oh man.....
anyway- back to you - well, us. it IS ABOUT US NOW. i'm not so good at doing "me". soooo wierd (and not a little hypocritical) that this man that HATED his parents for their selfish, narcissistic BEING - (BOTH OF THEM) and whattya think- ta da..... there's him, all about him while dangling along old "other oriented - caregiving - me". it's laughable isn't it??? oh man- REAL LIFE can be such a joke ... on us all
human beings- what a bunch of deluded & blind nutballs. all of us- me too btw
okay- i'mj outta here. who knows what i may accomplish today??
