Unlearning conflict avoidance - 8

[adinva]

Validating and agreeing are not the same. You are sometimes validating her statements that are putting you down, by agreeing with them. That isnt db either, luke. Validate the emotion not the content. For example when she said you mimicked her when you acted cultured, possibly you could say, that sounds frustrating. I dont see it that way, but i can hear how frustrated you sound.

Of course then she'll say something downright cruel and you have to put a stop to it then and there.

So validating isnt completely useless, but its gotta be just recognizing HER emotion, i dont think you've done much of that over the years because you tend to focus on content over emotion.

I think it is interesting that in a backhanded way she pointed out that you do show some qualities that she admires. Although she thinks they originated in HER, and wants to put that aspect down, it did sound for a moment that she viewed you sort of positively for a second there. Keep working on standing up for yourself.

And no, dont explain how you were cultured before. Explaining that looks weak. And opens the issue up for her to disagree with and argue the new points you raised. When you argue, i'll wager, she never comes out having more respect for you than before. Shrugging off her ridiculous statement with a confident chuckle is better because she cant argue with that.