Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

HS,
Thanks for responding. You have some very valid points about our marriage. I agree that I have not been the best husband. Bullying my way to getting what I wanted is a pretty eye opening statement for me. I know I was very unyielding in some situations but never considered it bullying. It is very confusing for me right now because I always thought I put my W needs ahead of my own when it came to almost everything but children. I do regret not being a strong enough man just to come right out and tell her I wanted children instead of beating around the bush or when she asked to start a family just going with it since it something we both wanted and money issues can always be worked out. I also know that communication has always been lacking between us. When I started MC I told the counselor I needed to learn relationship skills. For the last 4 months I have worked very hard on this. I have put myself in my W shoes and didnt like how it made me feel. I must have been a real treat to live with at some points in our marriage. Since I started MC we havent had any fights like we used to where one of us would start yelling the other would become defensive and start yelling, hurtful things were said and we went to bed mad with neither of us getting our needs met whatever they were that particular day. Now when we disagree or get upset with each other I have been able to step back and realize at what point I would have become defensive and started yelling before and now I am better equipped to handle the situation in a calm rational way. My W seems to sometime test me on this new found calmness by continuing to yell to get her points across and see if I will engage her. I havent back slide on this effort as of yet. I never wanted to avoid communication with her after the separation. I just thought by giving her time and space and working on myself. It would be a benefit for us both even though it was very hard for me. She now admits that I have changed no drinking at the moment, nicer guy, losing weight but I think she still is leery about trusting that these changes will stick. We have talked about the relationship twice since we separated both times she brought it up. The first time she was extremely upset to find out that I had been wanting children for a long time and not telling her. Also, that is was too late to reconcile even though I was taking steps to improve myself. The second time she was telling me that I was just saying things that she wanted to hear and that she really wished I would have told her about babies sooner. I asked to move back home to the other bedroom for right now and she said we could not live under the same roof. Even though she has mentioned D I dont think she is completely sold on the idea. She said she has feelings for me but does not love me. She knows I love her and that puts me at a disadvantage. I just told her that we could start to rebuild if she could just let me back into the smallest part of her heart for now. If I am not living with my wife how can I try and meet some of her emotional needs? I have asked her out for dinner or to watch a hockey game together she says she appreciates the offer but not now but maybe in the future. Only problem is does that mean after the D? When I know something is bothering her I ask if there is anything I can do to help she says no or it is none of my business. But the next day or next week she will tell me what it is without me even asking about it. Before in the M I would keep asking her what is bothering her until she became upset, which in turn would upset me and make feel unloved when she would not say what is was. It is a work in progress I just hope it can be turned around because I have loved my wife from day one with all my heart. Any more advice would be most welcomed.