Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part V)

[willbwell]

AS, has your w given you the papers yet? did you get served? my h has filed. I said I did not want to be served. he texted this AM to say he'd call later about how to proceed. he justs wants to be done. he doesn't seem to care how this impacts me and kids. he doesn't want to go there. I think he expects me to just go along...I do not want to be ugly. after a year of being s, still can't keep the emotion out when discussing it. he thinks boys will be ok. has not once asked them how they feel about this. they go to dinner, lunch, movies- that's it. never hanging out time...
good job with your d. my boys know they can count on me

[AnotherStander]

D18 tried out for a job at a big local haunted attraction (Thrillvania for those who are into it, it's always ranked in the top 10 in the country). She did get the job, so she was really stoked about that, and I was too We've been going there together for the last 5 or 6 years and she has always talked about how she'd love to work there, so it's a dream-come-true for her! I talked to my brother and invited him and his 2 kids up to go there with S10, D16 and me. S10 was apprehensive about going, so I spent the last week telling him about it in as much detail as I could so he would know what to expect. He finally said that he wanted to go. So we scheduled it for next weekend. D18 worked this past Saturday night and I stayed up waiting for her to get home to talk about it afterwards. When she got home she tells me W, OM and S10 went!!! WHAT? I must have been sitting there with my mouth open, because D18 finally asked what was wrong. First I told her that W has NEVER, EVER been interested in going to a haunt with us in the past, why the sudden change of heart? Second I told her I've spent all this effort trying to get S10 interested and setting it up as a big event with family, and she basically "scooped" me. I wasn't mad, just surprised.

So the next day I invited S10 and D18 to see "Gravity" with me, neither wanted to go so what the heck, I went by myself. Very cool movie by the way. While I'm there W calls to apologize for taking S10 to Thrillvania. We talked a while, I thanked her, told her I was in the theater and would talk to her later. D16 told me later that she had given W crap for taking S10 to Thrillvania, W acted surprised that D16 thought anything of it and D16 said to her "dad has been planning this for weeks, it's (S10's) first time to go to a haunted house and now he'll remember going with you and (OM) instead of dad. You know, dad wants to do "dad things" with his kids too, it doesn't always have to be (OM)." That was Saturday night and she said W barely spoke the rest of the evening. The next morning is when W called to apologize.

D16 went on to vent more about W and how moody she's being. She also mentioned that W has not had a period in 3 months now, so she's definitely in peri-menopause which I've mentioned a few times before that I suspected (because she was having hot flashes). Now she's hot all the time too, D16 said W likes to keep the house freezing-cold. Anyway, D16 said she asks W to talk to her but W refuses, and if D16 tries to talk to her anyway W makes an excuse why they can't talk right then. D16 said if she is able to corner W and get her to talk that W will break down crying. It's almost like W and D16 have reversed roles, D16 is having to be W's mother! D16 was asking me questions about menopause- how long it lasts, will W return to "normal" afterwards, etc. I just kept telling D16 that I understood her frustration and that I am experiencing it too, and that W is going through a lot of changes and as difficult as it is, she needs to be patient with W. I also told her that as much as we'd all love to have a timeline, there isn't one. D16 said she just wants W to "go back to normal".

W has two more radiation treatments, since she elected not to have chemo she will be done after those. She showed me her burns from the treatments and ouch! They look nasty!

I guess that is the key, moving beyond what we cannot control.

Very true. We say a lot around here that we have to work on the one and only thing we can control which is- ourselves. Easier said than done though, it is extremely hard to let go of our spouses and leave them to their journey. And even now after over a year of DB'ing I STILL have to fight the urge to intervene in W's life and "fix" her. It's tough watching someone you love struggle like that.

It would LOL. Actually when I got BD from my H he told that he had planned to hand me D papers for our anniversary which was just over a week after BD. 10 months later he still hasn't filed.

It is sooooo hard not to ask about that. She said she would bring them over "next week" 3 weeks ago. Why hasn't she? Too busy? Having second thoughts? Afraid it'll turn into a confrontation? Just forgot? Who knows.

AS- My kids have similar feelings about the positive changes I've made and the negative changes my stbx has made since this all started.

Interesting, seems to be a pattern developing!

It seems to me that our culture is almost pushing divorce and making it a trendy thing to do.

I've been surprised at some people that have mentioned here that even some pastors are counseling WAS's to get out of the M. You'd think a pastor would be well-versed on the issues of only listening to one side of a story.

Also how kids from divorced families are fine after a year....

I'm one of those kids, and I was not fine after a year, or five or ten, or even now 30+ years later. I still harbor a lot of traumatic memories from that time in my life.

AS, I wanted to stop by to say thank you for posting on my thread and for being there with support and advice throughout my long journey. I caught up w your sitch and it seems you continue being strong and a role model for your children.

