WHEN PATIENCE IS LOST

[reachingHigher]

Hi Ambivalent!

Just following along.

You've got some good support from job and the other posters. I know it's hard to be anticipating this email. You can think about the 48 hour rule. Don't think of responding till then -- it gives the ideas some time to settle in and you some time to think.

My H told me two days ago his philosophy of life. I thought it was crazy. But I didn't say so -- just validated. Then yesterday he told me I really have some mixed up ways of thinking.

You see, he doesn't have everything figured out yet...it's just that he was ready to come back home.

There are so many issues we all have from childhood but for some people they become a crisis. I had been hoping that since my H was home he was now a mature man. And he is in a lot of ways. But I think to work through dysfunction it takes many years, many tears, and a lot of work.

We must be there to validate, yet work on our own issues and move along with our own growth.

It's so wonderful you treated him like a king during your M. You were grateful for the life he provided, didn't nag, gave him space, etc. I'm sure he still loves and appreciates you, he just needs a lot of space right now.

Hang in there,
Thinking of you,
rH

P.S. the comment you made about his pic with the straw hat resonated with me. For some reason at the beginning of replay my H had lots of pics with different kinds of hats. Including straw hats! Then he grew the facial hair. After he came back home that all stopped. But I saw many pics of him with hats, drink in hand with a cocky/sly look on his face. Yes, it hurts so bad b/c that's not the man we knew. But they're trying on some different hats/faces wondering who they really are. It's just especially hard to watch b/c they aren't a child anymore and we love them so much!

[Ambivalent]

As a kid, he may have had to take on more responsibility than he was ready for and his coping skills didn't reach maturity, most likely he had to fake it to make it while growing up. In other words, he grew up too fast and the emotional well being didn't catch up.

This is too where I would place the stunting. He was a teen, second born male and more responsible than his older brother, by nine months. To this day, he is still the father figure to his youngest brother.

As for coping skills. Hit right on the head of the nail. None, stuffs it and tries to combat it by himself. If he doesn't that is where the pattern of run awaaaaay comes into play.

As for him wanting to resolve, I believe this is true. I believe he's torn between wanting to connect with someone and have meaningful sex, and not wanting to start something that will create more demands on his time, money , and commitment.

I'm a reminder of what I know about him. The person that knows his mistakes or bad choices. I do know this. What kills ME is the fact that I never used it against him in an argument or even now.

So it is painful when One can soothe another but will not let them. I know this is about being a man. Masculinity and the fear of being or looking vulnerable. I know he does not want my disapproval , this is why he cannot look me in the eyes when dealing with this.

He almost left a note the night he left. Told me so, and then mustered the courage to phone me...stay on the phone for 45 mins. and then face me at home.

" I could be very wrong, but I don't think your h wants the marriage to end. I think he's one of those who just needs some time by himself to figure things out. "

I hope and pray you are right, and if you are I have learned a valuable lesson, LET IT BE !

I probably won't hear from him that soon. He takes forever, writing editing and writing again.

It is another way to control and I don't have the ability to just pretend it doesn't matter. Presently I have a huge knot in my stomach, hopefully it won't be there forever.

As for knee jerk, YUP that IS me! I was doing very well there for awhile ... Hence the current title.

What a painful lesson. Really chapped eyes? Who gets chapped eyes?

Geez!

[Pudmuddle]

As for coping skills. Hit right on the head of the nail. None, stuffs it and tries to combat it by himself. If he doesn't that is where the pattern of run awaaaaay comes into play.

This is exactly what my H does too. I wish they could figure out for themselves how to make this better. How does a person ever figure this out??

Ambiv, just catching up on your thread and I wanted to wish you the best. I hope the email is not as bad as you think it is. You are an inspiration to me so I am sending positive thoughts your way.

[Ambivalent]

Pud.

I have NO clue how I could be an inspiration! I just f'd up big-time and would NOT consider that in any way shape or form inspirational.

Now if you mean I haven't slit my throat yet , well perhaps.

(:/

[Ambivalent]

I have no clue where I'd be without you guys right now.

This board is a an invaluable tool. Too bad the lc'rs don't have this . It may help them work through things much better and less expensive.

I had dinner with my divorced friend yesterday. Just listening to her makes me so sad. She could have benefitted from this .

She is bitter and is still over responsible for her daughter who is mother of one and pregnant.

You can hear the bitterness when she talks about her ex, and how his behavior affects their daughter and will affect the grandchildren.

I tried suggesting that she allow her daughter to make her choices and any fall out from that was her not her responsibility.

She can be very stubborn and fixed in her behavior.

To this day her license plates refer to a very painful memory between her ex and herself. She says she isn't angry but it still oozes from her pores.

I don't want that for her, she has been through quite a lot and deserves better.

I don't want that for me either, when I detach it is much easier to have negative feelings . At present I'm just feeling incredible sadness.

I'm usually a pretty bubbly personality, high energy, creative and busy.

I feel like a completely different person. I do not like her. She has a permanent sadness in her eyes, even when smiling. She is tired, and uninterested in anything. Perseverates on this situation, for even with Zoloft .
it can't stop the thinking

Concentrating is a constant challenge, for at all times he is on her mind.

I wonder frequently, how often do I even cross his mind? Does he smile when he thinks of me? How often does he cry?

