The Big Chill

[uRworthy]

Oh Pud, this is so hard, I know.

You are doing great. May I just make a suggestion? Dont say things like that to him about his brow. I know you mean well, but, they dont take it that way. Doesnt really serve any purpose, right?

Try to keep busy. Be kind to yourself today, sweetie.

(((hugs)))

[Pudmuddle]

You know that is so true. Even after I mentioned it, it seemed like there was no purpose to what I had just said. I just couldn't stop notice his brow, LOL!!!

I will do good stuff for me today. HUGS uR.

[job]

Pudmuddle,
The brow thing could be a new quirk of his while in mlc. They do tend to pick up habits that they've never had before. LOL!

I think you are doing great.

[BrightFuture]

Pud, why did you say that H stopped caring so long ago when you mentioned the motorcycle ride event? Maybe he assumes that you just don’t want to go. Sometimes we are making assumptions that are not true. I know I was like that.

I hope you feel better today.

[Dragon Heart]

Pud, my heart goes out to you. I'm away from the keyboard a few days and a lifetime has passed. I see your emotions ebb and flow. I can only assume this is normal, part of the process. I can feel indifferent one day, positive the next, and weeping the day after. I can sympathize that it feels like we have to be the strong one while everyone else is free to crash. My father passed away in March and my mother can still become overwhelmed and self absorbed. So here I am, trying to save my M, trying to be strong and positive, while the women close to me are all over the place. I keep making a brave show of things, looking positive, while privately I am wondering how to put humpty-dumpty together again.

As difficult as things are, I envy you. Having regular interactions, even illusions of a family. I sometimes get the impression from my W that she feels her moving out is an obstacle our R cannot overcome. The last thing anyone wants is for our adult problems to impact the children in our lives. Sadly, that is not something I have to worry about.

I'm not suggesting how you should feel or respond. I have come to believe that is for each of us to discover and decide. I would only suggest that even in the dark, there is some light. Words I have to try and convince myself of.

[Pudmuddle]

Yeah BF, guilty as charged. But he is assuming too, lol.

I guess that is one of my goals, to eventually have him ask me to go do something with him.

[Pudmuddle]

Dragon, thank you a bunch for coming by my thread. I have been a serious seesaw of emotions the past week. I have gotten out things I needed to get out. So I know this will help me heal, able to detach more and really take care of me for a change.

You're right, I do have a family setting even if it is an illusion at the moment. It's something. I know it may have to get worse before it gets better but that's ok. I feel like I can be better each time, going forward. Just remember to take care of you ok?

[Feenix]

Hey Pudmuddle,

Just checking in from a loooooonnnnggggg weekend over here in Crazyville.

When I feel like having a good cry, I lock the bathroom door (so my kids don't walk in on my pity party), sit in the shower with hot water pouring down on me, and just sob to my heart's content until I feel peace wash over me. It does help to just "get it out" sometimes.

We can't be made of stone every minute of everyday.

Hope you got some sadness/emotions out of your system so you can have a FABULOUS week! You deserve it!

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Ang. HUGS to ya.

Yesterday was ok. After they left I took a long hot shower, no crying this time. Then I fixed myself up and dressed nicely and then went out to, wait for it... the...library. lol. I went and found the book Codependent No More, an awesome book. I saw lots of my behaviors in there. I knew I was a codependent being an adult child of an alcoholic. My mother was/is an alcoholic but has been recovered for 30+ years. Now I realize both my H and I are codependent on each other and that can be tough. Not sure why he is a codependent, I will have to find that out some day. Very interesting read, especially the Detachment chapter. I also realized I had stood up to my mother just the other day, when she asked me to help my brother deal with his marriage sitch right now. I told her no, that this was his problem and I couldn't do that right now. She even tried to persuade me to meet him for lunch and talk about our issues. She has always done this with me, asked me to do things to help solve situations out of her own guilt. She even asked me to go and help her mom, my grandma, out when she had heart issues and needed someone to stay with her for a bit. My mom arranged everything for me to visit her out of her own guilt of not being able to deal with her mom emotionally. Even when her mom had serious heart issues and needed help!! Explains a lot.

I was gone for quite a while, read the whole book! But it was nice being out and doing something different. While I was there my H sent me a text about our S going to spend the night at his friend's house. At first this made me a little nervous as I thought Oughtoh, now H can have a "talk" with me. But then I realized if it was going to happen it would and it may not even happen, so I put the kabosh on the worry.

Then I got home and told H I got his text about S. I also told him that S and I had a rule that he could not do this kind of thing until his D and F grades improved to Cs. He had 3 classes like this and has since improved two of them to Cs. H was kind of surprised that he didn't know this. But then I said to H "I also realize I may not have shared this with you, so you didn't know what the rule was" Even though I HAVE told him this twice now...but you know the mlc brain, he forgot that I had told him this before. Then I said I was sure S had asked him because he was trying to bend the rules. H said "well should I talk to him about this?" I said "Well you didn't know, and you've already told him he could go, so it's up to you". He decided he would talk to S. He called S upstairs and talked to him very rationally and calmly about bending the rules and how that wasn't right and that since he had brought up his two grades and really shown an effort, that we would allow it this time, but one time only. I for once, did not interfere with his being the disciplinarian, (180) and just let him work with our S. I was actually very impressed with the way H handled it. I just nodded in agreement with what he was saying to show my support. H even stuck up for me and the rules I was setting. He hadn't done that in the past either. It was kind of awesome. Before, H would have been a lot more critical and harsh. Could he be changing?????? I only hope.

I asked H if they had eaten and he said they hadn't. I then went into the kitchen and he mentioned some suggestions for dinner. I then asked "So do you want me to make it or?" He said"Well sure, or I can if you want". I didn't say anything, but he also did not leap off the couch to actually make it, so I just went about my biz. It felt kind of door-matty but I didn't care either, we needed to eat. I would have made a big stink before.

Then I asked if he could take S today to his ortho appointment since I have a dentist appointment around the same time. He said Sure and seemed happy that I had actually asked him to help with S's appointments, since I have been doing most of these by myself. Hey, if we're going to be separated I need to take care of things myself right? He actually talked more after that so I know it made him feel good.

So S didn't leave until late, but I just went upstairs to my room and read some more and watched tv. H came upstairs once, and my heart skipped some beats, lol, but he only checked S's room and turned things off, then went back downstairs. Whew. LOL.

This morning, I had my light on in my room again and was reading. H poked his head up the stairwell and said "Hey J, have a good day. And I'll take B to his ortho appointment". I said "Ok, great. You have a good day too and stay warm". He then laughed at how he'd asked S to look for his retainer and S said he couldn't find it. I said "Oh boy..." and laughed. We both laughed because S is always not able to find things, even though they may be right in front of him. (Kind of like an Mlc'er!! haha). H then asked if I could feed S's fish and I said sure.

So it was all good, and no negative stuff. So far this week is off to a good start. SIGH.

[Pudmuddle]

Oh, I forgot to mention, I didn't tell him where I went that afternoon, nor did I tell him when I returned home. He did ask a bit later, kind of hesitantly "So...where did you go?" I said I went to the library. He seemed kind of relieved, lol. Then he got a happy look on his face and started chatting about which library and where all the libraries were. I think he was actually worried about if I was out with someone else, at least that's the way it seemed. Because he perked right up after I told him it was the library. Interesting.