Hi all, I would dare to say that I have been away from the boards for about 5 years. My first marriage ended, after I worked like a dog with the help of some wonderful people here. I was remarried to a wonderful man (really) about 2 years ago. We've very recently found ourselves in crisis.
We have four children (all girls) F-9, K-7, E-3 and I-14 months.
My DH is 42 and I am now 28 (regardless of my never aging screen name).
The man I fell in love with was my best friend, we laughed and talked. I loved his sense of humor. He was always very balanced and calming (my rock). Most of all the man loved me. Not that he let me do what I wanted or thought I was perfect, no much more than that, he loved me despite my "crazies". He fought me and made me grow, learn, and change to be a "better woman".
Somewhere along the way we accrued all of this resentment, anger and distrust (on both sides). We've falling out of love and he's ready to get out. He is tired and lost.
I just bought Michelle's book, "The Sex Starved Wife". As sex has long been a source of contention for us, my husband being the LD. It's "helped" to drive the wedge between us.
He says ILYBNILWY and says he is terribly confused. This all really hit rock bottom about a month ago when a girl who stirred up problems in our relationship early on came back to town. He lied about knowing that she was back, and has been flip flopping majorly with which direction he is going to "run" in. This really, really hits hard given the situation I was in the last time I was here. An unfaithful husband and a mess on my hands. (Please feel free to look back through my posts) I got lots of wonderful advice from wonderful people. I am going to read back through some of it, so I can re-receive the advice.
I also believe that some of this may be stemming out of MLC. He is so unhappy with his job and I don't know of anything that hits a man harder than that.
I am in my final semester of school, in December I will graduate with my Computer Science Information Technology Technical Support degree! This is a huge STEP!
I guess I am mostly here to interact with others going through similar things, to learn what I need to learn now and to share my experiences and stories.
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DH: 42 Me: 28 Married: 05/21/2011 4 girls: 9,7,3 & 1 Loss of trust & intimacy ILYBNILWY - 10/2013
Hi Emily, I don't have much advice to give but I love your positive attitude. I spend most of my time secretly mulling in a miserable fog and I respect your strength.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Yes to expand a bit, my youngest two daughters are from my current relationship. The oldest two are from my previous marriage, but we haven't seen hide nor hair of him since 2007 and although he pays his support as the court has told him too he is NOT an active part in the girls lives.
My husband stepped in when they were around 4 & 2 (now 9 & 7 respectively).
I would say as far as martial strife goes, we've pretty much handled a bit of everything. I don't know if the age difference plays apart in our sex life, but I imagine it does. We've never seen it as an issue, when we are on we are fantastic together and the age never matters a bit!
On to the problems:
* My mother and father massively overcompensate for my older two daughters biological father. It creates a lot of tension for us.
* I am JUST now learning what MY core issues are and fixing them truly, instead of faking my way through. I had/have a codependency issue. From a multitude of things ranging from being adopted, to having an over critical adoptive mother with massive self esteem issues to my first marriage and it's infidelities.
*Money is always tight. Restate that my husband hates his job. He has worked for the same manufacturing company for 20 years. He is an intelligent man, and does much of the companies machine mechanics, he however makes little money.
* In the time we have been dating & then married he has suffered two injuries which resulted in some chronic pain (some of which he still is fighting with now). He had the end of his left ring finger crushed by another mechanic at work (this was before we were married). Then last year he suffered two herniated disks in his back, after almost a year his back is better but not 100%. I know this has again, added to his avoidance of sex.
It's not even all about avoidance, it's the lack of intimacy when something does go on. It's very much like in the book, it's mechanical and just filling a duty. He barely touches me at all.
Hi Emily, I don't have much advice to give but I love your positive attitude. I spend most of my time secretly mulling in a miserable fog and I respect your strength.
Thanks, it's taken me a long long time to get to this point. I stumbled around in the fog too! I've learned that DBing, in my opinion, is as much about saving yourself (regardless of marital outcome) as it is the marriage! Hang in there!
So sorry to read your story. I was also on the HD side of an SSM and I know it is terrible and can be soul-crushing. Maybe post on the SSM forum if you feel that is at the root of your current issues?
When you say your mother and father massively overcompensate, what does that mean?
What does H have to say? How does he explain his withdrawal?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So sorry to read your story. I was also on the HD side of an SSM and I know it is terrible and can be soul-crushing. Maybe post on the SSM forum if you feel that is at the root of your current issues? **I may move over there, I figured this was the best reintroduction point for now though
When you say your mother and father massively overcompensate, what does that mean?
**This has to do with letting the older "run wild". I understand that Grandparents often spoil grandchildren, but this is beyond reasonable spoiling. Largely because of the unhealthy relationship I have with my mother and the rest of the family. The girls have learned that to get what they want they go to Grandma and Grandma MAKES it happen.
For example: Just a few months ago, girl scouts were starting and the girls were interested. As I said I am in my last semester at college (I go 5 days a week), we have 4 children, several dogs, (I didn't mention the next bit yet) BUT my MIL is currently living with us and my husband works full time. Our life is hectic. We told the girls we would think about girl scouts depending on the schedule. My mother forced the issue after the girls whined to her and got nasty with us and said that she and my father would take the girls to scouts and pay for it to ensure they get to go. What has she paid? Nothing. How many meetings have they attended? None.
Now it's not the point that they are going and doing these things with my children. It's the point that she has to force every issue and if isn't done her way, it's a massive blow out. Because as we say no one says no to her. What does H have to say? How does he explain his withdrawal?
**He and I have talked this through several times and right now it comes down to him being "tired" and "confused". He says he's fought so long to keep this family going (between my co dependance/attachment issues/anxiety, my mothers meddling, money stress, and general life I understand). He says he need space, but he doesn't know how to achieve it as he feels that we are in two different relationships. He doubts that he ever loved me, He says he feels like he hasn't been living, just going through the motions. He says he knows he loves me but he doesn't even view me as a friend anymore. We don't even have a friendship in his eyes.
I would also like to add that this is a man that has not taken off his wedding ring in two years but for the last two weeks it has been missing. He said he got grease on it at work and left it in his tool box. Acceptable. I've tried not to nag at this point, and told him I didn't want him to have to wear it if he didn't want to, but I would appreciate it if he would at very least bring it home. We have not fought over this issue, although it eats at me every day he comes home without it.
Do I just accept that he isn't wearing it right now and leave it alone?
My knee jerk reaction is that surely this has something to do with OW being in town. I'm trying like hell not to go there. Any thoughts on this are greatly appreciated.
I know what you mean about the ring. I think the key is to discuss it at a time when "the iron is cold" as DR says. Right now the iron is probably hot. Your concern is important but try to find out when it's a good tim to talk about something like that.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
