WHEN PATIENCE IS LOST

[uRworthy]

A, I am so sorry. I can feel your pain. And I know that you love your h so much.

Here's the thing. He cant hear you. He just can't right now. He may even get angry that you said it is a MLC or depression.

That's because he is in crisis. But, he is asking you for space and you are not hearing him. He needs you to, sweetie.

All the stuff he is telling you it's about, is stuff that can be fixed. All of it. Those reasons are his way of coping with the fact that he cant face the real reasons of why he feels the way he does.

I know it's so hard to get your mind around. I know you are thinking, if I just love him enough, it will be ok.

The thing about his desire, that is depression speaking and can be fixed.

I know you are in school. But is there a way for you to work part time? Forgive me if you have addressed this already. Is there a way for you to figure out how to cut costs in the household?

It is time for you to let him go. That doesnt mean you stop loving him, it doesnt mean you dont care. It is really the ultimate act of love. Allowing him the time and space he asked for to figure himself out.

They do things in this crisis that are completely out of the character. They are trying really hard to work through stuff.

You have had years with this man. Can you give him some time to work this out?

That is the way to honor your marriage.

I know it is so hard. I do. But I know that you can do this.

This is a journey he was meant to go on. But it is a journey for you, too.

If you allow him to walk his, and you walk yours, I promise you will not regret it no matter how it turns out.

Lovingly let him go. That means not allowing his actions or words to affect yours. It means that you love him enough to want him happy and whole no matter what.

You have said all you want to say. He has heard it. No need to say it all again.

Time to move forward with your life.

You will get through this. Trust the process.

Leave him to this, A. Your job is to get out of the way.

[Ambivalent]

He may even get angry that you said it is a MLC or depression.

He has mentioned this before. He has been the one to bring up mlc, so I'm really not afraid of anger on this. I do not expect him to even reply to the note, for it wasn't something that warranted one.

I have a part time job, am going to school, taking dance and doing other things as well.

My plan IS to let go. That was my way of one last hurrah. It's out there and like I said, he can do what he wants, and will do or not do what he can.

There are more times of lucidity with him than average. He does hear things, and rereads the emails sent. It was worth a try, for if I didn't and he did something to himself I would never forgive myself.

He has guns and hunts, it is a real possibility. I don't think he would ever do it, but one doesn't know. Especially with depression. He will be alone in the woods when the season opens up, he will have hours of nothing but thinking,so if he gets angry so be it. Sometimes one has to take a chance. It's done.

[Ambivalent]

I just noticed he reread my response to his email to me.

This is good, perhaps he may answer a question or two. If he doesn't at least he read that I was listening and validating what he wrote.

He also opened and read the " just a thought " email. Knowing him, he will look up the symptoms. This is why I did not list them. There are check list tests.

It is time for me to get into the doc myself, I'm in a severe one presently. Not that much more can be done...I'm working out regularly, and
it looks like skipping yesterday wasn't the best idea, I was just SO exhausted. I needed to just curl up and get everything out, cry, cuddle with my little babies.

Tomorrow night is dance class. I enjoy the class, but it does feel odd having men touch me and be in such close proximity. It hurts at the same time.

Guess I better get used to it. S I G H

[willbwell]

Ambivalent,
The AD that I take helps me feel more balanced, but it is not a cure for a broken heart.
Our hearts are broken right now. I know for me, all I can do is pray a lot and take it a day at a time.
I believe my h is also in depression. There is a family history. He will not recognize it.
All my h wants is to 'move forward'. Sad to me what collateral damage his moving forward brings.
I think h feels I am a burden and family life is no fun.
I am so thankful to be in classes right now. I recently signed up for dance lessons too! Can't wait to start. My days are pretty full though.
If only they would...but they wont
wishing you peace

[job]

I think one of the reasons that your h continues to re-read your emails is because they are too long. Mlcers can't focus on more than several sentences at a time. When the messages are long, they have to go back many times and re-read them in order to fully understand what you or any one else has sent. There are even times, that they just skip around in the message and focus on certain words and then there are other times that they will read one or two lines and not go any further.

Keep the focus on you and your family and allow God to do his work. You have to have faith in the system and allow the time and space to do the work. It does work if you step back and allow him to focus on himself.

Take care of yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't break him, therefore you can fix and/or cure him. He has to do that all by himself.

[Ambivalent]

Job,

Could be, however the last two were: his email quotes w/ validation or asking to hear more

And the last one was actually VERY brief for me! lol

I will definitely concur with the moving around the page or focusing on words, ESPECIALLY in the beginning. I could see he would perseverate on a phrase or word, then take great offense or think the worst.

Barely does that anymore, we agreed to ask before jumping to conclusions.


He has said in the past and I concurred with him, he likes writing to me , he found it easier and more cathartic.

I am the same way. We both agreed we could read and re-read what we wrote, and edit our thoughts.

We both choose what we say v e r y carefully.

I'm not prepared to do anymore at present.

Got things off my shrinking chest, the sun will be out today! I'm going outside, to get as much D and mood lifting as possible.

We really aren't anywhere worse than we were. In fact, we are actually better than when the BD'd.

He is not resentful or short towards me. He is actually very kind and loving.

I believe he is trying to figure out the sex thing, 'cause it is really puzzling him. If he didn't care, why bother?

The admitting that I looked great, and then the immediate...but I'm not sexually attracted was interesting. I'm wondering if it is true or he's covering something.

