Ambiv, believe me, I know you will hate to hear this, but 6 months is nothing in the MLC time zone.
I'm glad your H is reading your emails. They are good, honest communications. But I agree with Job, they are too long. My H wrote me several long ones during his two anger stages, but when I answered with emails of equal length, H told me that they were too long to read and he would delete any further emails from me unread.
You wrote "My plan IS to let go. That was my way of one last hurrah. It's out there and like I said, he can do what he wants, and will do or not do what he can." Why are you planning to let go? Do you mean to let him go? That is different. uRworthy finally beat it into my head (in a nice kind way, but it did take beating, I was so confused about it). Letting your H go means to give him the space he needs to continue on his journey - to experience the things he needs to experience, to have quiet time to himself to ponder what the heck he is doing, to experiment. He thinks something is missing from his life, he is in pain and searching for something to take the pain away. He is looking for a scapegoat to blame the pain on and choose the most convenient, closest person - YOU unfortunately.
Letting your H go does not mean to completely let go. You will still love him and be there for him when he decides that consolidating your living expenses would save money, and moves back home.
I"m sorry you are so depressed. I have been there and it is horrible. Over the past 4 years I have thought many many times that this time, this is it. H is moving on. But he does not. He hangs around. And so does your H. And over the past 4 years my H has gone thru several periods when he had no desire for me, and several periods when he was hot to trot. I agree with Job and uR, it is the depression. Hang in there A, you have been doing so well, and will be able to get yourself back on track in no time.
Please don't beat yourself up. You are such a support to all of use, I wish there was some way I could help you now.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
