I told you that I was lonely...I had been sitting here in Annapolis, alone, feeling that I needed to get out and meet people. I also told you that I had my doubts that we could reconnect. I'm not wearing my ring because, given my doubts, that seemed like a commitment to us that didn't feel authentic. I created a profile on a dating site to see what was out there. Checking the boxes on interests, was part of the process. Ultimately, I decided that I'm not prepared to be "available" so I turned off the profile. I showed up at the Annapolis bowling center and subbed on a team. It gave me something to get out of the condo and do, be with people instead of sitting here. Kind of like you taking dancing classes. I never communicated with anyone, never made a date.
It is almost 6 months. one of the things i talked about with the councilor, was...what do i think about when thinking about you...and us. And its all jumbled together. our history, how happy i am that you've been going to the gym and getting in shape, but I don't have sexual feelings for you and I don't know why. You looked great at Calvert's family day. And then....i don't think you still understand the money pressures. Between the mortgage, utilities, your school, Calvert's school, Calvert's living expenses, our living expenses etc., there is no money left every month. In fact, we are still negative. I don't know how you can think there is $$ to buy you a car. You need to have some type of regular income. we need to get rid of the storage space, spend less on cable tv etc.
There is a part of me that thinks you will never understand the $$ issues until you have a hard and fast budget and you have to decide what to spend it on or not.
I've thought about what divorce would mean. I told you that I spoke to a lawyer once, before I moved out. She told me that given my income, I should expect to pay you in a range between 5 and 7,000 per month. BEFORE TAXES. That is 60,000 to 84,000 per year, Income to you... you would be responsible for taxes etc. In that tax bracket, that would be approximately 3,500 to 4,500 per month take home..maybe as much as 5,000
The mortgage is 3,000 per month. utilities and cable are approximately 1,000. That doesn't leave any money for food, gas, maintenance on car... or house etc. Much less school or saving for retirement. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer about the financial expectations in divorce.
I'm not in any hurry to come to a final resolution between us. and most of the issues that caused me to leave remain unchanged. In the mean-time, I have new job, which I am throwing myself into. I really don't see earning a commission check until sometime in 2014, so my monthly income is pretty fixed at this point.
My response :
"I told you that I was lonely...I had been sitting here in Annapolis, alone, feeling that I needed to get out and meet people. I also told you that I had my doubts that we could reconnect. I'm not wearing my ring because, given my doubts, that seemed like a commitment to us that didn't feel authentic."
I'm sorry you feel this way. How does one reconnect when in separate locations and not seeing or communicating except for business dealings? Doesn't the absence of a ring express availability? I know I've taken mine off and on, I too don't feel comfortable in mixed company or at the gymn without it.
"And its all jumbled together. our history, how happy i am that you've been going to the gym and getting in shape, but I don't have sexual feelings for you and I don't know why."
Have you seen him since? I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable with these feelings, I believe you'll figure it out eventually. I have been dealing with my feelings in this area as well, it is mystifying.
T"here is a part of me that thinks you will never understand the $$ issues until you have a hard and fast budget and you have to decide what to spend it on or not."
I can see how you feel this way. How does one learn if one isn't given the chance to work on it and an opinion has already been formed? What can be done about this?
" In fact, we are still negative. I don't know how you can think there is $$ to buy you a car"
I am aware of this...I remember you saying it wouldn't be until after Jan. I was not expecting nor asking. Just asking for it to be honored in the future.
I'm not in any hurry to come to a final resolution between us. and most of the issues that caused me to leave remain unchanged. "
Would you list the issues please? I'm interested. I would like to be part of budgeting , sit down and really work on this. It is a huge pressure on you, and I want to be part of a solution.
As for the site where I saw you, it was a big shock. It rattled me, and the interests listed were for a meet up group. I have a profile on a meet up group as well. Dating and relationships are not checked off on there. I expected to stay within my vows until the end. Is this something I should be rethinking? Is this something you are okay with?
I would like us to be honest at all times. I'm not judging you, I want to support what you need unconditionally. I hope you will help me to understand better.
Amb.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
