Day By Day

[uRworthy]

Oops, you got me, AJ. My bad. Didnt read the "supposedly made."

[Drew]

Thanks for the response. A lot of people on here don't respond to me anymore because most of the ones who followed my sitch from the beginning have quit posting here. There are a few, but most are gone.

No, some of us are still here. But when we've been encouraging, nigh on begging you to stop worrying about XW and move on for SO long, well.....

Everyone in their own time, I guess.

[tadpole1025]

Ur - Yes!!!! I figured it was either you or Punkin. Nice to know that you are still here.

First of all, why are you looking at her FB? No reason at all for you to be doing that. It doesnt serve you well, right?

Right, but I wasn't looking. I couldn't look if I wanted to because she blocked me long ago. I heard S22 and S18 talking about it.

You're right. I shouldn't hold on and I didn't think I was. I just noticed the other day that yes, I am still "bothered" by her actions. Although, I don't let it get to me like it used to.

People may treat you differently initially, but, if you let them get to know the real you, that will stop.

I'm not so sure about that. Some people do and some people don't. I think it depends on the person. Hell, even my own brother treats me differently and has even gone so far as to call me by my "radio name" if he is trying to impress somebody. It is sickening really.

You'll drop that anger when you're ready. But you've heard that before. We challenge you because we know you need to keep moving. Finding something different - people, places, etc is a great idea.

Yes, I will AJ and I thought that I had, but I guess not. Something different? Hahaha. If my boys weren't here, I would have probably moved as far away as I could get long ago. I've seriously even considered giving up all of my worldy possessions (not that I have much left) and moving to a cave or monestary. (sp?)

No, some of us are still here. But when we've been encouraging, nigh on begging you to stop worrying about XW and move on for SO long, well.....

Drew, I was simply venting. I'm sure I'm not the only one that is still a little angry. And no, I'm not "worrying" about her. I was just bothered by a few things is all.

You said it yourself - "everyone in their own time."

I'm getting there.

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Hey Tad, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I seem to see a lot of people around me losing parents (and mine have their own health issues) lately and it's something a lot of people 40-50's are unfortunately going through. My best friend lost her mom and dad 42 days apart this summer. So I know it's tough but you just have to get through it.

I have not been here to read in a long time and just popped in today while I was taking a break from cutting up kindling outside and happened to read your post and I figured you might want feedback or advice.

I'm in a really good place, and my time in the nightmare seems like a very distant dream other than very rare lapses for a day or two into that darkness and usually those things are triggered by an anniversary of some sort or a strong memory/association. I really am living a very different life now, not just from when I was posting all the time, but before, when I was "happily" married. I think for me, I have slowly realized that I wasn't so happy as I thought in that marriage, and my XH's betrayal was the single worst and best thing that ever could have happened to me.

If I could go back and time and control whether he cheated or not, I would choose for him to cheat. Sounds nuts, but it was the only way I'd ever decide enough was enough and say leave her or me. Of course he chose to leave me, which at the time seemed horrific, but it was a blessing in disguise.

I think most MLCers are really messed up people inside, ticking time bombs, and in my XH's case, I think he hid his insanity for a very large portion of the marriage and even hid it from himself. When I met my XH he was an angry cynical intolerant man who softened when he was with me, for me alone. Over the years, though, he became all those things and then some. When he left, he seemed like Mr. Nice Guy. He claimed that I had destroyed his goodness and optimism.

Not so.

A friend of mine who works with him last week said "All I know is that I can't imagine being on the receiving end of his anger and rage. If I were Antonia, I'd never speak to him again as long as I live. He is a very troubled and evil person." You should know that the woman who said this has a reputation for being a b*tch and very "hard", and even she says he is a terrible person. EVERYONE I come across now who knows us both says I'm LUCKY to be away from him and that he only held me back from a good life. And it's true, without him, I have made such strides in my career, my financial stability alone, my emotional stability, my friendships, my family relationships. EVERYTHING about my life is the better for him not being in it. And again, I'm not just talking the XH who betrayed me, but the XH who was married to me.