Thank you

I agree w 7720 that the media plays a huge role in the way young people (and not-so-young people) view D.

That and peer pressure. There are plenty of enablers that a WAS can surround themselves with who will tell them that leaving is the answer. That's what happened to my mom, everything seemed fine until she went back to work after 10+ years of being a SAHM. At first she'd come home and at dinner would share stories about the single, separated and D'd women at work and the fantastic, exciting lives they were leading. Then she became increasingly withdrawn until she didn't even have dinner with us anymore, would come home from work and lock herself in the bedroom. Then she left without warning. She eventually tried to reconcile, but dad was so angry and bitter over it that he told her to get out and stay out.

AS, has your w given you the papers yet? did you get served? my h has filed.

I still don't have them. W said her L filed the initial petition nearly 2 months ago, but my understanding is that I have to be served by the court unless I sign a waiver which I did not (I told W I would, but she never gave me one to sign). So this makes me wonder if the petition was indeed filed.

he justs wants to be done. he doesn't seem to care how this impacts me and kids. he doesn't want to go there. I think he expects me to just go along...I do not want to be ugly.

Very sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately most WAS's don't really concern themselves with what the impact is to anyone but themselves, either that or they build a fantasy that D will make things better for everyone.

My W's dad divorced her mom a year before he died

Woah! That has to be difficult on her mom, would be tough to find closure after that.

[7720]

How do you deal with this limbo? It makes it really hard for me to plan my life if any day I could be getting served papers and then having to sell the house adjust finances etc...I guess your hobby helps you. Sounds fun! A little expensive if you crash a lot! Can you get insurance for that? Any way take care...

[AnotherStander]

How do you deal with this limbo? It makes it really hard for me to plan my life if any day I could be getting served papers and then having to sell the house adjust finances etc...

Well, I'm not really in limbo because I've moved on and am living my life. I do still leave the door open to consider a possible reconciliation in the future, but for now W clearly isn't even in the ballpark regarding that. So onward I go We've been S'd over a year and we divided up everything except the house at that time, so the only thing that remains is that I'll have to take out a sizable loan to compensate her for her house equity (the house is paid for). That's already factored into my budget so whenever the D happens it's covered.

Sounds fun! A little expensive if you crash a lot!

It's a blast, and when you really get into it you get to know others who are into it as well, and its a close-knit group. The technology has gotten to the point where it's no longer costly to put a plane together, and once you learn how to make repairs the crashing isn't a big deal, most crashes are repairable. Most of my planes are balsa that I built up from kits and I tend to fly constant aerobatics on the hairy edge and so have crashed most of them, LOL! But once they're repaired you really can't tell.

Can you get insurance for that? Any way take care...

Not for your plane, but anyone can join the AMA and you automatically get coverage that covers damage you might cause to property (or invidivuals) if you crash. Most clubs and fly-ins require all pilots to be AMA members for that reason.

[willbwell]

Hi AS, I want your good advice..h asked me how I wanted to get the papers. I told him I did not want to be served. On the one hand, I feel I am making this so easy for him. he is getting what he wants-D. I get nothing of what I want...On the other hand, I have chosen to not be ugly, to act with dignity. Really I am sad for h that he thinks D is the only option. I know I cannot stop him. I do validate and say I am sorry that you feel this way h. We will continue to be in pretty much daily contact due to kids.
My way of moving on is I am taking classes so I can get a job(hopefully!)

[AnotherStander]

W finished her radiation treatments last Tuesday so she's finished with the cancer treatments now. D16 invited her out to dinner with us that evening but W already had plans. D16 assumed it was with OM and got pretty angry over it. She vented a bit to me and S10 overheard. Later he was acting sad and I asked him why and he said "because mom is going out on a date with (OM)". I explained to him that we didn't know who she was going out with, just that she had "other plans". He seemed OK after that. Lesson learned, just because he's in another room doesn't mean he's not listening! Anyway, while W was doing her "other plans", D16, S10 and I went to the store and got some stuff to decorate her house, then went over and hung pink balloons, streamers, flags and a custom banner that said "Congratulations mom!" D16 also had a great idea, we took two cupcakes and frosted one white and the other black and put Hershey kisses on them for nipples, then drew W on a piece of paper with a bubble that said "Yay, I'm done!" The cupcakes were the boobs on the drawing. The black/ white thing is a reference to a joke W kept making about her having one white boob and one black and purple one (from the radiation). W called all of us later to thank us for doing that, and she thought the boob thing was hilarious

I talked to her last night and she said her energy levels are coming back up. She did look and sound more peppy.

