WHEN PATIENCE IS LOST

[Ambivalent]

LB

It is very difficult for me to slow my thoughts down.

I do feel like a whirling d. and it is not by choice.

I am heading rapidly to 6 months and yes I feel time is running out.

I have plummeted into a severe depression and feel as if I have no control in my life. I hate the damned situation, I hate that I cannot get myself to do or enjoy anything.

I hate myself and do NOT want to be around any friends or even my two daughters.

I feel trapped in a small cage with life poking me with a stick.

I have contacted two three doctors. My g.p. to refill my scrip. Two psychologists, but no one takes our insurance, so whether or not I can go is going to be an issue.

If it's between H. going or me...I would rather he go.

I do feel as if I'm spiraling out of control, but on the outside nobody can see this.

I'm thankful for coming here, prior to , I e-mailed myself. That was how I would journal.

I wrote some pretty ugly things down.

I am exhausted, and terrified.

I have two state exams rapidly approaching and I have such a hard time concentrating on things and retaining information.

I want to cut some costs, so the finance stress is reduced. He is feeling it, but whether he believes it or not I'm internalizing all of what he is experiencing and what is on my plate too.

I am so OVERWHELMED, I don't know where to start! I'm so alone, and afraid to ask for help. I've cut myself off, and really don't feel I can ask.

I don't have immediate family I can turn to ( former birth fam ) and I feel as if I don't have any family I can talk to, because it is HIS . My two girls don't need this in their lives either.

I want to be held right now, and allowed to just cry...

I can't stop crying and I can't start doing.

I'm truly stuck.

I have an appt. with doctor for my Zoloft. I have the option of upping it. I'm afraid to do so for several reasons.

One , I don't want to gain weight
two, I am concerned about the body dependence.

I've been on it for 20 years, was hoping to get off, then the sh!t hit the fan.

God, what is happening to me? I'm so depressed and I CAN'T SNAP OUT OF IT!