He peeks at my body a lot...you know what I mean, the eyes moving up and down over your body when he doesn't think you are looking?

Other men do this too, but I could care less about them.

I wish a guy would jump in here and give me their perspective...I know you guys are reading, it isn't just us gals on the board...

My 180's should be about money.

Selling stuff, getting rid of stuff,
looking for more employment
The cable he has set up , I've always thought was too much! That can be downsized considerably
And the storage facility has to be gotten rid of, that's another thing that I thought was just too much!

I need to tell my oldest daughter to stop looking to us/dad as a security net.

How do I tell her this ? She is 26 and this cheap car he bought, was still money we don't have. I KNOW it makes him feel good to give it to her, but it also makes her really dependent on him. That is still stress.

My other daughter is working and going to school full time, plus the treasurer of a sorority.



I should start working on the beds, and then think of what to do with the crap in the storage unit.

[LoisB]

Ambi,

I'm exhausted just reading.

I sense you are feeling a bit like a whirling dervish. You need to pace yourself. You are a runner. Think of this as the beginning of the race. You are going to wear yourself out before you reach the first 1/4 mile.

SLOOOOOOOWWWWWW Downnnnnn...

It will be ok. If you have a cat, spend time with your cat today. Just be.

Your H isn't himself. Take some deep breaths and pull the focus back to you. He needs some time and space to figure this out. Just for the next five minutes, try to think about what YOU need to get through today.

Breathe.

It will be ok. Really.

Heather

[Ambivalent]

LB

It is very difficult for me to slow my thoughts down.

I do feel like a whirling d. and it is not by choice.

I am heading rapidly to 6 months and yes I feel time is running out.

I have plummeted into a severe depression and feel as if I have no control in my life. I hate the damned situation, I hate that I cannot get myself to do or enjoy anything.

I hate myself and do NOT want to be around any friends or even my two daughters.

I feel trapped in a small cage with life poking me with a stick.

I have contacted two three doctors. My g.p. to refill my scrip. Two psychologists, but no one takes our insurance, so whether or not I can go is going to be an issue.

If it's between H. going or me...I would rather he go.

I do feel as if I'm spiraling out of control, but on the outside nobody can see this.

I'm thankful for coming here, prior to , I e-mailed myself. That was how I would journal.

I wrote some pretty ugly things down.

I am exhausted, and terrified.

I have two state exams rapidly approaching and I have such a hard time concentrating on things and retaining information.

I want to cut some costs, so the finance stress is reduced. He is feeling it, but whether he believes it or not I'm internalizing all of what he is experiencing and what is on my plate too.

I am so OVERWHELMED, I don't know where to start! I'm so alone, and afraid to ask for help. I've cut myself off, and really don't feel I can ask.

I don't have immediate family I can turn to ( former birth fam ) and I feel as if I don't have any family I can talk to, because it is HIS . My two girls don't need this in their lives either.

I want to be held right now, and allowed to just cry...

I can't stop crying and I can't start doing.

I'm truly stuck.

I have an appt. with doctor for my Zoloft. I have the option of upping it. I'm afraid to do so for several reasons.

One , I don't want to gain weight
two, I am concerned about the body dependence.

I've been on it for 20 years, was hoping to get off, then the sh!t hit the fan.

God, what is happening to me? I'm so depressed and I CAN'T SNAP OUT OF IT!

[RosaLinda]

Ambiv, believe me, I know you will hate to hear this, but 6 months is nothing in the MLC time zone.

I'm glad your H is reading your emails. They are good, honest communications. But I agree with Job, they are too long. My H wrote me several long ones during his two anger stages, but when I answered with emails of equal length, H told me that they were too long to read and he would delete any further emails from me unread.

You wrote "My plan IS to let go. That was my way of one last hurrah. It's out there and like I said, he can do what he wants, and will do or not do what he can." Why are you planning to let go? Do you mean to let him go? That is different. uRworthy finally beat it into my head (in a nice kind way, but it did take beating, I was so confused about it). Letting your H go means to give him the space he needs to continue on his journey - to experience the things he needs to experience, to have quiet time to himself to ponder what the heck he is doing, to experiment. He thinks something is missing from his life, he is in pain and searching for something to take the pain away. He is looking for a scapegoat to blame the pain on and choose the most convenient, closest person - YOU unfortunately.

Letting your H go does not mean to completely let go. You will still love him and be there for him when he decides that consolidating your living expenses would save money, and moves back home.

I"m sorry you are so depressed. I have been there and it is horrible. Over the past 4 years I have thought many many times that this time, this is it. H is moving on. But he does not. He hangs around. And so does your H. And over the past 4 years my H has gone thru several periods when he had no desire for me, and several periods when he was hot to trot. I agree with Job and uR, it is the depression. Hang in there A, you have been doing so well, and will be able to get yourself back on track in no time.

Please don't beat yourself up. You are such a support to all of use, I wish there was some way I could help you now.

[willbwell]

doesn't have to be the same AD. I have had success with viibrand. no weight gain, made a difference. I didn't want to be on something but came to realize it helps me and I am ok taking it right now. Doesn't mean I'll take it forever.I don't know if you belong to some kind of church or synagogue, but even if not. They have resourses to help. I attend a divorce and separated group at a church I don't go to. It helps so much! We are all in the same boat. I can share and not feel like I am burdening my friends once again. Please look into something like that.