The Big Chill

[Pudmuddle]

I am feeling ok today. Not great, but ok.

H and S are going to a motorcycle ride that a business is doing where they can test out new bikes for free. I knew they were going, but it makes me sad. I wish H would invite me along like he used too. He hasn't done that for years. He stopped caring so long ago it seems.

So I want downstairs to get a banana while he was fixing their lunches and stuff. I said "Good morning, Well I hope you guys have fun, sounds like a good time". he said "Good morning, Yeah, this company hasn't done stuff like this for a while so it will be fun to test them out. Nice to see the new bikes and all". I said "Yeah and even if you can't afford them you can at least get a cheap thrill!" He laughed at that, as did I. Then I said "Well have a great time and have fun". then walked back upstairs. I was so hoping he would ask me to go, but I didn't want to pursue that.

Last night we watched a movie together and then a few House Hunter Int'l shows. Those used to be our favorite thing to watch together and since he was controlling the remote, I thought it was interesting that he wanted to watch these with me. We had some nice convos about stuff, where I just remembered to validate. No R talk, just general stuff. I looked at him when he was speaking, put lots of yeahs and uhhuhs in there. I didn't try to give opinions much. Then after a bit I went upstairs to my room. I did say good night. I'm trying to remember to be polite, which has been harder the past few days.

The one thing I did notice was that for most of the night he seemed to have a permanent furrowed brow, as if thinking or having thoughts in his head. I mentioned this once, and he didn't seem to notice that he had been doing that and he said nothing was going on. Then after I mentioned it, I noticed a bit later his brow was furrowed again. Kind of like you do when you are really concerned about something or thinking really hard. Interesting.

I did cry again this morning, but this time I just let it wash over me and out of me like job and cat have suggested. I allowed myself to feel the pain and I even sobbed "I just don't want to feel this pain anymore".

I am going to have a good day. You all too!