Living on a roller coaster

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks sayitaintso, I worry if I don't take his calls etc that he'll stop confiding in me or go deeper into depression. I'm away this week, so NC may be more realistic. I guess I also worry that by having NC I'm missing the vital moment when he wakes from the fog. Silly really.

I've had a very strange day with him today. In one way he seemed to have more clarity, but in another he seemed more strange. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time but it seemed like it was paranoia. He was sketchy. He was upset that I didn't want to chat, but I did engage with him when necessary, just didn't instigate any conversation. One word answers, he called it. I apologised and said I was just enjoying the peaceful surroundings.....which was true.

He's also had the opportunity to see the children all weekend without me but didn't do it. He only seems to want to see them with me around, which until hes def not suicidal is my preferred choice, but I do find it odd.

He then told me he'd bought me a new car........I don't believe this will ever materialise but thanked him for it. Maybe it wasn't clarity I was seeing but a different stage of delusion I'd never seen before? He had a new car of his own. Says its not his but time will tell. He was telling me of the new clothes he'd bought....all while we have bailiffs at the door.

He was obsessed about saying how old he was, how grey he was, how his body doesn't work, how much younger me and the kids are compared to him. He talked about how the kids accent had changed (they've always had the same accent), how big they were getting etc.

It feels abit like bad days with him before. I'm wondering if I'm the one loosing my mind........ I just didn't recognise the man I met today. I couldn't feel the love I felt for him before. It was like being with a stranger. A stranger I'm very worried about.

On the other hand I met with some friends that had been very concerned about me. They live far away and had only been able to talk on the phone with me thus far. They all thought I'd been putting a brave face on on the phone to them but were very pleasantly surprised that I am in fact doing really well. Yes I have bad days but more good than bad. I'm sleeping better, starting to eat more. Dress my best and im laughing and having fun. One of my closest friends says it the best I've looked and sounded in about 3 years. I was always so stressed before. I'm beginning to enjoy this new life that's been forced on me.

Fun times on the roller coaster.