Luke - I'd like to give you an example of something I just said to my W. I'll admit up front, for about a hour after I said it, my stomach was kind of clenched up, feeling nervous about how it would be received. Also, I am NOT a vet, and I am NOT a great DBing example, but this is a hard thing I knew I needed to say, and I needed to stand firmly by it. NTX_Dad called it "sacking up" and I like that! (Check my signature)
A very long story short - my W said she wanted to try to work on R a week ago. This past Friday, she hugged me, kissed me, begged me to stay longer, etc. Yesterday, I went to surprise her to see if she and my step-kids wanted to go to breakfast, and she slammed the door in my face, threatened me with the restraining order, and pretended to call the police to get me to leave. I found out the OM she'd had an EA with was there.
Here's what I said to her as a boundary:
1. Our families will have zero "in-person" interaction while a restraining order is in place. It was ridiculous behavior, and I won't live in fear of it. I will communicate only with email for important stuff, and perhaps phone for something quick, but I will follow it up with a confirmation email, and I won't act on it until she confirms the email so I have it in writing.
2. I will not be in a relationship where another man is involved in any way. Period. Even if the EA was ended, and they're just really good friends, she's going to have to sacrifice that relationship to be with me. It's the one thing I will not negotiate.
Please note, I was VERY careful not to discuss any control of her actions, only mine. I also pointed out specific behavior that was unacceptable and why.
Again, I am not the greatest example. But even though my W is actually saying positive things about our R, she obviously thinks she can get away with making poor choices, and treating me in disrespectful ways, so I made hard choices and said hard things.
