on the edge...

[dingo]

The weekend seemed to go pretty well. We went to a concert on Friday night and then to her Dad's and sister's houses over the weekend. Nothing really earth-shattering happened. We got along great at times - like there were no marriage issues, and she seemed distant at other times - in the past this demeanor was generally a precursor to 'i want a divorce.'

We did have a couple of brief conversations about the relationship. During the drive out, I asked her how she's doing at work. Obviously she still works with the OM so zero contact isnt exactly zero contact. She mentioned that there was some light contact something like 'what are you doing this weekend?' followed up by 'sorry - I am not supposed to ask you that.' I told her I appreciated her honesty but that type of discussion can't continue. She said she understood and is really trying but that it's difficult because they were friends before they started in on the affair. She also restated that she hopes its a non-issue soon because one of them will find another job.

The second conversation happened when she mentioned that she had an appointment with the counselor again in a week. I mentioned that maybe we should cancel it because he didn't seem to be doing us any good. She shared a few details of the last session where she told him that she's afraid i will start playing video games again (which is kind of ridiculous to me because that stopped before we even got married). I guess he told her that sooner or later someone has to make a commitment. Either it will be her, me or the OM. I asked her if that's what made her commit to ending the affair and she said no, its just something that Ive known I have to do. Hopefully that's a good sign.

We made holiday plans over the weekend, talked about the upcoming week and her surgery, possibly going down to visit her father in Florida over the winter as well as other medium-term plans for the house, etc.

Today has been a tough day for me though because she was a little distant last night and again this morning. Of course, its back to work and back to the OM. I have also found myself thinking that she's just saying what she has to say to be comfortable through her surgery recovery and then will drop the bomb all over again. Its all mind games I am playing with myself and I know I need to accept that there will be ups and downs and not try to second guess. I know that she has not packed anything or looked for an apartment so I am trying to focus on the good. Its just so hard to trust or not feel I am just waiting for the bottom to drop out again.....