BTW, does she really have a restraining order? If so then that's a big game changer. I would absolutely stay the heck away. She will play that card to her advantage when she needs to and you may end up in jail eventually.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
@NTX - does she really have a restraining order? If so then that's a big game changer. I would absolutely stay the heck away. She will play that card to her advantage when she needs to and you may end up in jail eventually.
She does. This is something I was talking to someone about the other day. I actually told her that since she is going to use it as a "weapon", then I will have no further interactions with her other than email or phone until it is dismissed.
Quote:
@labug - Did you check out that drama triangle yet?
LOL, I think we're so far messed up I don't think we're even ready for that, honestly. Right now, I don't know that W will ever be ready for R without years of therapy; maybe me either.
Quote:
@Wonka - I think it is high time for you to put LRT in place now, Jon.
I sort am stuck between deciding between LRT and if I just want to sign the dissolution and be gone.
Quote:
@jersebeachmama - I just went thru this same cr@p last week.
I'm sorry, wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's funny that your spouse who promises to love you through better or worse, ends up causing you more pain than anyone you've ever disliked.
Moving ahead: W and I had one short conversation yesterday evening. She insisted that EA was just a friend, he was going to replace the struts on her car, and he works a lot so Sunday morning is the only time he has available. She said when I stopped by he had only been there 20 minutes. I think she's lying, but of course, I didn't actually catch them in the sack, so I just said, "Whatever".
So here's what I told her:
1. Our families will have zero "in-person" interaction while a restraining order is in place. It was ridiculous behavior. I will communicate only with email for important stuff, and perhaps phone for something quick, but I will follow it up with a confirmation email, and I won't act on it until she confirms the email so I have it in writing.
2. I will not be in a relationship where another man is involved in any way. Period. Even if the EA was ended, and they're just really good friends, she's going to have to sacrifice that relationship to be with me. It's the one thing I will not negotiate. I really don't care if that's good DBing or not.
The following items I didn't tell her, but are for me:
3. Zero contact whatsoever outside of absolute necessities
------------------------------ Positives: upon the discovery, I was messed up for a few minutes, but put a smile on my face. I took the kids later to watch some football, and helped my neighbor unload some stuff for his basement remodel. In ye oldene days, I would've been messed up for a week, yelled at W, ranted about EA, etc, etc. Because I was still laughing about the Santa Clause resemblance, my interaction was light and funny. We did email a couple times as I recapped above, but the only interaction today has been about the insurance changes. I am only concerned about the insurance changes because they would fall under the restraining order.
However, after that, zero need for contact. Hurrah!
Wasn't the guy in pajamas? Why would he show up in PJs and hide in the back yard if he just arrived to help with the car?
Finally, you sacked up and set the rules. You are in charge of this sitch now and need to continue to do so. Stand your ground this time and learn to enjoy your time.
I wasn't aware of the restraining order all of this time or I would have hit you MUCH harder with the 2x4. Be very careful here.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I kind of feel bad for my last post. I still think fixing things is always the best path. But based on what the kid said and what happened Sunday morning, I don't think your W is no where near the place she needs to be to fix things.
Usually the advice on here is to not assume the worse, but those to me are two important clues.
Just work on yourself and REALLY stay away this time and see what happens the next month or so.
If she gets pushy with the split again later, I'd seriously consider the dissolution depending on how you feel at that time. Based on what I've read, prior to Sunday you weren't ready for it. Take some time and figure out what Jon really wants.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
You need to take a step back and assess what you do really want in regard to your marriage. Take your emotions out of the equation for a moment.
It is either:
A) Yes, I want to save my marriage B) I have TRIED everything and still want out of the marriage
It seems to me that your jumbled emotions are guiding your decisions when it should be your head making a practical decision.
For these above reasons, it is why we vets all talk about "dropping the rope" constantly here in the forums. You are still hooked on W's wagon that is fishtailing all over the place with you in tow. This is what DBing is all about...dropping the rope and bust on. Not being reactive as you are apparently are at the moment.
