Questions on the 37 rules and other advice...

[S4tk]

I think the hardest part of this is the subtle difference between manipulation and a self-motivated 180. This is especially relevant as I consider whether to draw a line in the sand for her in terms of what I require in order for her to stay.

On one hand, I think that if I tell her that she either needs to choose to stop pursuing her imaginary better life, and engage with me as a W again - kindness, warmth, emotional and eventually physical intimacy, etc... OR I need her to choose to move out... I think the process of her moving out and all of the conversations about children visits, finances, etc., would have a good chance after some months to give her perspective and possibly space she needs to love again. I will call this the hand of manipulation.

On the other hand, from my faith I am taught to endure all things in love, and to bear with a lack of love, returning forgiveness and grace. In other words, I cannot honestly do the above (the first "hand" scenario) for ME, because I believe the most "true to myself" sitch for me is to continue to endure this strange situation.

So the problem with the first "hand" is that it is probably stemming from a manipulative desire to fix her more quickly.

The problem with the second is that I am having a hard time figuring out how to go dim or dark or do appropriate 180s in a situation where we are living together and interacting several times a day. It is also draining to have to see her every day and not treat her like my W.

Caught between a rock and a hard place.

My IC suggests that I choose a third way, which he is calling the way of the heart. This is because my avoidance of emotions, which he has gone so far as to call a contempt for feeling, has been part of what has brought us to this point. I have done a poor job of providing empathy and understanding to my W. For this reason, he thinks going dark or dim might go against the 180 of finding my emotional self again and learning how to not hate emotion. He feels this is the most important 180 I can pursue, both for myself and any hope for restoration in the M.