wife hardens heart-5

[JayMan]

I guess parenting is a touchy subject, but I have many friends who now regret that attitude now that their kids are teenagers. I'm not saying you jam broccoli down D4s throat, but if it's your time, and you don't want OM around, you stick D4s butt in the car.

Kids crave appropriate discipline and boundaries. I went back and read and your permissiveness with the kids seem to translate to W as weak willed over all.

[planet]

I get what you mean.

I'm not staying with the kids anymore and it's tough trying to discipline my kids when i receive very little or no support from W and MIL.

They have a very different view on discipline. MIL kept on saying they'll grow out of it. Hmm...Not being a d**k here but one has to see how her kids turn out to know she's got it wrong.

W won't see me as weak willed but as a crazy a** forceful d**k if i force things my way. Not that it matters now.

D4 is really smart. She KNOWS she is controlling the situation when W or MIL is around. She cries out for her mom when W is not around and i believe that's how she wants attention. Right now D4 is ignoring me.
I'm trying very hard to figure out the best way to deal with D4.

[JayMan]

planet - I apologize, I didn't mean to just come out swinging at you. I know you're in a rough situation and it's hard to figure out what to do. I can't figure out things sometimes from hour to hour!

I remember with my XW1 - she moved into a new apartment, and decorated D13 and S11's room (they were 3 and 5 at the time). They loved it. Loved living there because it was all fresh and new and W didn't discipline them.

However, after about 6 weeks, the "new car smell" wore off, and they started liking it at my place because it was clean, neat, and I cooked dinner, and so on. Just a thought.

Also, stop caring what W thinks. Discipline carefully and appropriately and ignore her. Tell her if she wants to co-parent, and express valid concerns, then you're willing to listen. It's been almost 8 years, and XW1 called me yesterday almost in tears because the kids won't clean their rooms, won't listen, won't do what she says - reaping what she sowed so many years ago.

[Fartiltre]

Planet,

I have exactly the same experience with my S10 as Jon just described
XW1 has called me several times to come to her assistance when S10 acts crazy!

The same goes for Ws "new" house and our old one.

F

[planet]

planet - I apologize, I didn't mean to just come out swinging at you. I know you're in a rough situation and it's hard to figure out what to do. I can't figure out things sometimes from hour to hour!

Don't fret it. I understand where you are coming from.

Also, stop caring what W thinks. Discipline carefully and appropriately and ignore her. Tell her if she wants to co-parent, and express valid concerns, then you're willing to listen. It's been almost 8 years, and XW1 called me yesterday almost in tears because the kids won't clean their rooms, won't listen, won't do what she says - reaping what she sowed so many years ago.

I wish she would only listen instead of fighting me.
I guess I have to do this by myself but D4 is such a smart monster, it's going to be a tough one.

I have exactly the same experience with my S10 as Jon just described
XW1 has called me several times to come to her assistance when S10 acts crazy!

I hear ya. Your experiences tells me what I should be doing.

[PatientMan]

Then figure out a way that it won't be combative. Try it out for a couple of weeks and if it doesn't work, then try something else.

I have done some reading on dealing with someone like W yesterday over the internet. The one way that really sticks is to agree with their argument and that will somehow disarms them because they have nothing to go further on.

There are a LOT of ways! You just have to pick one that suits your personality, or one that you think you'll have the most success utilizing, or even one that sounds like a challenge because maybe you love a good challenge.

Here's one: refuse to argue. Set the boundary that you will not argue under ANY circumstances, and when you realize a discussion devolving into an argument, you don't say another word, or you leave the room, or you say "goodbye" and hang up the phone, or you stop texting back.

Just brainstorming...

-PM

[planet]

Here's one: refuse to argue. Set the boundary that you will not argue under ANY circumstances, and when you realize a discussion devolving into an argument, you don't say another word, or you leave the room, or you say "goodbye" and hang up the phone, or you stop texting back.

Just brainstorming...

-PM

Right. There are many ways.
FWIW, I don't argue with her but i find myself answering her irrelevant questions. It's frustrating but it is self-inflicted.

[MrBond]

I'd say the same things to my kids.

"Both W and I don't really force things onto our kids.
They get to decide what they really want."

Then you're a rotten parent. To parent means to direct your kids to make the right choices. Since when did the children have the power to tell the adults what to do?

[planet]

I'll admit I'm a bad parent in the past. I realized I spend way too little time with them.

Nevertheless, I always believe in choices. I'd give a choice between vege A or vege B. No ice-creams in between. Book A or Book B. Fun Place A or Fun Place B. That they'll decide.

After BD and especially after I moved out, everything changed. Their mom will buy ice-creams and give junk food. D4 gets more cartoon hours. The kids don't have to nap if they don't want to. Late hours too i think. MIL is the same and say they'll grow out of it. BTW, SIL is a junk food junkie. My kids have absolutely no access to such things if I was taking care of them past and present.
All the things we used to talk about being tough on them and discouraging junk food all went down the drain. It's not to say W is being a bad parent. She prepares home cooked wholesome meals for the kids during the weekends and does her best parenting them. However, we are not on the same page regarding D4's behaviour lately.

D4 might not enjoy time with me because i discourage cartoons and no junk food. D3 on the other hand, loves interacting with people so she stays off the TV. D4 is becoming increasingly distant. I just don't know why. She doesn't opened up to me.

[MrBond]

"Nevertheless, I always believe in choices. I'd give a choice between vege A or vege B. No ice-creams in between. Book A or Book B. Fun Place A or Fun Place B. That they'll decide. "

Let me just tell you that it sets an extremely bad precedent for when your kids are older. They will not listen to you and think they can get whatever they want. They will grow up to be just like your W and you will not be able to control them.

If you want to have someone in your family respect you, then start with your children.

"D4 is becoming increasingly distant. I just don't know why."

It's obviously because of the situation. You can't keep treating them like they are adults without feelings. They are children and are missing out on the nurturing portion of their childhood that YOU as her father is supposed to provide. Become the PARENT.