My brother and his kids came to visit last weekend so we could all go see D18 working at Thrillvania. We went Saturday night and had a blast! I can't remember if I mentioned before but S10 and I made a costume for him, it took a couple of weeks and is a character called "Pyro" from a video game called "Team Fortress 2". S10 wanted to wear the costume there and he was a huge hit! He had a gas mask on and people didn't know what to think, they seemed to alternate between scared/ freaked out and overcome with feelings of cuteness, LOL! Countless girls posed with him to have their pictures taken. He totally ate up all the attention I texted W and told her about it while it was taking place, she wanted me to send her some pics but it was too dark for my phone's camera to capture anything.

W and I traded some emails last week regarding Thanksgiving and Christmas plans. We'll be doing Thanksgiving separately like we did last year. The girls want to do Christmas together, so we'll probably do that at my house on Christmas morning. I asked W the status of the D paperwork, it's been a month since she said she would bring the papers by "next week". She said that she reviewed the papers and wanted to change a few things, but hasn't felt like dealing with it lately. I didn't press for any info beyond that.

I told him I did not want to be served. On the one hand, I feel I am making this so easy for him.

I know it seems that way, but when the LBS digs in their heels and tries to delay the process, all it does is just make the WAS angry and spiteful. A story I sometimes share is back when I was dating, I broke up with a girl who then went into full pursuit mode. The more she pursued the more I just wanted her gone! Another time I broke up with a girl who just said she understood and that it was probably for the best and went on her merry way. I soon found myself wondering why she was so eager to end things, and I ended up pursuing her! The point I'm trying to make is if you make things difficult you just come off looking like the needy, desperate spouse who can't live without the WAS. But if you don't stand in the way, then you maintain dignity and he will admire and respect you for it, if not now then later. I'm not saying to help with the divorce, I'm just saying not to interfere with it.

Really I am sad for h that he thinks D is the only option. I know I cannot stop him. I do validate and say I am sorry that you feel this way h. We will continue to be in pretty much daily contact due to kids.

It's tough to validate when we're in such a painful sitch, but it's the right thing to do. Hang in there! And remember that D isn't the end, it's your choice how long you want to hold onto hope.

[BrightFuture]

AS, it is great that you’ve doing all these things for your W, supporting her during these times. Your kids are lucky to have you. Actually, I would say that your W is very lucky too, but for some reason she chooses not to see it.

Thanks for stopping by at my last thread, which locked right after you posted. So, I was not able to reply to your post. I’ve moved to the Midlife Crisis forum with my new thread and answered your last post to me over there. I don’t know if you ever go to that forum, but thanks again for your insights.

[AnotherStander]

Last week was W's week to have the kids. She was coming to pick S10 up after school one day and actually called and asked me if I wanted her to bring me some food, I almost dropped the phone! I did take her up on that, when she dropped it off I gave her a hug and thanked her for being thoughtful. It was the first nice gesture from her in ages, albeit a small one.

Even though D19 has been working at Thrillvania, she hasn't gotten to see the whole park because she works one particular area. She didn't have to work last night so I took her, D16, S10 and one of D16's friends. We went out to dinner afterwards, it was a really fun evening It was rainy all weekend so I mostly just hung out indoors, put the Halloween decorations out and did something I haven't done in ages- played a video game, "The Last Of Us" on PS3 for those in the know Very cool game!

D19 has been staying with me every time she comes in town which has been every weekend since she's been working. I haven't pressured her to stay with me or anything, but she's been choosing to. I've mentioned before that both girls hate talking about our sitch, so I haven't asked why she's suddenly going to W's less. W invited her to lunch yesterday with our other kids and with OM. I overheard D16 last night telling her friend that apparently W and OM got in a tiff and OM ended up not going to lunch with them. W came by my house later to drop off some of the kids' stuff and had some kind of decorated object in her van, I asked her what it was and she said it was for OM's bday. It was a 12 pack of beer with some streamers and stuff on it. W and I always spent big bucks on each other on bdays, so I thought it was odd that OM just gets beer, not sure what to make of that (if anything). Maybe he really is just a friend like she's been saying all along, that seems more like a gift W would give one of her friends than a romantic interest. Who knows.

AS, it is great that you’ve doing all these things for your W, supporting her during these times. Your kids are lucky to have you. Actually, I would say that your W is very lucky too, but for some reason she chooses not to see it.

Thank you, that's very nice of you

I’ve moved to the Midlife Crisis forum with my new thread and answered your last post to me over there. I don’t know if you ever go to that forum, but thanks again for your insights.

I don't, but I'll go find your thread.

[2old]

Wow AS, do you think there may be a slow "thaw" in the works with your sitch?

[sayitaintso]

Glad you had a great evening w/ the kids.

My s17 rarely goes to my stbx's and doesn't see her much. Like your older ones, he hates to talk about the sitch so I don't discuss it unless their is something I really feel he needs to know.

I don't want to influence their relationship and it can be tough to balance supporting and encouraging it when she doesn't make that much effort (IMO). I'm hopeful their relationship can improve but its out of my hands.