More than anything I love myself now. I never did when I was married to him.

I think that so much of your mind and heart are focused on what you lost in losing your XW. So you can't move on from it and you have depression and see little hope. And yeah, you have a lot on your plate right now. But if you can start to just ask yourself if her being gone has freed you to be independent and to really find things to love about yourself apart from her or anyone else, you can shift your thinking.

If you believe in any sort of a higher power or the "wisdom" of the universe, then consider that maybe all of this happened to free you from a person who would ultimately destroy you or at the very least hold you back from being who you are meant to be. Maybe this crazy woman being out of your life is the greatest gift you have ever been given.

I'm telling you that when I opened my mind and heart up to that possibility, it changed everything. SURE I remember every day that XH betrayed me. It's a thought that drifts through my mind--but it drifts right back out. Most of the time I just feel like it was another life I lived and that when he cheated and left, I was reborn into a better life. Yes it took a few years to negotiate that and get used to it and it was a time of a lot of depression and anxiety, but I am so used to the new life now that I sometimes find it hard to remember exactly the old one.

I just think that if you allow yourself to say you know what? That relationship ran its course, and it was stifling me, and now I am free, you may shift your mindset and start seeing things as opportunities. It worked for me; hopefully it can help you.

More than anything you have to take her off the pedestal. If you're still awestruck by how this woman who used to be so good could turn so bad, maybe you need to consider that we are all human and none of these ex spouses were anywhere near as perfect as we made them out to be. I think a lot of us worshipped these people as heroes because we did not have enough self-esteem of our own, and our existence depended on their attention. Well you know what? She's messed up, my XH is messed up, they always were, they are now, they always will be, and if anyone deserves the pedestal, it is the person who stood by them when they went nuts and dealt with their crap, the person who had to become a survivor who eventually learns to thrive without them. THAT is the person you put on the pedestal, Tad. You.

[tadpole1025]

Hi Antonia!!!!

It is so good hearing from you. I was just thinking of you the other day and wondered what happened to you and how you were doing.

It sounds like you are in a marvelous place. I've TRIED to think the way you say, but it is still hard sometimes.

My marriage? It wasn't perfect. I know that, but it was a damn good one. I don't really think there are any perfect marriages out there, but some of them, even though not perfect, do last.

....and I will admit that there are a few things that I DO NOT miss about XW.

Like:

The way she used to fly off the handle at our boys. I always thought the was a little too hard on them.

Her drinking. I like my booze, but there were many nights that she would down an entire big bottle of wine by herself.

How she was when she was drunk. She would drink and then pick fights with me or whoever was around.

Getting the Salt and Pepper shakers thrown at me from across the table just because I wanted some on my food.

The way that she took everything so personal. If she was watching a show that I didn't like, she would take it as me not liking HER.

I truly believe looking back that she has been really messed up for longer than I wanted to believe.

I do wonder though: maybe all of the people that we all write about on this board are not really going through a "crisis", but instead suffer from some type of personality disorder. I think we would all agree that our spouses have become the opposite of what they were or somebody completely different.

I'm not where you are at yet, but I'm getting there. I'm a turtle I guess. It takes me longer than most.



Again, soooooo nice to hear from you. I hope you are well and continue to live life the way that YOU want to.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just checking in.....

Mom still continues to hang on, but is getting worse. It seems like every time I think that she CAN'T get worse, she gets worse.

We spent our birthday together on Friday. She was kind of depressed, but I think she perked up a little towards the end of our visit.

Not much from XW. I do know that she is awfully worried about my mom and her stepdad who also has cancer.

S18 hasn't been to visit her since September. He seems to want to go less and less. The other three sons haven't even seen her new place and two of them still have not met her new husband. Girly-man is what I call him.