I just want us to scoop each other up and love each other.

[Pudmuddle]

Ambiv, don't sell yourself short!

We all eff up, but what I like about you is that you really delve deep after you have effed up and you learn. You share and you grow. You are a strong person. I also like your fantastic humor even when you are at your absolute lowest. To me that shows incredible strength of the soul, not just your character. You have a light that, even in just posting on the internet, shines through. I can see it and feel it.

Take care, Pud.

[Ambivalent]

Oh God, he's reading it my email again...

[BrightFuture]

Job, it is just like you were writing about my H. It is interesting that after months of separation and no contact, he came to pick up his childhood and pre-marriage photo albums. It was in April. At the same time our mutual friends were hearing some stories from him about his parent’s divorce. You could be right on target here with the thoughts that they try to resolve their issues with the parents even when they are not alive.

Ambivalent, have you seen the movie “The Secret”? If not, I would recommend watching it. It is about positive thinking. I think it would benefit you very much at this time. I agree with job, don’t assume that the e-mail will be negative. Try to think that there will be something good in it. You could be surprised.

[Ambivalent]

The letter:





Today at 2:50 PM








I told you that I was lonely...I had been sitting here in Annapolis, alone, feeling that I needed to get out and meet people. I also told you that I had my doubts that we could reconnect. I'm not wearing my ring because, given my doubts, that seemed like a commitment to us that didn't feel authentic. I created a profile on a dating site to see what was out there. Checking the boxes on interests, was part of the process. Ultimately, I decided that I'm not prepared to be "available" so I turned off the profile. I showed up at the Annapolis bowling center and subbed on a team. It gave me something to get out of the condo and do, be with people instead of sitting here. Kind of like you taking dancing classes. I never communicated with anyone, never made a date.




It is almost 6 months. one of the things i talked about with the councilor, was...what do i think about when thinking about you...and us. And its all jumbled together. our history, how happy i am that you've been going to the gym and getting in shape, but I don't have sexual feelings for you and I don't know why. You looked great at Calvert's family day. And then....i don't think you still understand the money pressures. Between the mortgage, utilities, your school, Calvert's school, Calvert's living expenses, our living expenses etc., there is no money left every month. In fact, we are still negative. I don't know how you can think there is $$ to buy you a car. You need to have some type of regular income. we need to get rid of the storage space, spend less on cable tv etc.




There is a part of me that thinks you will never understand the $$ issues until you have a hard and fast budget and you have to decide what to spend it on or not.




I've thought about what divorce would mean. I told you that I spoke to a lawyer once, before I moved out. She told me that given my income, I should expect to pay you in a range between 5 and 7,000 per month. BEFORE TAXES. That is 60,000 to 84,000 per year, Income to you... you would be responsible for taxes etc. In that tax bracket, that would be approximately 3,500 to 4,500 per month take home..maybe as much as 5,000




The mortgage is 3,000 per month. utilities and cable are approximately 1,000. That doesn't leave any money for food, gas, maintenance on car... or house etc. Much less school or saving for retirement. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer about the financial expectations in divorce.




I'm not in any hurry to come to a final resolution between us. and most of the issues that caused me to leave remain unchanged. In the mean-time, I have new job, which I am throwing myself into. I really don't see earning a commission check until sometime in 2014, so my monthly income is pretty fixed at this point.


My response :



"I told you that I was lonely...I had been sitting here in Annapolis, alone, feeling that I needed to get out and meet people. I also told you that I had my doubts that we could reconnect. I'm not wearing my ring because, given my doubts, that seemed like a commitment to us that didn't feel authentic."



I'm sorry you feel this way. How does one reconnect when in separate locations and not seeing or communicating except for business dealings? Doesn't the absence of a ring express availability? I know I've taken mine off and on, I too don't feel comfortable in mixed company or at the gymn without it.





"And its all jumbled together. our history, how happy i am that you've been going to the gym and getting in shape, but I don't have sexual feelings for you and I don't know why."



Have you seen him since? I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable with these feelings, I believe you'll figure it out eventually. I have been dealing with my feelings in this area as well, it is mystifying.



T"here is a part of me that thinks you will never understand the $$ issues until you have a hard and fast budget and you have to decide what to spend it on or not."



I can see how you feel this way. How does one learn if one isn't given the chance to work on it and an opinion has already been formed? What can be done about this?



" In fact, we are still negative. I don't know how you can think there is $$ to buy you a car"



I am aware of this...I remember you saying it wouldn't be until after Jan. I was not expecting nor asking. Just asking for it to be honored in the future.




I'm not in any hurry to come to a final resolution between us. and most of the issues that caused me to leave remain unchanged. "



Would you list the issues please? I'm interested. I would like to be part of budgeting , sit down and really work on this. It is a huge pressure on you, and I want to be part of a solution.



As for the site where I saw you, it was a big shock. It rattled me, and the interests listed were for a meet up group. I have a profile on a meet up group as well. Dating and relationships are not checked off on there. I expected to stay within my vows until the end. Is this something I should be rethinking? Is this something you are okay with?



I would like us to be honest at all times. I'm not judging you, I want to support what you need unconditionally. I hope you will help me to understand better.

Amb.

[Ambivalent]

He is reading my response now...