roz-for the past three years, I have always been the one who started to converstations about going to counseling/trying to get back together. Then I dropped it and he made the suggestion to get back together. Well, he put it, we spend so much time together, I still love you, your are a good person and a wonderful mother. Our daughter is not 18 yet and still needs you. I could date but I don't want too. I took all this as 1. since daughter isn't an adult yet, lets play family or hey dating is a pain when you have a child, my schedule is so busy, we spend all our time together so lets get back together. When I suggested we get back together, I actually never once mentioned our d, I told him how again how sorry I was and sorry for all my mistakes and that he is a wonderful person and I still love him and he is a wonderful father. He has come along way and spending more time with us. So I am excited that we are going to counseling, I am sure it will come out in counseling. He suggested that I call around for counselors. So I did and scheduled appts. I had read the db book, on 2nd time and ex isn't a reader, so when I brought over the tapes, I gave him and went over the scheduled appts, gave him dr.s # and directions. Then I told him how I read the db book, but figured that since he was not a reader, listening to audio tapes might be easier for him. I told him how the db book really helped me and the the tapes were recommended by the author of the db book. He said okay. I am trying to give this my 100%
halo, among the reasons I told roz, ex also said that its the right thing to do, we made a commitment to God. We dated for 8 years, both of us were not allowed to date until we were 18. We were both eachothers first boy/girlfriend and first kiss and sexual experience. We got a chance to live away from home to go to college, I stayed and went to college in town. This is the first time I have ever been on my own. We were together for 8 years and everyone was getting married (friends) and we were like we both want the same things, both were Catholic and wanted kids, so we got married. I think I am more confused then angry rigth now. It would be healthy for our d for us to get back together. Its I think extremly hard to date when you have a child. So why can't the parents of this child work things out. Step parents--its just not the same as the orginal family, if you know what I mean.
Anitasues,I am starting to understand your reasons for getting back together. IMO It is the right thing to do. I read the message you posted to Roz and I understand how you feel about being the one for so long to talk about the R and Counseling. I too, like many many others here, did this for a long time. Your situation shows how doing a 180 definatly changes things. Things are looking up! So this is the first time you have been on your own? Wow what a transition. I do not have kids of my own but I do have single parent friends that agree dating is hard when you are a single parent. I think dating is hard just being a single woman. I forgot how difficult men can be. lol I was not trying to question your reasons for wanting to take back your M, I just wanted to understand more about the history of your R. You and your H have so much history together. This is a great thing!!! IMO- I would not bring up the tapes or your reading the books. From what you have said here he responds better when he thinks its his ideas. Let him be the one to come to you about the tapes. Be there to discuss them when he wants to. I know this is going to be hard. Shoot everything we are dealing with now is hard! So have you found a C ya'll both agree on? Are ya'll going as a couple and separate, or just as a couple? You had said that you are going to a C by yourself. How is that going? XOXO, Halo
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
hey halo--I know that you just wanted to find out more, I don't even remember where I posted the first time I came here! I like your quote in the end.. "Sometimes you have to look really hard to see hwat others see from miles away!! how true! Dating nowadays no matter kids or no kids--its hard! but yeah, I had a lot of changes at once, the ex told me to move out and we were fighting for a week when I was going to move out, then 2 days later, my company downsized and I lost my job of 16 yrs. So I really can say that I am starting over!!! I went to my parents house for a week (grandmother became ill and moved in with us) but OM kept offering his place--heck I thought I was in love. So I went to OM and for the past three years I have been saving and saving. I went from a $16 per hr to a $9 per hour job. I can understand why ex didn't want to work things out with me while I was living with OM, but he knew I walked away with nothing--I mean nothing from the d and I uesed to hint around to live upstairs in our new home (4 bedrooms--only two used, but he never took the bait, But ya know thats okay because now I can say I did this all on my own--everything I now own is mine, I paid cash for everything. I think ex is a little disappointed that I have a lease. We were talking about apts (he or should I say we own a two family that he rents out) and it can out that I have a lease and he was like its not month to month?, which is what he has. But he came over to visit me and he was really impressed. I guess see is believing. I asked him if he wanted a male or female and he said that it didn't matter. WE are going as a couple. It was so hard--all the counselors under his insurance were booked up!! Alot of people are going through this too! I am actually done with my individual counseling and I feel good about myself now. All this reminds me, when we were married I used to always go credit card crazy and we were seeing a counselor while married and for our anni. I made a happy anniversary card with pieces from all my cards that I had cut up. I think I really blew his mind, because when he came to visit--I bragged how I paid for it without credit cards!