Anyways, my thinking seems to have changed slightly. Sure, I have lost a lot in this mess, but I am also starting to realize what XW has lost. I think she may have lost even more. Sure I lost my wife and some material things, but she has lost much more. Her relationships with our boys seems to be virtually non-existent. It makes me sad in a way. She always had a decent relationship with all of them before. Not so much these days.

I sometimes wonder if they ever start to realize the carnage they've created. Oh wait, the carnage......isn't that supposed to be blamed on me or do they eventually realize it?

Just blabbing....have to run for now.

Tad

[MrBond]

Pray with your mom to give her strength and get IC for you to get your strength.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Mr. Bond. I may look into IC someday, but right now I'm not really big on them.

It has been a few weeks so I thought that I would post a couple of updates.

SITCH UPDATE:

Saw XW yesterday. She was here picking up our sons to take them out for ice cream for her birthday. She is looking more and more like Morticia from the Addam's Family. When I saw her, she seemed to look at me as if she wanted to talk or say something. I didn't say a word and she didn't either.

A few things that the boys told me:

When this all started, she blamed me for stealing money from my grandfather. According to our sons, she is no longer blaming me for it and knows that I didn't do it. It is sad that it took three frickin years for her to realize that.

They also told me that she has me listed as "a$$hole" in her cell phone contacts. This really p!ssed me off for some reason, but didn't really surprise me.

Also, three years ago when this began, she would blame me for the coughing attacks that she was having. She said it was because I was a smoker. (Even though I never smoked around her.) Then after she moved out and I was no longer around, she still blamed it on me because she said that I would "stress her out" and she would start coughing. Now as of yesterday, she still has the coughing attacks, but now blames it on.......sugar.

She is still pushing for our sons to spend Thanksgiving with her and her new husband. As of right now, one says he might go. One says probably not and the other two say they are not.

MOM UPDATE:

She has been doing very well the past few weeks. She's has been so well in fact, that we have moved her out of the nursing home and into my ex sister-in-law's place. The ex sister-in-law is my dead brother's wife. I wasn't crazy about her leaving the nursing home, but mom insisted. She still has some pain, but is actually moving around a lot more. It is like she has been given one more burst of life.

ME UPDATE:

I was approved for food stamps this week. I will get $236 a month for me and the boys. It isn't much, but it is sure going to help a lot.

I'm still looking for a job. No luck yet. Just taking things as they come.....day by day.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Hi everyone. I've got a question that has nothing to do with my sitch or MLC. It is about my mom. She is driving us all nuts.

She is now living with my sister in law because she just had to get out of the nursing home. Now.....she is talking about getting her own place, going to work and driving. She is on Morphine and about 6 or 7 different drugs. She can barely stand on her own.

She has also been expecting everyone to drop whatever they are doing to take her to the grocery store....walmart....post office....

She has also been (for lack of a better word), very pissy lately. Extremely angry, pissy and VERY impatient.

She knows she can't be by herself because she constantly falls, but is now insisting on getting an apartment. Since August she has been in the hospital, her place, Hospice, her place again, a nursing home and now my sister-in-law's. And now wants to move out of there after being there only a few weeks. It is like she can't be anywhere any length of time. She can't even go back to her place because we cleaned out her apartment in September at her request.

As I said, she is driving us nuts. Sometimes, she is so angry that I don't even like to be around her.

Has anyone here seen a loved one die and seen this kind of behavior? Anybody? I've read on the internet that sometimes a person will get restless or agitated, but that usually happens in the final few days. Mom has been acting this way for a few weeks now.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

It is the morphine that is scrambling your mother's brain. I have seen its effects when my father was put on morphine in the last few days of his life before he passed on and I couldn't believe some of the things that came out of his mouth.

That is the bad side effect of morphine. Also had a mixture of other drugs to control his cancer. If I were you, I'd speak to the doctor(s) about your mother's medications and see if something can be worked out. Goodness knows how many times the doctors had to adjust my father's assortment of medications before figuring out a relatively good "workable" formula.

Hope this helps, Tad. I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this now with your Mom.