Generally, we don't tell them what is wrong w/them unless they ask us for our opinion. Why? Because mlcers are very strong willed and will not truly listen to what we have to say. Some will seek medical attention, come home w/the AD's and then leave the pills in the bottle. Some will take the pills for a bit and then complain that they don't feel right, the pills aren't taking the edge off or heaven forbid, interfering w/their sexual functions.
If you are referring to your h as having the PHD, no, not necessarily will he spot it for what it is. It'll take some time for him to connect the dots. Right now, he appears to be handling his depression, but the question is, how long before he starts noticing aches and pains, appears to be getting ill quite often, etc. I don't think he's to that point just yet. Sure he's depressed over his lack of retirement funds and where he's at right now, but that's just the tip of the ice berg. Give him some time...he'll begin to talk about feeling out of whack. Then you might be able to mention seeing a medical professional, but I don't think he's ready to hear it right now.
Ambivalent, you have to have faith in you, your h, your marriage and yes in the man upstairs. You'll learn how to drop the rope as you travel the path on your own journey. You'll need to detach a bit more from his behavior so that what he says or does will not hurt you as much. Again, this will come in time.
I can only surmise that he went back to the meet up group site and changed his profile for his public interests to private because of you. He did it because he knew it upset you. He may be feeling a bit of guilt for hurting you, but there's no way that I can honestly tell you what is going through his mind right now. All I can honestly tell you is that you would never want to be in his head. His thoughts are bouncing off the walls and he's trying to figure out which way to turn and how to go about his life. No, he will not want your help right now and you have to respect his wishes. If he asks you your opinion on things, by all means give it to him.
Your man needs to follow the Yellow Brick Road to the cottage where they learn how to grow up. Learn to separate the behavior from the person and try to understand that he is confused, unhappy, and can't understand why he is unhappy. He will try many avenues, but that Yellow Brick Road will take him to a brick wall where he'll hit it over and over again until he learns how to navigate his life.
You, Ambivalent, will follow your own path on the Yellow Brick Road. It will be a painful journey at times, w/bumps, twists and turns, but I promise you, you will learn quite a bit about yourself, you will get stronger and wiser and will learn patience, as well as sitting still and allowing the answers to come and not force the issue. Patience is one of the hardest keys to learn...you will either learn it or you will determine that you can't do this any longer...but the choice will be yours.
I think the reason why you are feeling this way is that you never thought he would go on a meet up group site and put those interests out there. I think your expectations of him were entirely too high. Again, that's why we encourage posters not to have any expectations right now, i.e., to accept the mlcer as he/she is today because the old person is gone. If and when you reconcile, you can't go back to your former habits. It will be a new marriage and if you continue to practice db, continue your 180's and not fall back into the old habits, your new marriage will survive. It will be far better than the old one.
For now, take care of yourself. You are the most important person right now. Pamper yourself and please do not think that his crisis is your fault. It is not because what created his crisis happened a very, very long time ago. Most of all be kind to yourself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
