Becoming Patient Man III - Moving Forward

[PatientMan]

• XW confirmed late last week what I suspected - there is a mental barrier there where she cannot move forward without being "okay" on her own. In spite of this, she still reaches out to me...I guess that's the drug-like symptom of dependency, which she directly admitted to me as well.
• Went "out" again with a couple of new friends. I'm not a notch-in-the-belt type of guy, and I didn't realize how...I can't think of the right word...promiscuous a lot of people are. I was married young and missed the entire singles scene of my 20's, so this has been my first exposure to it, but it's a little surprising. Even when I tell people that I'm not looking to hook up, that I'm just getting out to do something and enjoy myself, it doesn't seem to register to them (maybe they think it's a line?). None of this stuff bothers me - I really couldn't care less what anyone thinks about me - I just find it surprising. And, frankly, a little disturbing.
• I am definitely NOT looking to cleanse my palette. I can appreciate if a woman is attractive, but I have no desire to pursue, or even respond to their pursuit. I have my religious reasons, of course, but it isn't like I WANT to do certain things, but I feel God looking down on me with His rulebook wagging his finger at me. This lifestyle just isn't my thing, and if Martha Stewart were to give her opinion on the subject, she would say "that's a good thing." I don't have a problem being the only person in the bar not drinking, but if all the ball games are over then I'd rather just go home and go to bed - especially if the place is too loud to have a conversation with someone. (I am embracing my inner codger.)
• Kids were excited to see their old house yesterday. They are handling themselves very well. I think as they see that not a lot will change in their day-to-day lives, they come to terms with things better.
• During "the talk" on Friday night, D7 was astute enough to directly ask if this means I'm not ever coming back home to live. XW did most of the talking that night, but she hesitated so I stepped in to explain how that's what a divorce means. They seemed to be always waiting for me to come back home given the last (and only) talk we had left it at XW and I needing some time apart to figure things out - that was 18 months ago when I moved out. I'm very certain they inferred it was temporary - that I was away for longer than they ever imagined, but it was temporary. Most people would say that the girls, especially the older two (12 & 10) "knew" what was going on, but I'm telling ya, they dynamic between XW and I has been something very different than a separated or divorced couple. I'm NOT necessarily saying Martha Stewart would agree with THAT, it just is what it is.
• XW is still a mess. She told me yesterday she may not be able to keep the van...that she just can't seem to make budget every month and that's the second biggest expense. She could get an older/less expensive van to cut costs. I don't think she knows she still a little upside down on the loan.
• I've gotten a lot done around the new/old house with what little time I've had. Everything that could be unpacked, is. I've got some curtains up and some loaner furniture from friends to help fill the place. I just need to work on making it more livable for my family. First step: beds for the girls. There is a lot to do, but it is all secondary to that.

-PM