Hoping to still move forward, huge setback

[chasingpavements]

cbtdad, hope you don't mind me jumping in here. the A must have been so hurtful, and such a raw spot. And having to deal with the aftermath must be so difficult. In a way it seems like she is holding it against you if you bring it up? Is that how it feels to you? I think it is healthy to have boundaries in place after that happens. Does she understand the reasons that you need those boundaries in place? What kind of boundaries have you set so far?

To me it would be reasonable to have her cut off all communication with OM and to give you complete disclosure and to be able to answer any questions that come up about her whereabouts and that sort of thing. Also to openly answer any questions you have about the A in order for yourself to understand and move forward. That is my 2 cents. Hopefully you don't mind me offering.