New to This - An English Man In Trouble

[Hadlee58]

Well nearly a week since my last post, update time
This week has gone well and i am feeling a lot better about the situation, trying to get to grips with the patience i need to see this through. I have tried to focus in the things i want to do and the things i should be doing and as long as i am doing them i will be fine whatever the outcome. I have my half marathon this weekend which i am more than prepared for, this last six months has no doubt been awful but its great i have got myself back fit and enjoying my running more than ever, i would never have thought i would be able to run 13 miles! on my last big preperation run last weekend i seemed to really be in the 'zone' and i had a smile on my face the whole way round (12 miles without stopping once). Its funny i have tried to relate my half marathon to my situation - its a marathon not a sprint, there has been times i have wanted to skip a training session and times i have wanted to cut corners all similar to what i have done with my R. I have used this to give myself some perspective and if i can do one i can do the other.

H

[Hadlee58]

I havent posted in a while, been keeping my head down and working hard, just thought i would write down some of my feelings/thoughts:
I completed my half marathon and under two hours which i didnt think i could do, felt great afterwards and my hard work had paid off, i am carrying on my running and am planning a full marathon next spring time.
Things at home have been going pretty well, a few ups and downs but i have tried to stay positive. Last weekend we went to a friend wedding and a family 50th. Both these have left me feeling pretty deflated and low, seeing others making the same vows i did and couples interacting well togther and looking in love made me feel very jealous.
Since the weekend i have been on a bit of a spiral questioning my position now from when i started in June. Things are better there is no question on that however my wife isnt in the same place as me (shes stopped reading her book). I am sure if i asked she will say the same - things will take time to get better. SHe still doesnt initiate or respond well to any R talk. On the positives we do enjoy time together, talk more than ever (thats me listening and validating), enjoy weekends with the children, have been on nights out together just the two of us and had the occasional nights of passion, more likely minutes if you asked her . I have worked so hard on the things that got us in this place, listening/validating, supporting and caring, my W has had a torrid time at work lately and i have done what any great husband would do to try to make things easier for her.
We lack any kind of intamacy (i dont mean sex) in general, we sleep in the same bed but as far apart as you can get, we dont cuddle or kiss on the sofa, apart from hellos and goodbyes and i am worried that this will be the path for the future unless something changes. As i said seeing others acting intimately together over the weekend has really got to me this week.
My worry is that we are heading towards a marriage of convenience for the children.
My heart is telling me that i should bring this up whatever the consequences and let her know how its affecting me however my head (DB mode) is telling me to carry on the path i am on in the hope she will get to the magical place, i am torn. I think she can tell this week that i am not in the best of moods, and whereas in the past i have always masked this portraying that i am happy i have lost the will this week to turn this around.

Hopefully i can get my chin back up soon!!

[Hadlee58]

Well thought i would post a quick update, i dont seem to be getting much traffic which is ok but regardless writing down my thoughts is a way for me to keep focused
Things have been moving on at a steady but slow pace these last few weeks, it was my wifes sisters wedding last weekend which was great, it started badly with a disagreement on the Friday, i can put this down to pressure my wife was under but i held my ground and let her know that she cannot speak to me like that and that i didn't agree with her point of view, it was good to finally stand up for myself, for too long i would have just tried to placate things. She apologized later for her outburst which i thanked her for however it is still difficult to live like this. I have now got to the stage where i am happy with the man i have become and if that isnt good enough for her then there is little i can do. She still brings up past problems with me when she isnt happy but i know i cant change them and can only focus on being the man i am today.
The wedding went of well and we all had a great time, i was fairly uncomfortable at times as her family would continuously ask how things are between us, they seem to have a lot of respect for me and want things to work out, as difficult as it was i kept my answers short and vague. Obviously it was difficult seeing the 'in love' couple but thankfully it seems the wedding season is over for this year
My worries are still the same, i can see massive improvements in me and i have genuinely worked on all her issues with me in our R, not always perfect but who is. My wife hasnt really began to work on the problems on her side and isnt in the position to take her share of the blame for our situation or work on any of her negatives we discussed and i am increasingly worried that i am falling out of love with the woman she is. Last week she had a troubled day and i offered her a hug which she politely declined (she was sore from the gym)i just cant stand not having someone there who can say i love you or want to be close with, that is the part that hurts the most and at times i think i deserve to be happy and loved too, i love her unconditionally at the moment but it is starting to wobble. The funny part is she is keen to come to my work parties and has talked about our holiday for next summer even to the point of wanting to get booked so she must see a future for us and that is the confusing part for me. Part of me wants to lay my cards on the table and talk about the relationship come what may, its so difficult knowing what to do for the best
Anyway i feel better for writing this down

[MrBond]

" i dont seem to be getting much traffic which is ok but regardless writing down my thoughts is a way for me to keep focused "

Your posts sound more like journals which is why no one is posting to you. If you have a question or even just to see if you're on the right path, then ask it and you'll get posts.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks mr bond I had never really looked at it like that but it does make sense, thanks for the tip!
Whilst journaling does help me get my mind settled I guess sometimes I could do with a bit of validation on what I am doing, is this normal script? what has worked for others in my situation? Pull yourself together? Maybe an outsiders view.... I don't really talk to anyone about my situation as I find it quite difficult to discuss openly but as you can see I do get benefit from rambling on here.

Thanks again

[MrBond]

"My wife hasnt really began to work on the problems on her side and isnt in the position to take her share of the blame for our situation or work on any of her negatives we discussed "

You can't control her actions. You can only control yours.

[hotwheelsaust]

If there is anything for us LBS to take out of our sitch's, then that comment by MrBond is it "you can't control her/his actions. You can only control yours".
It gets easier once you can accept that.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks folks for the feedback, this is something i will work on, its difficult to not get sucked in when my wife is in a foul mood (i always think its something i have done) and i go into overdrive over-thinking every possible scenario and what i can do to make it better. Its so difficult to read sometimes, some days she can be the kind loving woman i fell in love with and shows some (albeit small) affection and other days very cold and distant, i think i need to consider how i deal with the days (both types).

Thanks again for your words H

[AnotherStander]

and i go into overdrive over-thinking every possible scenario and what i can do to make it better.

The best reaction you can ever have to your W's mood swings is maintaining your PMA. That's a big sign of detachment, when you can be happy whether your W is happy, sad, grumpy, angry, etc.

some days she can be the kind loving woman i fell in love with and shows some (albeit small) affection and other days very cold and distant, i think i need to consider how i deal with the days (both types).

Quit trying to get a read on her and work up a game plan. This isn't about strategy, it's about YOU being the best YOU that you can be Let her worry about her crap, you can't fix her and if you try she's just going to think you're being controlling and manipulative.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks AS, put this into action last night and you know i felt a lot better. Wife told me about her terrible day and i just listened and validated and then we talked about my great day, it was heavy rain last night and she questioned me going out for a run in such weather to which i told her i love running and a little bit of rain wont stop me doing what i enjoy! Ran with a smile on my face and at a great pace too. Maybe this is a new chapter for me so thanks to all for the guidance.

H