Very good progress. You have started over, I am glad to hear you are feeling good about yourself. Thats wonderful Being free from Credit cards must feel great. One day I will have that feeling. lol
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
good morning halo-well, I guess I'm alright. I haven't had much sleep though. I keep lying in bed thinking about how I hate the new house that ex is in and that I don't really want to get back there (don't know why I am doing that--we haven't even started counseling yet!) I drove to work today thinking about how much his family does not like me anymore (I know who cares what they think) How since once we were married the sex wasn't great anymore. Just all these negative things like should I go back. Will it be better. Our first apt is May 16. In fact, last night, I get d and he worked over this brothers new house. D doesn't like to sleep over my place so I brought her back to ex's house a 9 p.m. so she could get ready for bed. He didn't get home until 10:15 p.m. I hate waiting for him to come home in his, formally my home. He thnaked me for staying, two time in a week. then asked me when our first session was--hey he's thinking about it-wow. I told him I would have to check my calendar I couldn't remember if it was may 15 or 16. I felt like saying if you opened the bag with the tapes, I told you that I taped our counseling appts to the cover of the tapes. Put I didn't. Today, I guess is just a doubting day. maybe I just expect everything to be perfect, heck I don't know. Its just so sad, he busted his butt on the house, never spent time with d and me and now I look around and he doesn't use the fireplace which we spent hrs. picking out the stones for it. I spent back breaking weekends splitting and stacking wood with him and now he doesn't use the fireplace and gave all the wood to his brother. They all watch t.v.in the bedroom--great room isn't used. everything he worked for, he isn't using. okay I'm done with the self pity thanks for listening!
Quote: I taped our counseling appts to the cover of the tapes
Anita, not sure what tapes you talking about, but the tapes that made the light bulb go off for me is the MARS/VENUS SERIES, the trick her is to listen to them together and in a quiet location. Have D somewhere else. Play the tapes for 15 mins then talk about it. The key here is the tapes will create lots of convo's, which is how this stuff is fixed.
Anita... I haven't followed your thread in quite some time, but girl... I am proud of you!! Been on a bit of a mission regarding my ex, so I haven't prowled the boards as I usually do. You rock.
Don't be afraid here... what will be will be, and your H is willing to work things through. I agree with Poe, don't let insurance determine who you see as a C or therapist. Most are willing to work with you financially if you're upfront and honest (before you walk into the office and start ringing up a bill) to negotiate payment with you. Mine is, thank gawd!!! She does accept my insurance, but my insurance only pays a small portion of the bill.
Good luck... wish I had some advice for you. But all I can do is offer my support and encouragement. This is great news!! Sorry though to hear about your dog. I know how hard it is to lose a pet, and you showed your understanding and compassion the way you handled that situation.
The tapes are the "keeping Love Alive" series that I got from this board. They came in this huge container. I scheduled a month worth of appts. I made a list with the dates and times for ex and taped them to the container containing the tapes. He asked me again this weekend when was our first session again. I told him the first week of May. I will tell him stuff and about a week later he asks me again. So, like he pays the monthly fee for d dance, so I typed out a payment schedule for the year for him with the amounts. then I ask do you understand this list, can you read it type questions and he says yes, but then always ends up asking me. In our marriage there were things that I just assumed he would know what to do , he is an adult. I felt like I should not have to tell him to do every little thing. example: on Sat. I would go to church at 4 p.m. because when our d was first born that was her nap time, so perfect. It would be just me and her, ex would be doing things around the house and not want to wash up to come with me. I told him that I missed him in church and that I wanted us to go as a family, but understood that sometimes things needed to be done around the house. Well, for the next four years we all went to church separately. When we went to the counselor, this issue came up and he was like well why didn't you tell me. My answer was like I told you years ago. I didn't want to keep reminding him, he is not my child. He is already asking me about the sessions. I think that I will tell him one more time and thats it. The day before the session, I am not going to remind him, I think he needs to take some responsiblity.
